It's bad when you annoy yourself.

I've realized lately...

That I'm really an odd duck.

(I don't know where I've heard that but I like being a duck, so whatever)

I've been too grumpy. Over shit that is my own fault. It's all my own fault. I should own it. I should own being fat, I should own spending money I don't have, I should own being stupid with money I do have.

I just wish there was fun free stuff to do, I guess.

I'm just not sure how to get there. I mean...well, I'm really GOOD at feeling guilty. I'm quick to take the blame if something went wrong at work. Yet not so good in my personal life. I'd like to blame all my problems on other people. I try not to, at least not out loud. It's not so easy inside my head.

Other ways I'm strange?

I've realized that if I want to hang out with someone, I need to make plans in advance. I almost NEVER go out when someone just calls me. I need to have time to plan?? I don't know. I don't have any clue what it is. I used to be more impulsive, but perhaps having a kid, and knowing I can't just leave whenever I want made me more of a planner? Without Jake there and before Ben, I rarely got any time to do anything. I'd have quiet time when he went to bed, but I couldn't leave. Perhaps this changed me, irreversibly?

And I also realized that I get REALLY nervous when someone comes to visit me. I'm fairly certain anyone who's actually came to a party, or came over and was the first person to my house knows that I don't sit down for awhile. I tend to finish this or that. It's like I'm too nervous to sit down and visit with someone until I have a period of transition.

Sometimes even when people call me, I get really nervous before answering the phone. =(

If I'm going to someone's house it's not as bad. I might not sit for a bit, but I'm not nearly as nervous. It might help that I ride the bus and then I have that transitional period. Or maybe it helps that I am the "one in charge" for want of a better word.

I mean...technically I'm not in charge at all, since it's their house, but since I'm going to them, it helps...? I guess. I don't know. It doesn't really make sense. I am more comfortable in my own house over all, but I'm just nervous to begin with. Like...maybe my house isn't clean enough, or maybe this is wrong, or that is wrong.
It's almost like I'm shy for just a moment.

It doesn't mean I don't want someone there. I like people. At least I think I like people. Maybe I don't, and I'm just confused.

I find that this week the more I share, about being weird, about being fat and insecure, I like myself a little less and I count as a person, so maybe I don't really like people.

It just doesn't make sense at all. Why would I be so nervous if I'm throwing a party? And why am I not as nervous with the guests who show up later? It's only that first person. =S

Even someone I've known for years, like Heather, I'll still be nervous. Maybe that's cause she used to bring Mike and I really wanted him to like me. It seemed like he didn't come with her often and I used to think it was because he didn't think I was cool enough. Now, I think it's just because he was more of a homebody. Especially since the last time I saw him, he talked to me. And since they aren't together, he didn't "have" to talk to me.

Perhaps I feel like a united front when I have one friend there already?

Ben's always there, so he could be my united front.

I never really considered it that way...I don't know why...my inherent need to not be involved so deeply with someone that I can't leave if I want?

Cause I've done it before. Just cut my losses and walked. I don't know if I have impossibly high standards or what.

What's interesting is that I DO feel like we are "united" when we are dealing with Derek, or rent, or this or that. Just not parties? Not in front of others? It's like I can only be happy and safe and secure if NO ONE ELSE IS AROUND?

Even that doesn't work, cause you'd have to cut my brain out. My wonderful, frustrated, endlessly thinking, making everything worse than it is brain.

I don't even know why I'm still rambling. Trying desperately to make people understand me? Understand me, please! *wry smirk*