Here's where I admit I'm angry

SUPER FREAKING ANGRY.
SO ANGRY.
PISSED OFF.
READY TO BLOW A FUSE.
And whatever else you can think of to call it.

My own mother can't bother to call me when my littlest sister gets really sick and has to be taken into the HOSPITAL. Like I'm not even part of the family.

She is fine now, but she had to have surgery to lengthen her shunts, to make sure she doesn't get too much water in her brain.
And what do I get?
Some light hearted email comparing the whole thing to one of those damn "priceless" MasterCard commercials.

Making the whole thing seem like nothing. It's a BIG deal mom. I could be called. Not sent some email (which was sent to a BUNCH of people at the same time) almost making fun of the whole thing.

Now my sister has her head shaved again. =( I'm sure she doesn't care, cause she seems like that kind of person. It won't even matter to her, cause she is OK. But you never know what she thinks in her head, if someone else says something. Kids say things without even realizing they are cruel things to say.
But at least she is ok.

I just....GOD. She NEVER should've had another kid and then to ignore her kids now that they can basically take care of themselves? Maybe she would've seen some signs, before it had to be an emergency. And they live in the "boonies", so even a hospital trip takes forever.
I swear my mom just thinks that if she ignores things, then they'll go away.

She's can't ignore the problems Mary Ann can potentially have, being born so premature. Being born when my mom's body couldn't even hold her to term. Only for FIVE months. For whatever reason. Either the cancer, or the drugs. She said she stopped...or was it that she said she TRIED to stop? I can't even remember.

How much of her ignoring us is because of guilt? Cause maybe if she doesn't "see" us, she won't feel guilty for how FUCKED up we are?

I'm just more amazed by people now. And not in a good way. Earlier, I was amused by people and now I'm just half-sick wondering about people and how many of them do bad things? Like ignore their children. Like ignore the signs of child abuse. Like...well, child abuse in general. WTF???

I mean....being a mom, some things I didn't understand from being a kid, I do now. But some of the things I didn't get about her and how she raised me, I still don't.
Which is probably a good thing.
I reacted pretty bad when I found out she was pregnant with Mary Ann. I was SO pissed, I went around telling people I was gonna sew her legs shut. What kind of business did she have to have ANOTHER kid?
I'm pretty sure she ended up bitter about the way her life turned out. When I questioned her about things like birth control, she said she didn't want to gain weight.

Better to have a whole BUNCH of kids that you can't support?
She had condoms, I used to steal them and fill them up as water balloons before school.
I don't know if she used them all the time...maybe just oops, a few times?
I'm pretty sure she never TRIED to get pregnant. I'm pretty sure it was an oops thing each time.

I can't even imagine having six kids. It's no wonder I never really felt like she was spending time with us. Maybe she was overwhelmed? And that would be why she'd just escape? Like the MINUTE I got home from school, she was just off. Never really any good reason. She was just gonna ride her bike around...too the store to play Keno, to go look through people's trash cans. We called it dumpster diving. And yes, sometimes people throw away perfectly good shit. But how white trash is it that my mother did that? I was embarassed, of course.
I just wish that sometimes she would call me, maybe even for no reason, but especially for things like the holidays. And maybe I should just call her, but I don't know what to talk to her about. I'm still so angry with her.
Yet I miss her.

And I don't know if we both have too much pride. Perhaps she thinks I don't care, cause I don't email her or call her sometimes when I know I should. My dad calls me, and even encourages me to call him collect if I need to. He's more there for me then she is. It's so different then when I was growing up. I mean, your parents can have pride, but shouldn't they say SOMETHING on your birthday? A card, an email? A phone call?
I guess I feel a little abandoned. I miss my family. Growing up we had so many get togethers. And sometimes I didn't necessarily LIKE my cousins, we were FAMILY. I've made my own little family, but it's kinda small. I miss having sisters around. I've pretty much adopted Jesse. We've known each other so long and we are all about the platonic friend thing, to the point that it FEELS like he's my brother. I give him crap sometimes, but he's actually gotten better lately. He doesn't get wasted drunk and say stupid crap.

And I'm just really not ok with not even being told about my sister having to go to the hospital and no one telling me.