Can't keep me down.

I replaced many songs on the Ipod last night. Now I have almost three full albums of Pink, which would seem to have put me into a better mood. I don't know.

I find out today that someone I know is moving and is getting rid of some furniture and they have a love seat and a couch! YAY! Mine are falling apart and it would be so awesome to have some newer furniture. Now I just have to find a truck to get them.
It pays to know people.

I've been thinking about that silly meme about which signs you should not date. It said Cancer, because they are secretive, even while wanting to know your feelings. They are right. I hadn't really thought of it. I thought I was more open, but that only seems to be here. I guess I'm sorry to you guys that you have to read my weird rambling thoughts and pity parties. This has become my diary, so I write things I wouldn't dare say. Thoughts I wouldn't dare air out loud.
I don't know if Ben cares, or if he thinks I'm a "what you see (and hear) is what you get" type person. If he does, then I am really good at "hiding" my thoughts and feelings. There is always so much more beneath the surface. I find myself doing it even now. I haven't called him all day. I usually like to, just because. Check on my family and all that. But I never really have anything amusing to say and it feels more like I'm trying to "run" things from at work. At least to me. He doesn't seem to care one way or the other. So I didn't call at all today. And I'm wondering if it's not my way of distancing myself?
It could very well be. It would seem that I have this vague dissatisfaction with things right now. I mean...well, I'm not even sure what I mean.
But how long can a relationship last when all we really do is turn on the TV and stare at it until it's time for bed? Then he'll gravitate towards the computer.
When we do talk, it's more me talking at him. I mean..I guess it's not like life is terribly exciting, but I guess I just wonder what it would be like to have someone who wants to talk to me as much as I want to talk to him. Then it wouldn't feel so one sided.
While I'm expressing my vague dissatisfaction, I would like to say that a girl needs compliments, dammit. Sure, it might be partly my fault. I've started gravitating towards work t-shirts and jeans, almost all the time. Today I put on my pink, pretty shirt. With a black long sleeve shirt under of course. Otherwise it wouldn't be work appropriate. I asked Derek how my shirt looked and he says "It looks GOOD." almost as if surprised. So perhaps I've been slacking. This just goes to show that even with the small male in the house, it takes me asking how I look to garner a compliment. Though sometimes Derek will talk about how much he likes me hair. It's soft, or shiny, or whatever. =) He's a good kid.
I'm not sure how to express my need for compliments, short of very bluntly just saying, I NEED COMPLIMENTS. But that feels like "fishing" for them, and I think people should compliment me because they want to. Though I'm not entirely above fishing occasionally.
Yet, I find myself wondering DAILY what he is thinking. Sometimes, lately, when he stares at me (during sex - he likes eye contact, freaked me out for awhile, but I'm getting better. I used to just shut my eyes and throw back my head. Makes for less of a double chin possibility.), it almost seems like something is unsaid. And I find myself wondering if he might actually be coming around on the marriage idea. I also wonder if by the time he gets there, I'll have decided it's not worth waiting. And once I've made up my mind, I rarely go back.
Then, other days, I can't help but wonder if he is sick of me, but can't or won't give up.

Then I try to remember I am special and that he knows that. He tried so hard to get me that I hardly think almost 6 years later that he is just going to be like...yeah, never mind.

The talker has been annoying everyone the past few days. Just one thing after another. She seems to think that when someone explains something to her, she needs to call others to find out what they already explained? It's just a little confusing. Our receptionist is ready to kill her. I'm just ready for the weekend. She came down and complained about how we don't make enough damn money working here. She should be happy she has a job. This is the same person who goes on vacation, and lives with her boyfriend who needs like...two packs of cigarettes a day. He works now, but then a lot of his paycheck comes out for child support and then he'll actually just spend money out of their account. When they don't have any.

It MUST be that she doesn't make enough though. I'm SURE that's it.

It's been four years as of Saturday, if you go by the date on my charge account. Today if you go by the date in my head. Next year I get a PLAQUE. =p
Woot. /sarcasm.
Seriously though? Since I've been not fucking up I'm really doing good. I might actually become boss some day. I'm definitely spades ahead of the talker and she's been here longer than our boss. They're talking about getting me into doing more stuff with the financials and maybe getting a new person to do the consignments. It will be weird to have someone else do what I consider "my job", but it would be nice to learn more stuff. It kinda feels like I'm indispensable. =) And that makes me happy.
Also, this yearly review should mean a raise. And I do like making more. =)

Back to me though. I've been finding that things I think are true about myself really aren't.
I don't know if I lied to myself, or if I've changed since I formed those opinions.
Like..I used to think I was easy going, or at least not easily irritated. But I am WAY EASILY IRRITATED. Some things really set me off and others...well, others don't even phase me. That doesn't make any sense, I know. I wish I could be less irritated, or at least able to hide it better.
It's like that prayer..."God grant me the serenity to accept those things that I can not change."
Except more like...God grant me the serenity to not be bothered by things I cannot change. Cause I'm not as poetic as the first one. It's basically the same idea. I wanted to come up with something funnier, maybe like..
God grant me the serenity to not kill the talker while she is napping downstairs.

Or god grant me the patience to shut the fuck up and ignore those that annoy the hell out of me.
Except I don't think any prayer would work when you include fuck in there.
Oh well.

I gotta go, just some more random musings. Hey, it's called RANDOM thoughts. I've given up trying to tie all the shit together. Never did do very well writing things like essays. I have a lot to say, just not much to tie it together.
If you don't like it, suck it. *wink*