Do you remember how I said sometimes I need to cry?
I'm feeling down today and I don't really have a good reason. Just, it seems like too many people are sad or down on themselves. Then I start to dwell and that's NEVER a good thing.
I guess just everything has me a little down.
For instance,
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the porn, but I was looking through the stuff Ben had downloaded (sometimes we download that SAME stuff and put it in our own little respective folders. Save space to share a folder, but we both seem a little embarassed about the porn. He likes pictures, I prefer videos.), and even some of the stuff I had downloaded and I got depressed.
Cause I'm just NEVER gonna look like any of those women. They are practically MADE for porn and the smooth, glowing skin, the tight curves of their asses, the non saggy perfect breasts.
I realize that I shouldn't really care that I'll never look like them. But you know what? I do a little bit.
It's not like I even had a time when I was close. It would be nice sometime to have a man be able to lift me as if I was nothing, especially for sex purposes, and just feeling that kind of strength.
To feel someone run their hand down my side and not be embarassed about how lumpy it is.
I can't wait to get a new bike. And I'm gonna get some barbells. I saw some at Target that I just REALLY love, and it would be awesome to actually be able to show off my new tattoo in something sleeveless.
Not that I'll be able to acheive that glowing, smooth skin. I'm always gonna have stretch marks.
There just isn't anything I can do about it.
I read a book last year where the narrator woke up beautiful. She had been fat and ugly and just felt hopeless. I guess I should be glad I'm not ugly.
She woke up blonde, with the right kind of curves, and it was just amazing. The way people treated her differently? That was a little sad.
When I start to get really down about my weight, I start to blame everything on it. Like maybe I haven't been married cause I'm fat? Maybe my so-called friends who don't talk to me, don't talk to me cause I am fat. Maybe every boyfriend who ever broke up with me, did it because I was fat?
I know that's using my fat as a scape goat. I KNOW that it's not reasonable to think that.
That doesn't stop me.
Nothing stops me. My head hurts, so I'm gonna stop typing and thinking about this shit even more. I have no tylenol, so I won't be able to stop the pounding, but at least I can stop making it worse.
I mean...I guess I just want to feel the best at something. I'm not the best dieter, not the best person to work out religiously, not the smartest, not the sanest (not by a long shot), not the prettiest. Just not anything.
Avril Lavigne has a song called "Anything but ordinary", where she just goes on and on about how she'd rather be anything but ordinary, please. Does this make sense to me? Sure.
I think I just need some compliments. If only I could give them to myself and believe them.
I lied a little, I wasn't done up there, but I am now.
I guess just everything has me a little down.
For instance,
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the porn, but I was looking through the stuff Ben had downloaded (sometimes we download that SAME stuff and put it in our own little respective folders. Save space to share a folder, but we both seem a little embarassed about the porn. He likes pictures, I prefer videos.), and even some of the stuff I had downloaded and I got depressed.
Cause I'm just NEVER gonna look like any of those women. They are practically MADE for porn and the smooth, glowing skin, the tight curves of their asses, the non saggy perfect breasts.
I realize that I shouldn't really care that I'll never look like them. But you know what? I do a little bit.
It's not like I even had a time when I was close. It would be nice sometime to have a man be able to lift me as if I was nothing, especially for sex purposes, and just feeling that kind of strength.
To feel someone run their hand down my side and not be embarassed about how lumpy it is.
I can't wait to get a new bike. And I'm gonna get some barbells. I saw some at Target that I just REALLY love, and it would be awesome to actually be able to show off my new tattoo in something sleeveless.
Not that I'll be able to acheive that glowing, smooth skin. I'm always gonna have stretch marks.
There just isn't anything I can do about it.
I read a book last year where the narrator woke up beautiful. She had been fat and ugly and just felt hopeless. I guess I should be glad I'm not ugly.
She woke up blonde, with the right kind of curves, and it was just amazing. The way people treated her differently? That was a little sad.
When I start to get really down about my weight, I start to blame everything on it. Like maybe I haven't been married cause I'm fat? Maybe my so-called friends who don't talk to me, don't talk to me cause I am fat. Maybe every boyfriend who ever broke up with me, did it because I was fat?
I know that's using my fat as a scape goat. I KNOW that it's not reasonable to think that.
That doesn't stop me.
Nothing stops me. My head hurts, so I'm gonna stop typing and thinking about this shit even more. I have no tylenol, so I won't be able to stop the pounding, but at least I can stop making it worse.
I mean...I guess I just want to feel the best at something. I'm not the best dieter, not the best person to work out religiously, not the smartest, not the sanest (not by a long shot), not the prettiest. Just not anything.
Avril Lavigne has a song called "Anything but ordinary", where she just goes on and on about how she'd rather be anything but ordinary, please. Does this make sense to me? Sure.
I think I just need some compliments. If only I could give them to myself and believe them.
I lied a little, I wasn't done up there, but I am now.
Comments
in the end, it all comes down to how you feel about yourself, not how other people look at you. I've met some very BIG women who thought they were damned sexy, and you know what? They were. Because they thought it.
It really doesn't matter what those kind of people think anyway, if they're that shallow, they don't deserve to be your friends.
(there, I said something positive without sounding too cliche)
Meh. I have moments when I see some flabby part and I'm just offended. =(
Ariel - That's easy. They are idiots. I KNOW that isn't the reason, it just seems so weird that most of my exes ended up being with someone smaller than I. Most likely, just the odds, but damn.
I try thinking it, but I can't seem to make it STICK. I'm not sure how to keep the voice in my head saying damn, you are SEXY, instead of...well, look at her. =( I guess I need lessons. Where are these women?
Don't you hate it when you want to be helpful, but everything you can think of is TOO cliche. =S