Am I A Horrible Person?

I've become VERY pre-occupied with wondering what people think of me. I know, this is not something new. I've always been worried what people think of me.
But it's a different kind of worry all of the sudden. I've become intensely aware of the way I sound, the way I act when I'm having a bad day.
Now I wonder if people think I'm mean or stuck up? I know for a fact that Jesse thought I was stuck up in high school. I was just terrified, but even then I knew that you just pretended like you knew what you were doing, and made friends with as many people as possible. Apparently, Jesse never crossed my radar as someone to be friends with for at least a couple of years. I think we even went to the same middle school and I have no memory of him. Instead of recognizing a fellow dork, geek, nerd, any other number of names people could have called me, he thought I was too stuck up.

When he told me that, I was flabbergasted. I didn't MEAN to come across that way. Now we have this new person and she'll ask me a question, and I keep talking and talking cause she's one of those people who really watches you and keeps eye contact. I know you are supposed to keep eye contact, and that it's a trust and communication thing, but my eyes are always darting. It's like I can't keep eye contact for that long. So then I wonder if people think I'm "shady" cause I can't keep eye contact. So she'll keep watching me, and I keep talking, and it's only after awhile that I can "hear" my own voice, and my brain thinks, ok, QUIT TALKING, you sound stupid. (I don't really like my voice and I really dislike my "patient" voice.)
And I'll think damn, I should quit talking, but then it's like everything moves in painfully slow motion and I can't stop talking. Does it even make sense to her any longer? Is she just smiling and nodding cause that's what you do when you are new?

Yesterday, what with my sucky day from hell, I KNOW that I've been a little abrupt. A little stand offish. I can feel it, cause all of the sudden she's more hesitant. I don't want to scare people off, I only want to be able to have a bad day and be in a bad mood, and be my own little rain cloud. Not to actually rain on anyone else. I was close to crying before I took lunch and went out and just laid in the sun. That's all I did for most of the lunch. I almost fell asleep. I just laid on my back and then realized that wasn't very comfortable, so I laid on my stomach. For what felt like forever. Just until I was done being so fucking annoyed with everything. The sun felt really nice.
I finally look up, thinking I should probably eat lunch, even though I'm not eating as a solution to my birth control problem, and this guy is watching me. Then he asks me if I'm ok. It's weird, all I was doing was laying there and he knew I was having a bad day? Or maybe he was just worried that I was dead or something, I'm pretty sure I was fairly still. But it's things like that that reinforce my thoughts about my attitude and how it reflects to the public. That guy didn't know me at all, is it really that apparent that I'm having a very bad day? Do I allow it to be that apparent?
How do I pretend that everything is always ok?
And if I do, will that just make people think that I don't give a shit at all? That I don't "get" or don't care when people have a problem with me?

I don't know. All I know is that people are exhausting. I sleep at least 7-8 hours a night and I still get home exhausted. I spend a lot of time wondering what people are thinking, if they are irritated with me, if everyone is having a good time, all sorts of things. That's just the way I am. I am perpetually worried that someone is angry with me, or isn't being amused by me, or any other numbers of things, and so then I just get tired.
And probably annoyed, and then I do end up being standoffish, cold, and kind of a bitch.
It's like a self fulfilling prophecy. Ha.
I'm exhausting too, I do realize this. I know other people have the same problems, worried, and fears. And I guess what I would like them to know (although I don't usually take my own advice on this) is that if I wasn't having fun, if you didn't amuse me, if I didn't like you, I wouldn't hang out with you. So maybe I should just realize that if people are annoyed by me, they wouldn't hang out with me either?
Like I can magically press the "understand" button and I'll stop worrying.
Ahh, the perpetual fear of being an outcast. ;p

I've spent too much of today wondering.
I'm exhausted. I'm going to go crack out on some computer game that requires no thought process.