Forever's Gone Away, It's So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday
"I don't know where this road is going to lead.
All I know is where we've been, and what we've been through."
I'm starting to get into my older CDs. All the ones from the 90's. With things like Boys II Men.
Why are all my older songs so sad? Or angry as hell?
Apparently, those were my only two emotions as a teenager. I wouldn't be a teenager again for any amount of money. I actually feel quite removed from all of it now, but it was like some alien took over my body. I liked too many boys. I was sure I LOVED them all. I was equally sure that life would end if they didn't like me.
I was sure that anyone else was better. A better body, a better face. I slept with too many boys thinking it meant some emotion on their part, when it was usually just sex.
I've been thinking a lot about the past recently. I mean..well, I guess I always think about the past. More than others, maybe? I find myself endlessly fascinated with people, with their thoughts. I find myself wondering how they felt then. Something I never thought about then. I didn't think farther than my own feelings then. I was most important. Which makes sense. Once leaving my house, I apparently cared only about myself. I think it's fitting, really. I gave up on trying to save my whole family, and instead saved myself. My sister Misty is still saving them all. Or trying anyhow.
She was another one who read some of my blog posts that I didn't necessarily think about when I wrote them. I managed to block most of it. I can't believe how much ranting I did about my mother. She doesn't need to read that shit. That woman can hold a grudge, and this is something that would piss her off. She'd get all instantly defensive and not actually listen to anything I had to say. She'd just say I was wrong. I've seen the way she deflects blame.
My sister doesn't understand why I hate her father so much. I'm glad that she doesn't. I don't want her to know what kind of person he is in my eyes. I'm glad that they didn't know.
I always thought it was so apparent, but they were children. I'm SO glad they have no idea. Do you know what that really means? He never touched them. They were his children, so he didn't touch them. I just wasn't sure. I didn't know what he was capable of.
Misty mentioned that Aspen and I both have a very different view of her father, and she mentioned not knowing why we don't like him. I don't know Aspen's reasoning, but I just told Misty that it was because of all the fights they'd have. I'm going to be more inclined to take my mom's "side", and I left it at that.
I don't want to tell her. I don't know if she'll believe me, but even if she does, it would only hurt her. It's not her or Angie's fault that I hate him.
I wouldn't want to know any more awful things about my own parents (any more besides what I already know), so I'm gonna leave it at that.
I'm just glad that nothing horrible happened to them.
I'm still really tired, and I really kind of hate everyone.
And why do I love Santa Monica (Everclear) SO MUCH?
I just want to jump up and stomp and bang my head when he screams out.."I am still dreaming of your FACE, hungry and hollow for all the things you took away."
That's all I got. For now.
All I know is where we've been, and what we've been through."
I'm starting to get into my older CDs. All the ones from the 90's. With things like Boys II Men.
Why are all my older songs so sad? Or angry as hell?
Apparently, those were my only two emotions as a teenager. I wouldn't be a teenager again for any amount of money. I actually feel quite removed from all of it now, but it was like some alien took over my body. I liked too many boys. I was sure I LOVED them all. I was equally sure that life would end if they didn't like me.
I was sure that anyone else was better. A better body, a better face. I slept with too many boys thinking it meant some emotion on their part, when it was usually just sex.
I've been thinking a lot about the past recently. I mean..well, I guess I always think about the past. More than others, maybe? I find myself endlessly fascinated with people, with their thoughts. I find myself wondering how they felt then. Something I never thought about then. I didn't think farther than my own feelings then. I was most important. Which makes sense. Once leaving my house, I apparently cared only about myself. I think it's fitting, really. I gave up on trying to save my whole family, and instead saved myself. My sister Misty is still saving them all. Or trying anyhow.
She was another one who read some of my blog posts that I didn't necessarily think about when I wrote them. I managed to block most of it. I can't believe how much ranting I did about my mother. She doesn't need to read that shit. That woman can hold a grudge, and this is something that would piss her off. She'd get all instantly defensive and not actually listen to anything I had to say. She'd just say I was wrong. I've seen the way she deflects blame.
My sister doesn't understand why I hate her father so much. I'm glad that she doesn't. I don't want her to know what kind of person he is in my eyes. I'm glad that they didn't know.
I always thought it was so apparent, but they were children. I'm SO glad they have no idea. Do you know what that really means? He never touched them. They were his children, so he didn't touch them. I just wasn't sure. I didn't know what he was capable of.
Misty mentioned that Aspen and I both have a very different view of her father, and she mentioned not knowing why we don't like him. I don't know Aspen's reasoning, but I just told Misty that it was because of all the fights they'd have. I'm going to be more inclined to take my mom's "side", and I left it at that.
I don't want to tell her. I don't know if she'll believe me, but even if she does, it would only hurt her. It's not her or Angie's fault that I hate him.
I wouldn't want to know any more awful things about my own parents (any more besides what I already know), so I'm gonna leave it at that.
I'm just glad that nothing horrible happened to them.
I'm still really tired, and I really kind of hate everyone.
And why do I love Santa Monica (Everclear) SO MUCH?
I just want to jump up and stomp and bang my head when he screams out.."I am still dreaming of your FACE, hungry and hollow for all the things you took away."
That's all I got. For now.
Comments
Don't suppose Misty will see this blog, or are you being PA again?
I don't know for sure, but I can't censor myself everywhere.
It's gotta come out somehow.
If they are reading it, they have not made me aware of it.
Plus, going through all my old entries here? Trying to censor them?
It would not be nearly as easy as censoring sporadic entries for just a year over on MySpace.
I think she'd say something if she was reading it.
Then panic would set in, and I'd sit here and delete...on maybe HALF my entries?
Between the sex talk and all that.
HAHAHA.
I don't link between MySpace and here. I allude to another blog, but no one has asked about it.
One sister was reading this, but I'm pretty sure she stopped a long time ago.
They could very well follow other people's links, if they thought about it. They could follow from Ariel's link, over to her blog. Or they could follow a link to your LJ, and my name there is linked to here.
Theoretically, it could happen.
Maybe it should, and everything would just be done.
I'd probably never get to talk to my family again. =(