“I got a disease, deep inside me”
(I can’t make the line above look right on my iPod and I’ve given up.)
I still don’t know which it was. M said one thing. A said another. It wouldn’t surprise me if mom told them two different things. Hell maybe she didn’t have any idea herself. Maybe she really lost her mind at the end. I’m glad I didn’t see that. I like to remember her as smart. I do still. Maybe not street smart but she was always reading. She was bad at picking men. But that doesn’t mean she was bad at everything. I don’t know who to ask. I treat every family message as a time bomb. The only aunt I was close with isn’t a blood relative. And I dunno if she’s still in the family. Plus everyone is so wishy washy and take forever to get back to me.
Every time I get the shakes I think about it. Migraines bring the shakes on. Holding my arm wrong can do it. It happened yesterday in bed. Is it a nerve or is it a sign of what’s to come? And D’s shakiness, does that have something to do with that? He said his doc said it was just a benign tremor but without knowing medical history how can we be sure? Which part of my body will fail me first? It’s not hard to imagine my body failing. It’s bad at everything else. My brain is full of mostly useless shit but also imagination. Setting aside the really awful pieces (I read Still Alice) the idea that I won’t have stories? Devastating. I won’t have the ideas I get from people watching.
So. Which aunt is the least drama? I’ve already blocked mom’s newest husband when I blocked them all in 2017. He’d probably know.
I just need the facts, ma’am. No drama bombs.
My aunt Candy messaged me about pictures and stuff she wanted to send me. I just have to give her my address. And while she wrote “I’m not sick” she also said she wasn’t sure how long she’d be around which made me instantly think of my mother. I wondered if grandma taught them this like some sort of Ted talk on guilt trips and then I realized almost immediately of course she did. Accidentally probably. Hopefully it was accidental and not her only way or parenting?
She was the one who seemed away from the group. Maybe she’s like me, just trying to be away from the crazy. Maybe she doesn’t think her kids will appreciate the pics. I have no idea how much I’ve been maligned by others words since I blocked them. I only heard through the grapevine that I was “asking for what’s mine” which is simply not true. Even if mom won the goddamn lottery I don’t need anything from her. If I did, it’d just be another way she’d have me under her thumb. Another way she could guilt trip me into doing things. Would have I guess. She can’t now. Silver linings?
The other day I said out loud well I’m lucky. My parents are both dead. I don’t have to take care of them. Then I thought about it. Lucky? That’s fucked up.
This might be the one time I’m sad about blocking Ang I just thought she’d spy for mom so I couldn’t keep her on. It’s been lovely to be able to just share my “socialist” views without it devolving into a tire fire where people attack each other and not the issues, but I am sad I lost her in the war. It’s not her fault. None of this was any of our damn faults. This is all our parent’s baggage. And I guess we see if we carry it along. Adding our own. Always adding our own.
No one gets out of this life without some baggage. At this point in my life I don’t think it’s possible to escape unscathed. I guess it’s go to each of us how heavy the baggage becomes by what we can’t let go of?
Since I started this, the sister I talk to passed along a message asking if I’d unblock M so we can handle the estate. I did because I don’t want to drag this on forever but I’m suddenly sure this is a test so M can say see?! See how quick she asks for shit, see how entitled she is? I knew when she wanted healthcare for all she wanted money for free! I don’t know where to go from blocking them. Adding them as friends? Let’s all hope it’s not that much drama but is instead my brain just being dramatic.
It’s been almost ten months. Why is it so important now? And did I fall into a trap? Why does it have to be like this? Why do I STILL walk on eggshells with the people who should’ve loved me unconditionally? I thought I was done with this shit.
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