Sore
I'm still really sore. I might have caught a bit of the flu. I've been feeling "off" for weeks. Better today, but I just wanted to sleep more, so I called in. I had a bit of a fever last night. Again, better now, but I'm tired.
Did I say I'm tired? *grin*
I don't have much of anything today.
Just strange dreams. Bad or just really wierd first?
Let's go with the one less fresh in my mind. Just strange. I started writing about this the other day, but didn't finish. So I guess I'm trying again.
Tara and I had lunch Friday.
We talked...who am I kidding? I talked, she listened. I'm working SO hard on trying not to talk all the time and just listen, but then people think I'm upset, cause I'm not talking. =(
I talked about my mom. I'm still so mad. I've been crying off and on over her and thinking about her and the shit she is STILL DOING.
I thought she'd learned. I mean, I RAN away from home at 15.
Somehow this came around to the way people act while drunk. Prolly cause my mom drinks all the time and becomes an emotional basketcase. Just screaming and crying. It's stupid.
Not that I've never cried while drunk.
In fact, I was telling Tara that sometimes I become a maudlin drunk. Just sad for no real reason.
She laughed. But I thought about how it usually goes downhill when we talk about stupid crap that I am already somewhat emotional about. Like the whole marriage thing.
She asked me why it matters so much to me?
I told her I want to be married at least ONCE before I die. Crazy bitches get married ALL THE TIME, and yet I've never been married.
I told her that it would make me feel like we were more attached. And that much harder to just get fed up and say fuck it, like I've done before.
It would be harder to walk out on the whole thing.
Call me crazy. (HA, maybe then I'll get married!)
(I'm hearing the TV and this guy just said that him and his wife "kinda" hit a tree. How do you KINDA hit a tree?)
So anyhow, the DREAM. Right.
That night I dreamt about how this guy (some blonde guy, not Ben, but not anyone I know either, more like a "movie" guy. If that makes sense) asked me to marry him. And I was SO happy, but then his mom hated me?
And she kept trying to get me in "trouble" or at least make him realize he didn't want to marry me for one stupid reason after another.
And then I was just like...look, your mom doesn't like me and I was sad.
But he started kissing me and I was happy again. And he was a GOOD kisser. Just the kissing and I was melting.
And then I woke up.
Weird, huh?
This morning, I came home after dropping off Derek and had coffee and sat around under a blanket until 10. Then I fell asleep until 12:30 or so. I'm still tired.
Falling asleep for a short period of time usually means I will have some WEIRD dream. I'm confused, cause I've heard that you have to be asleep for a certain amount of hours until you even hit R.E.M. which is when dreaming happens.
This morning...god this morning sucked. I think I woke up pretty instantly and then pushed it into the back of my mind until something clicked.
In the dream my skin was hanging. Like if I lost a lot of weight, really quickly. People have to have surgery to remove excess fat. *shivers* Like..it would have made sense if it was right at the elbow, cause my arms are kinda big. But it was on the arm, closer to the wrist. Which just didn't make any sense. Cause it was a LOT of skin. It hung in like a "V" pattern.
And just as I'm starting to really freak out, I notice there is a hole in the skin. A little GREEN round hole.
Which is when I realize a HUGE caterpiller is burrowed into my skin (consequently pulling my skin down into the "v" shape) and I try to start pulling it out, but it wasn't really working. I panicked more.
And then I think I woke up, or just shut the dream out. It ended, thank god.
It was too real. Those dreams that "feel" like they can really be happening.
Most of the time I can make sense of what could "really" happen, versus the weird dreams.
Like when I forgot Derek at day care or something. I KNEW I'd never really forget him so I was able to just let it go. Often trying to find him and get there only leaded into more delay and more panic.
So I just realized that my mind was taking a break from having a kid and I should just go do what I wanted while dreaming.
This one felt more real then that. When I remembered, I actually looked at my arms to make sure there wasn't anything weird happening with them and they were fine. But feeling like I HAD to look to make sure? Unsettling.
Perhaps I have to have had the dream before to realize that it is a dream? I don't think I've had anything like this before.
