Yet another shining example of parenthood or how MySpace ruins my mood over and over again.
I was thinking about my Grandma recently.
As you all know.
So, I went on to MySpace and messaged my mom on April 11th to see if she has any pictures of Grandma. Anything I might be able to have to feel closer to her. My mom said that she had a conference to go to, but that she would look when she got back. Actually, what she said was,
"Desi,
Sure sweetie. I am really busy this weekend, going to Casper for a conference but I will do it as soon as I can. I love you and miss you big time!
Mom"
I wrote back on April 12th:
"Thanks mom. I hope your conference goes (went?) well.
I miss you all too. I looked into the Greyhound, but it would take me three days to get there. I don't know if I'm not looking at it right or what, but that just seems like so long. I don't think Derek would like being on the bus for 3 days, and then have to turn around and go back. =("
From Mom (on April 16th):
"Desi,
I will check into the bus for u too. It didn't take us that long.
Conference went great but I am a little tired. Will look for pictures this weekend. I love you!
Mom"
That was before last weekend. Note how she says she'll look into the bus for me as well. Like she's doing me HUGE favors here.
I've already tried to figure it out, ten ways from Sunday. It will take me too long. Unless I am retarded, Greyhound isn't going to work time wise. And nothing else will work, cost wise.
Besides, you'd think she'd be excited to see her oldest child. Though maybe she's just as nervous about our tension as I? I don't even know. All I know is that yet again, she's not really making any sort of effort to help me out here.
I have NO pictures in my email, or on MySpace. Not even a word from her, explaining. Maybe she forgot? Maybe she did, but seriously! I thought that mentioning Grandma would make her be a little quicker to help me. Maybe something we could bond over, remembering Grandma. We bond over nothing, and she only pays lip service in her messages and emails.
She's great at messages. Always says the right thing. Just never DOES the right thing.
I've pretty much given up on ever seeing my family again. If they can't get here, and I can't get there, that pretty much rules seeing each other out.
Last time I was even messaging my sister she said something about how she was taking all the kids to Disneyland.
They can't afford, and a million other reasons, to come and visit me, but they are going to DISNEYLAND.
I can't even tell you how many times I've seen them doing better since I left and I've always thought...maybe it was me. Maybe I was the reason they couldn't do well in life. Maybe I'm THAT FUCKED UP.
They moved into a bigger place after I ran away. After YEARS of fitting 6 people in a 2 bedroom, and one of those people being a teenager, with no private space, they moved. After I left.
That house was so much nicer than anything we'd had before.
Now they are going to Disneyland. I can't even imagine. I don't even think about vacations, cause I can't afford them. I never even imagined, growing up in my poor ass family, that Disneyland could actually be "had".
My sisters are going though. It's because of Misty and I can't believe it, but I think I'm jealous. I never took as good of care of those kids as she is. She's the one making things happen. It makes me wish I'd had a bigger sister to take over, and make things better. I always thought I was strong, but maybe she's the strong one. Maybe I'm weak. I run away from problems. I sure as hell could never have made it possible for the kids to go to Disneyland. It was all I could do to keep them away from our drunken, drugged up parents.
I'm so angry about the whole thing.
I mean...first of all, DO WHAT YOU SAY YOU ARE GOING TO DO.
Second of all..DON'T TELL ME ALL ABOUT YOU'RE AWESOME, RIDICULOUSLY EXPENSIVE VACATION, WHEN TWO MONTHS AGO, YOU COULDN'T AFFORD TO EVEN DRIVE HERE TO VISIT ME.
I love Oregon. I'm happy here. I'm actually glad now that we moved here, though I wasn't then. Since I decided to stay here, I won't get to see my family. At the time, that didn't sound so bad, I guess? Maybe I didn't realize when I made the choice to stay here how much it really meant. If I had known that staying here=losing my family, would I have made the same choice?
I have Derek. He's my honest to god, real family. I suppose he should be all I need.
All my friends, I consider them to be my selected family.
But no one but Derek is REALLY connected to me. Not by blood, not even by marriage, as some of my family.
And the people who I should be connected to are gone.
If I had a car, I'd be there. I'd have visited. I'd have driven.
But even that seems impossible. If plane tickets are a dream, then having a car is the biggest impossibility of all. I can't afford a monthly payment. I can't afford gas, I can't afford insurance. And that's all stuff that you have to keep paying. You never pay it off, it just keeps coming at you.
I get enough of that from my student loan bills.
So, here I am, mired in the negativity again. I feel like I'm stuck in the "bog of stench".
Oh well. There isn't crap I can do about it. At least somehow I got it out.
Also, you know how I was so hopeless about boys and how they leave you?
I told Ben that he should be different and if we ever break up, he should still be friends with me. I'm always impressed when I can get something like that out and not cry about it in front of him. Let him know, without making anyone feel bad, most of all myself.
I'm done. My headache is coming back. I'm over-taxing my brain again. I just know it.
