Better?

I guess.

My head hurts. My eyes are sore.

Meh.

Apparently, and I find this funny, I look like crap. I didn't look in the mirror last night cause I knew my face would be splotchy and red, and I didn't want to sit there worrying what Ben was thinking. It's obvious I had been crying.

He did just STARE at me for a good long while last night. Now I can't remember, though it might have been because he wanted me to figure out what I wanted for dinner. I wanted nothing, really. So I was not helpful.

I remember wondering WHY he was staring at me, so perhaps he realized and was trying to just stare the reason why I was crying out of me?

I don't know. Used to be, I'd just cry at him and he'd rub my back, but that got old. It's gotten to where I don't want him to see my crying. It's usually about stupid crap anyhow, so why try to explain? Like the quote says sometimes a dame just needs to cry buckets.

I'm regretting getting so into the crying. I seem to feel like if I cry enough, I'll finally just be done and won't need to cry anymore. It would seem that I have an endless supply though, go figure. *smirk*

Whatever the case may be, he was particularly attentive last night, almost like he knew I needed to feel desirable. And I have the tiniest little marks where he bit a little too hard. It's fun to try and hide them. I MIGHT be able to pass it off as a zit. I don't know. I love him biting and sucking my neck, but I bruise so easily. =(

I should just shut the hell up and realize that not many people download fat girl porn. It's not like I did. Although sometimes I look for it. Why is it that Ron Jeremy can make porn, but you have to have gorgeous, unrealistic women? Cause it's harder to get it up, then to fake having an orgasm, I guess. And I should realize that feeling sorry for myself won't get me anywhere. I just seem to have no will power when it comes to sweets. Especially at night. During the day, at work mostly, I can be super good. I'll have my yogurt, and my sandwich and carrots. And WATER, lots of water. And that's it. I can be super good.

At home I'm not. I usually wait until I'm so hungry that all I want is something easy. Easy means processed and very not good for you, usually. I try and buy fruit, but no one eats it, so I give up. Like apples and all that fun stuff.

Meh.

I'm done for now. I can't start crying again.

This morning at work, someone was like...are you ok? And they said something about my eyes looking tired. I hadn't realized my cry fest would still show after sleeping even. And my eyes burn. I guess I already mentioned something to that effect.

Someone else bought me M & M's, so they must think I don't look so good either.

I just can't keep crying every day about one thing or the other. My face shows it too easily.

The talker is in rare form. Butting in when not even being talked to. Following people around. She's not even HERE on Halloween, yet she wants to be a judge of the costume contest. I was like...but you won't be here. She says she could come in for a few hours.

WTH?? We could use her to work if she's gonna come in anyhow. She's just too stupid for me sometimes. I have no patience today.

My sisters are making me happier. Aspen is, well....Aspen is having a hard time. I hadn't been reading her blog. Somehow I didn't subscribe to it yet? And I don't know what to tell her. =(

That doesn't make me happier. But they keep saying they are gonna come visit in March, and I believe them more than I believe my mother when she would say that.

I saw from a comment that they are trying to convince my mother to come with. trying to convince??

That's just sad. They have to CONVINCE my mother to visit me. My pride wants to say fuck it, don't convince her. All I really need is my sisters. But I realize that I should see her. It's only been 8 years. That's not long at all, right?

I haven't had any family, nor family support in 8 years. Why does it matter now?

I don't know. Perhaps it's reconnecting through MySpace.

All last week, I was sad about my mom. My sister had so much to say. I HAD thought she was "better", that maybe she was being the mom I remember her being sometimes. The one you could talk to and she'd listen. The one who had time. The one who wasn't always escaping. Not so.

I had hoped Misty didn't have to "raise" Mary Ann, but it sounds like she did, just as I "raised" Michael.
Which saddens me as well, cause it's not like he remembers me. He's 15 this month. Last week. I wasn't sure if I should call, cause what if he was like..who? Why are you calling me?

It's like watching a train wreck and not being able to stop it. Knowing it's going to be SO BAD, but not being close enough to do anything about it.

I'm afraid she's gonna kill herself. Not truly suicide, but it might as well be. Just doing stupid crap that could get her killed. I don't know why I'm so worried, as my sister said, she is 47, she doesn't NEED a babysitter.

So apparently, this week I didn't get enough of the sadness from last week and wondering and worrying about my mother and my brain decided to throw gorgeous bodies at me. Perhaps it was partly due to Sin City. Those girls were gorgeous and thin and perfect. And most of them were half naked, so that might make sense.

I don't know what brought on the pity. I only know that I don't want to feel that way anymore. I just don't know where to start. The ONLY time I ever had any luck losing weight, I worked out EVERY DAMN DAY and I walked a bunch, cause Derek's day care was kind of far. I didn't watch what I ate that whole summer, though I ate a lot of bagels, cause I was always on the run.

I lost close to 30 pounds.

Then Fall Term started and I didn't care about working out anymore. I gained everything back, plus some.

I don't see myself having the time, nor the money to work out at a gym everyday.

Unless I worked out after Derek went to bed, and walked down to Gold's gym. I've heard you shouldn't do that, that you won't be able to sleep well, if your adrenaline is up.

In the mornings, after dropping him off, I usually have 40 minutes or so until I have to catch a bus. That's not enough time. And I have an hour lunch. I don't see being able to get to the gym on campus and work out and shower and be back, all in a lunch hour.

I don't want to spend MORE time away from home, but if I had too, the only time I got is after Derek goes to bed. Sometimes we haven't even had dinner by then, and I don't really like the idea of walking down to the gym at night, in the dark. But that is the time where I screw off on the computer, and Ben just watches TV anyhow. So it's not like I'd be detracting from time spent with him. I don't really count that.

He doesn't usually have much to say, so we don't spend a lot of time talking or anything. I spew about my day and he listens (kind of, I've told him things and then later he's like...why didn't you tell me? O_o) and then we turn on the TV.

Anyhow. This is just turning into a long gripe fest, where I resolve nothing, cause I can't figure out how to make working out, work out. (that's kind of funny)

Anybody know how I can work it? Without having equipment at home, and having a job where sometimes I work until 7, and don't get home until 8, and sometimes I work until 6, and sometimes I work until 4:30.

Either way it takes me an hour to get home. =(

And I don't work early often enough to be able to get my work out in then.

I'm just going around in circles now, so I'm going to stop. My head is starting to hurt worse. =(