Sometimes I wonder if I don’t NEED to believe in ghosts
As if it's not enough that I watch the Haunting show, now I can't seem to keep myself from watching Paranormal State.
This year (in about 9 months) will signify my Grandma being dead for 20 years.
I'm not sure how someone who was in my life for so little time overall makes such an impact on me, but she still does.
And if there are ghosts, I believe she's watching over me as a ghost herself.
Does any of that make sense?
No logic here today people.
My Grandma was in the hospital for a long time before she died. It was not surprising, as she had cancer. Lung cancer, a big one if I do say so myself.
I do not have one single picture of her, but I do have her sewing machine.
Which I have no idea how to run, but it's a part of her that I am severely loathe to lose. A part that really only fell into my lap when my family moved and couldn't take it with them.
Did I mention that I miss her? Her crazy blue eyeliner that she used to make cat eyes? Or her perm to make her hair more full of body? I feel directly connected to her, and I don't really know why.
I know that I was one of the 3 oldest grandchildren who really felt like I knew her. And the only girl grandchild. Did that have any bearing on how much she loved me?
Perhaps. I remember her Cabbage Patch Dolls, and how I opened at least one after she died. She had kept them closed up, like a smart person. I opened the world traveler one with the kilt and lost it pretty quickly. I believe I lost it in the car crash...so actually it was about 3 years before I lost it.
I miss her terribly. I wonder what she would have thought of my child. I wonder how we could have got to know each other better.
I remember how Anthony and I went trick or treating on the streets around the hospital. I remember how they x-rayed our candy for fun. (That whole urban legend thing about razors in apples was still running around.)
I remember spending a LOT of time around the hospital towards the end. How she refused to stop smoking even when she knew she was going to die. (I remember how I took up smoking a few short years later KNOWING it would drive my mom crazy since Grandma had died that way.)
I remember how we were all at her house (they must have known she was gonna die soon, cause I remember everyone being together for some reason) and I remember watching my mom start to cry while on the phone and KNOWING that my Grandma was dead. That was the only thing that could have brought those tears.
I remember her funeral, and touching her out of curiousity (my 8 year old self..my kid is older than that now and I don't think he's EVER seen a dead person at this point) and how she felt so cold. Hard and cold. How she looked and felt fake.
It's hard to believe that I still miss her. I didn't even know her that long compared to how old I am. but I do. I miss her a lot.
I'm going to go into more detail in a preferred person only post shortly.
Like I try to say everytime I write one, I'm not trying to seclude people, if you want to know me more personally than I share already, let me know. I'll add you.
Why does that feel like a threat almost?
Enough of my morbidity. I hope that I haven't just drug down everyone's weekend. I just needed to say something about my Grandma.
This year (in about 9 months) will signify my Grandma being dead for 20 years.
I'm not sure how someone who was in my life for so little time overall makes such an impact on me, but she still does.
And if there are ghosts, I believe she's watching over me as a ghost herself.
Does any of that make sense?
No logic here today people.
My Grandma was in the hospital for a long time before she died. It was not surprising, as she had cancer. Lung cancer, a big one if I do say so myself.
I do not have one single picture of her, but I do have her sewing machine.
Which I have no idea how to run, but it's a part of her that I am severely loathe to lose. A part that really only fell into my lap when my family moved and couldn't take it with them.
Did I mention that I miss her? Her crazy blue eyeliner that she used to make cat eyes? Or her perm to make her hair more full of body? I feel directly connected to her, and I don't really know why.
I know that I was one of the 3 oldest grandchildren who really felt like I knew her. And the only girl grandchild. Did that have any bearing on how much she loved me?
Perhaps. I remember her Cabbage Patch Dolls, and how I opened at least one after she died. She had kept them closed up, like a smart person. I opened the world traveler one with the kilt and lost it pretty quickly. I believe I lost it in the car crash...so actually it was about 3 years before I lost it.
I miss her terribly. I wonder what she would have thought of my child. I wonder how we could have got to know each other better.
I remember how Anthony and I went trick or treating on the streets around the hospital. I remember how they x-rayed our candy for fun. (That whole urban legend thing about razors in apples was still running around.)
I remember spending a LOT of time around the hospital towards the end. How she refused to stop smoking even when she knew she was going to die. (I remember how I took up smoking a few short years later KNOWING it would drive my mom crazy since Grandma had died that way.)
I remember how we were all at her house (they must have known she was gonna die soon, cause I remember everyone being together for some reason) and I remember watching my mom start to cry while on the phone and KNOWING that my Grandma was dead. That was the only thing that could have brought those tears.
I remember her funeral, and touching her out of curiousity (my 8 year old self..my kid is older than that now and I don't think he's EVER seen a dead person at this point) and how she felt so cold. Hard and cold. How she looked and felt fake.
It's hard to believe that I still miss her. I didn't even know her that long compared to how old I am. but I do. I miss her a lot.
I'm going to go into more detail in a preferred person only post shortly.
Like I try to say everytime I write one, I'm not trying to seclude people, if you want to know me more personally than I share already, let me know. I'll add you.
Why does that feel like a threat almost?
Enough of my morbidity. I hope that I haven't just drug down everyone's weekend. I just needed to say something about my Grandma.
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