If I ever get pictures of my Grandma, I will have to post them here.
As you all know.
So, I went on to MySpace and messaged my mom on April 11th to see if she has any pictures of Grandma. Anything I might be able to have to feel closer to her. My mom said that she had a conference to go to, but that she would look when she got back. Actually, what she said was,
"Desi,
Sure sweetie. I am really busy this weekend, going to Casper for a conference but I will do it as soon as I can. I love you and miss you big time!
Mom"
I wrote back on April 12th:
"Thanks mom. I hope your conference goes (went?) well.
I miss you all too. I looked into the Greyhound, but it would take me three days to get there. I don't know if I'm not looking at it right or what, but that just seems like so long. I don't think Derek would like being on the bus for 3 days, and then have to turn around and go back. =("
From Mom (on April 16th):
"Desi,
I will check into the bus for u too. It didn't take us that long.
Conference went great but I am a little tired. Will look for pictures this weekend. I love you!
Mom"
That was before last weekend. Note how she says she'll look into the bus for me as well. Like she's doing me HUGE favors here.
I've already tried to figure it out, ten ways from Sunday. It will take me too long. Unless I am retarded, Greyhound isn't going to work time wise. And nothing else will work, cost wise.
Besides, you'd think she'd be excited to see her oldest child. Though maybe she's just as nervous about our tension as I? I don't even know. All I know is that yet again, she's not really making any sort of effort to help me out here.
I have NO pictures in my email, or on MySpace. Not even a word from her, explaining. Maybe she forgot? Maybe she did, but seriously! I thought that mentioning Grandma would make her be a little quicker to help me. Maybe something we could bond over, remembering Grandma. We bond over nothing, and she only pays lip service in her messages and emails.
She's great at messages. Always says the right thing. Just never DOES the right thing.
I've pretty much given up on ever seeing my family again. If they can't get here, and I can't get there, that pretty much rules seeing each other out.
Last time I was even messaging my sister she said something about how she was taking all the kids to Disneyland.
They can't afford, and a million other reasons, to come and visit me, but they are going to DISNEYLAND.
I can't even tell you how many times I've seen them doing better since I left and I've always thought...maybe it was me. Maybe I was the reason they couldn't do well in life. Maybe I'm THAT FUCKED UP.
They moved into a bigger place after I ran away. After YEARS of fitting 6 people in a 2 bedroom, and one of those people being a teenager, with no private space, they moved. After I left.
That house was so much nicer than anything we'd had before.
Now they are going to Disneyland. I can't even imagine. I don't even think about vacations, cause I can't afford them. I never even imagined, growing up in my poor ass family, that Disneyland could actually be "had".
My sisters are going though. It's because of Misty and I can't believe it, but I think I'm jealous. I never took as good of care of those kids as she is. She's the one making things happen. It makes me wish I'd had a bigger sister to take over, and make things better. I always thought I was strong, but maybe she's the strong one. Maybe I'm weak. I run away from problems. I sure as hell could never have made it possible for the kids to go to Disneyland. It was all I could do to keep them away from our drunken, drugged up parents.
I'm so angry about the whole thing.
I mean...first of all, DO WHAT YOU SAY YOU ARE GOING TO DO.
Second of all..DON'T TELL ME ALL ABOUT YOU'RE AWESOME, RIDICULOUSLY EXPENSIVE VACATION, WHEN TWO MONTHS AGO, YOU COULDN'T AFFORD TO EVEN DRIVE HERE TO VISIT ME.
I love Oregon. I'm happy here. I'm actually glad now that we moved here, though I wasn't then. Since I decided to stay here, I won't get to see my family. At the time, that didn't sound so bad, I guess? Maybe I didn't realize when I made the choice to stay here how much it really meant. If I had known that staying here=losing my family, would I have made the same choice?
I have Derek. He's my honest to god, real family. I suppose he should be all I need.
All my friends, I consider them to be my selected family.
But no one but Derek is REALLY connected to me. Not by blood, not even by marriage, as some of my family.
And the people who I should be connected to are gone.
If I had a car, I'd be there. I'd have visited. I'd have driven.
But even that seems impossible. If plane tickets are a dream, then having a car is the biggest impossibility of all. I can't afford a monthly payment. I can't afford gas, I can't afford insurance. And that's all stuff that you have to keep paying. You never pay it off, it just keeps coming at you.
I get enough of that from my student loan bills.
So, here I am, mired in the negativity again. I feel like I'm stuck in the "bog of stench".
Oh well. There isn't crap I can do about it. At least somehow I got it out.
Also, you know how I was so hopeless about boys and how they leave you?
I told Ben that he should be different and if we ever break up, he should still be friends with me. I'm always impressed when I can get something like that out and not cry about it in front of him. Let him know, without making anyone feel bad, most of all myself.
I'm done. My headache is coming back. I'm over-taxing my brain again. I just know it.
If I ever get pictures of my Grandma, I will have to post them here.
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