Sometimes I fucking hate dreams.
Did I say I'm tired? *grin*
I don't have much of anything today.
Just strange dreams. Bad or just really wierd first?
Let's go with the one less fresh in my mind. Just strange. I started writing about this the other day, but didn't finish. So I guess I'm trying again.
Tara and I had lunch Friday.
We talked...who am I kidding? I talked, she listened. I'm working SO hard on trying not to talk all the time and just listen, but then people think I'm upset, cause I'm not talking. =(
I talked about my mom. I'm still so mad. I've been crying off and on over her and thinking about her and the shit she is STILL DOING.
I thought she'd learned. I mean, I RAN away from home at 15.
Somehow this came around to the way people act while drunk. Prolly cause my mom drinks all the time and becomes an emotional basketcase. Just screaming and crying. It's stupid.
Not that I've never cried while drunk.
In fact, I was telling Tara that sometimes I become a maudlin drunk. Just sad for no real reason.
She laughed. But I thought about how it usually goes downhill when we talk about stupid crap that I am already somewhat emotional about. Like the whole marriage thing.
She asked me why it matters so much to me?
I told her I want to be married at least ONCE before I die. Crazy bitches get married ALL THE TIME, and yet I've never been married.
I told her that it would make me feel like we were more attached. And that much harder to just get fed up and say fuck it, like I've done before.
It would be harder to walk out on the whole thing.
Call me crazy. (HA, maybe then I'll get married!)
(I'm hearing the TV and this guy just said that him and his wife "kinda" hit a tree. How do you KINDA hit a tree?)
So anyhow, the DREAM. Right.
That night I dreamt about how this guy (some blonde guy, not Ben, but not anyone I know either, more like a "movie" guy. If that makes sense) asked me to marry him. And I was SO happy, but then his mom hated me?
And she kept trying to get me in "trouble" or at least make him realize he didn't want to marry me for one stupid reason after another.
And then I was just like...look, your mom doesn't like me and I was sad.
But he started kissing me and I was happy again. And he was a GOOD kisser. Just the kissing and I was melting.
And then I woke up.
Weird, huh?
This morning, I came home after dropping off Derek and had coffee and sat around under a blanket until 10. Then I fell asleep until 12:30 or so. I'm still tired.
Falling asleep for a short period of time usually means I will have some WEIRD dream. I'm confused, cause I've heard that you have to be asleep for a certain amount of hours until you even hit R.E.M. which is when dreaming happens.
This morning...god this morning sucked. I think I woke up pretty instantly and then pushed it into the back of my mind until something clicked.
In the dream my skin was hanging. Like if I lost a lot of weight, really quickly. People have to have surgery to remove excess fat. *shivers* Like..it would have made sense if it was right at the elbow, cause my arms are kinda big. But it was on the arm, closer to the wrist. Which just didn't make any sense. Cause it was a LOT of skin. It hung in like a "V" pattern.
And just as I'm starting to really freak out, I notice there is a hole in the skin. A little GREEN round hole.
Which is when I realize a HUGE caterpiller is burrowed into my skin (consequently pulling my skin down into the "v" shape) and I try to start pulling it out, but it wasn't really working. I panicked more.
And then I think I woke up, or just shut the dream out. It ended, thank god.
It was too real. Those dreams that "feel" like they can really be happening.
Most of the time I can make sense of what could "really" happen, versus the weird dreams.
Like when I forgot Derek at day care or something. I KNEW I'd never really forget him so I was able to just let it go. Often trying to find him and get there only leaded into more delay and more panic.
So I just realized that my mind was taking a break from having a kid and I should just go do what I wanted while dreaming.
This one felt more real then that. When I remembered, I actually looked at my arms to make sure there wasn't anything weird happening with them and they were fine. But feeling like I HAD to look to make sure? Unsettling.
Perhaps I have to have had the dream before to realize that it is a dream? I don't think I've had anything like this before.
Sometimes I fucking hate dreams.
Comments
we should do a slumber party again sometime *LOL*
It's FUN.