"Every time I balance just fine..."

Yesterday almost sucked really bad.
I went to bed really early Tuesday night, like...earlier than my kid did, it being summer and all.
Ben put him to bed, thankfully, and I just decided to really go to sleep after that, instead of just dozing off and on.
I dreamt that I woke up at 4 in the morning, and was just bored as hell, so I went running around town.
Not a town that I know, but a town I must know in dreams, cause I knew where everything was, enough to dart around avoiding this one guy.
Most of my bad dreams involve two things..me being killed, or at least someone trying to kill me, or me knowing that some guy is bad, but no one believes me.
Do with that what you will, sounds like I may have some issues.
"You knew that though right? I mean, I put up some flyers..I ate a bunch of 'em"
This dream was different in it's badness. I dreamt that I ran into creepy ex boyfriend and decided that since I was bored, it would be a good idea to have sex with him. The WHOLE time I was wondering why I was doing it, and knowing that I'd have to break up with Ben. That used to be my m.o. I'd cheat and then I KNEW that I didn't care enough about that guy to be with him. Things would always deteriorate from there and eventually I would just avoid the hell out of the guy. Yep, that was me. Aren't you glad you didn't date me? I was kind of a bitch when I was younger.
Then I tried to justify it in my head, thinking that perhaps karma was working in reverse, since I had cheated on c.x.b, perhaps I OWED it to him to have sex with him.
We got interrupted in this dream, and I left and spent the whole rest of the night/morning trying to avoid him. Knowing I wanted nothing more to do with him. I think this was all brought on by a few things. I've been feeling old, and like maybe I was cooler/more fun back when I was younger. Gone are the days when I'd blow off work to hang out with friends, run around town in the middle of the night, have wild parties where cops actually came...(ok, so perhaps cops at my house isn't really a "fun" thing, but I'm merely illustrating the point.)
Oh yeah, and I haven't cheated on anyone in long, long time, which is probably actually a better place to be. I was on a streak of cheating for too long. Like...4 boyfriends in a row.
I think all this worry of being "cool" enough as I get older, contributed a lot to that dream. What the hell else could I be doing by running around at 4 in the morning? I don't do that anymore either.
Sometimes I'm impressed with my progress, and sometimes I worry that I've become too "adult"..for want of a better word.
After the awful dream, I woke up and I was so very relieved that nothing like that had really happened. I rolled over and kissed Ben on the shoulder and told him I'd had the worst dream.
Later, at work, I got a call from Ben telling me my doctor had called, and that it wasn't an emergency, but that I needed to call them back.
Freaked me out a bit. They were testing for cholesterol, and diabetes.
I called them, running through many different scenarios in my mind, cause of course I do that, and I was told that they were at lunch and I'd need to call back in about an hour. Of course.
I called them back as soon as I could get away with it. Part of me dreading it, but all of me knowing that it was something if the doctor had called and I should know these things.
The verdict? My cholesterol is fine (well, kind of), and no diabetes. My level of good cholesterol was low though, and she wanted to let me know I could increase that level through exercise. The story of my life.
I always feel good after I exercise, it's getting there that's the hard part.
But I think this year, I'm really just gonna buy a damn bike when I can afford it. Ben has his bike back and it appears to really be fixed this time, so the only person who still needs one in this family is me.
I hope I'm so steadfast when that time comes though.
When I got home that night, I told Ben about my dream, and I was worried that he'd take it the wrong way, but I forget that he's not as volatile as some of the other men I've dated and he was just like.."don't you hate it when you do something stupid in a dream and you know it's stupid?"
I <3 my boyfriend. =)
Perhaps my dream was good for me anyhow. Perhaps it was only trying to remind me what I used to do while younger, and more "fun".
Maybe it's all in my mind anyhow, cause maybe I wasn't really more "fun" then. This is all only my own perception of myself to begin with.
That's all entirely too introspective. And really long. If you made it all this way, you rock.
I'm off to war with the mafia on MySpace. If my health is improved enough that is.
New toys on the internets are awesome.