Our subject today
Well boys and girls,
While I may go on and on about my boyfriend and my own insecurity lately, he actually said something today that really kinda blew me away.
He had called while I was at lunch, so I called him back, freaking out a little, cause he NEVER calls me at work.
He had wanted to make sure we could afford cigarettes. I'm thinking..hell yeah, you take care of my kid and I don't have to pay for day care, we can certainly afford cigarettes.
So, I tell him of course, and he says..well, it's too late now.
I'm confused and can't figure out what the hell he means, until he says that he is on the way to get Derek and he doesn't want to take him to the gas station to get cigarettes. He goes on to tell me that Derek knows he smokes, he's seen him smoking, but he doesn't want to have Derek there waiting and then saying something like..oh you're getting Camel Jade Lights.
He then says (get this, this is the part that BLEW me away) that a little part of him dies when Derek says something like that.
He cares SO much for my kid. It boggles my mind, since he is not terribly demonstrative, or vocal about his feelings, it just threw me.
I know what he means, once I wanted to get to the liquor store and it was kind of last minute, so I figured I'd take Derek with me.
For about a MONTH afterwards, he'd say (EVERY time we got on the bus), oh are we going to the liquor store?
In his little tiny voice, that seemed to RING so loud, since I didn't want people hearing that.
I've not taken him in again. And I regret doing it to begin with, but I can't change it now. He's forgotten anyhow.
The cigarette thing brings me to my topic of wondering today.
I always wonder how people who didn't grow up in smoking households starting smoking.
I grew up in one, I started "trying" to smoke at NINE. Derek will be nine next month. =S
I didn't inhale, I didn't know that far, only that holding smoke in my mouth and blowing it out was awesome and made me look cool.
I did a lot of things young. =(
My mom found the pack I had squirreled away, and probably smacked me for it. I don't remember. I know I got in trouble and she loved to smack.
I stopped.
I started hanging out with these girls who were the "bad girls" at 12. I brought my little brother with me, since I was the designatedmommy babysitter. He sat in his stroller and we sat in a circle. They looked at me and asked if I smoked. I was trying to be cool and I was like..yeah, once.
They handed me a cigarette, and I did what I had down before. They all watched me, and then asked why I didn't inhale.
Inhale? I knew nothing of the sort. What the hell? They showed me.
And I've been smoking ever since. I actually totally quit for 3 months while pregnant. I'm not calling what I do now quitting, cause that's too final. I watched someone light up right after work yesterday and marveled that I don't HAVE to do that. Maybe I'm kidding myself, but it feels like more of a choice now, than something I HAVE to do.
I know that most people who grow up in a smoking household will smoke. I try to negate that at least a little, by smoking outside. My mom never cared. What amazes me now is that even when my little sister was brought home from the hospital with an oxygen tank, they still smoked inside. I don't want Derek to grow up and smoke. I don't want him to have to deal with trying to quit later. Cause most people I know have at least TRIED to quit. It's hard as hell to do. That's why I'm not FINAL about it. That's why I don't feel bad when I feel like smoking. I figure, tomorrow is a new day, I can not smoke tomorrow. I still smoke less days than I do. I smoked in Heather's car Monday, too much. It made me feel ill. I skipped breakfast and then smoked a bunch, no wonder. I haven't had an urge since then.
Ben's parents don't smoke and while he still ended up smoking. But he didn't start at 12, so that's good. And he actually thinks about things like that, my kid knowing about smoking. So who knows, maybe at some point, neither of us will smoke. It could happen.
While I may go on and on about my boyfriend and my own insecurity lately, he actually said something today that really kinda blew me away.
He had called while I was at lunch, so I called him back, freaking out a little, cause he NEVER calls me at work.
He had wanted to make sure we could afford cigarettes. I'm thinking..hell yeah, you take care of my kid and I don't have to pay for day care, we can certainly afford cigarettes.
So, I tell him of course, and he says..well, it's too late now.
I'm confused and can't figure out what the hell he means, until he says that he is on the way to get Derek and he doesn't want to take him to the gas station to get cigarettes. He goes on to tell me that Derek knows he smokes, he's seen him smoking, but he doesn't want to have Derek there waiting and then saying something like..oh you're getting Camel Jade Lights.
He then says (get this, this is the part that BLEW me away) that a little part of him dies when Derek says something like that.
He cares SO much for my kid. It boggles my mind, since he is not terribly demonstrative, or vocal about his feelings, it just threw me.
I know what he means, once I wanted to get to the liquor store and it was kind of last minute, so I figured I'd take Derek with me.
For about a MONTH afterwards, he'd say (EVERY time we got on the bus), oh are we going to the liquor store?
In his little tiny voice, that seemed to RING so loud, since I didn't want people hearing that.
I've not taken him in again. And I regret doing it to begin with, but I can't change it now. He's forgotten anyhow.
The cigarette thing brings me to my topic of wondering today.
I always wonder how people who didn't grow up in smoking households starting smoking.
I grew up in one, I started "trying" to smoke at NINE. Derek will be nine next month. =S
I didn't inhale, I didn't know that far, only that holding smoke in my mouth and blowing it out was awesome and made me look cool.
I did a lot of things young. =(
My mom found the pack I had squirreled away, and probably smacked me for it. I don't remember. I know I got in trouble and she loved to smack.
I stopped.
I started hanging out with these girls who were the "bad girls" at 12. I brought my little brother with me, since I was the designated
They handed me a cigarette, and I did what I had down before. They all watched me, and then asked why I didn't inhale.
Inhale? I knew nothing of the sort. What the hell? They showed me.
And I've been smoking ever since. I actually totally quit for 3 months while pregnant. I'm not calling what I do now quitting, cause that's too final. I watched someone light up right after work yesterday and marveled that I don't HAVE to do that. Maybe I'm kidding myself, but it feels like more of a choice now, than something I HAVE to do.
I know that most people who grow up in a smoking household will smoke. I try to negate that at least a little, by smoking outside. My mom never cared. What amazes me now is that even when my little sister was brought home from the hospital with an oxygen tank, they still smoked inside. I don't want Derek to grow up and smoke. I don't want him to have to deal with trying to quit later. Cause most people I know have at least TRIED to quit. It's hard as hell to do. That's why I'm not FINAL about it. That's why I don't feel bad when I feel like smoking. I figure, tomorrow is a new day, I can not smoke tomorrow. I still smoke less days than I do. I smoked in Heather's car Monday, too much. It made me feel ill. I skipped breakfast and then smoked a bunch, no wonder. I haven't had an urge since then.
Ben's parents don't smoke and while he still ended up smoking. But he didn't start at 12, so that's good. And he actually thinks about things like that, my kid knowing about smoking. So who knows, maybe at some point, neither of us will smoke. It could happen.
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