Random Thoughts

Trying to explain a shitty life, shitty parents, teenage hormones on top of it all, to someone who’s always had “normal” (whatever the hell that is) parents. It’s pretty much impossible. As Michael pointed out, they have no point of reference. This thing with Ben’s kid is heartbreaking to me. I remember being 15, thinking no one wanted or cared about me, a mother who was too drunk/wasted on drugs to care. I remember wishing things were different, listening to mom and Mike fight when they were drunk as I tried to be the adult for my sisters and shield them from it, running away when it all became too fucking much for me to handle. The catalyst to my running away wasn’t even Mike in the beginning or at least that wasn’t my main concern. I’d figured out how to deflect him and use his attention for my own purposes. If I wanted something, I’d be nice and if I didn’t need anything, I’d be a fucking bitch to him so he wouldn’t want to be near me. Sadly, I think that’s something I still use to...

One day off always throws me. It’s funny; it was the perfect weekend, even in its smallness. Gave me less time to get upset or over think anything. Friday night we cooked dinner together, Saturday was a road trip to Portland to drop off the kid and visit with my lovelies…. Saturday night was a movie and getting ready for the work week. So…I blocked this site a long time ago to anyone but people who I want to read it. For fear of sisters finding my dark nightmarish past….I don’t want anyone to accidentally learn about such things. But a part of me is sad that I can’t be as open anymore. I guess that’s what I get for sharing. I should’ve kept it all story format or something. Like…once upon a time and not…these are the true happenings of my life. I’d like to share with the world, but how to cut out a certain part of it for fear of hurting it? Can I just block Wyoming? Hahaha. It just makes me sad that something I started so many years ago has gone the way of so much else…and as I keep ad...

Grandpa’s birthday was St. Patrick’s Day. That’s how I remembered it so easily in a month filled with familial birthdays. My step father’s birthday was the 13th. I hate remembering that. But I do. This last weekend went by pretty uneventfully. Had myself a full on tantrum Friday night, even posted on twitter and sent messages directly to Ben ranting. Did I have a good reason? No, not really. It centered around food and I’d had too much to drink to be reasonable so instead I was an asshole. Woke up in the morning, feeling mortified at how angry I’d become. That’s me for you…throw food into the mix and if it’s not what I wanted I will either pout or rant. I need to stock up on snacks specifically for me I guess. So…I did something I’m not proud of. Ben was still sleeping, I saw that the messages I had sent didn’t say “read” so I deleted them from his iPod. Ha! He’d already read them but had chosen not to respond which was probably a good idea…of course later he was like…did you delete th...

I've been thinking a lot lately and while that usually means Ben bears the brunt of my crazy..well..I've had other things on my mind. Not that he doesn't get the brunt of my random bouts of crazy....it still happens. I'm tired of death, I suppose everyone who's had to deal with it at all is. Christmas makes things harder....I kept wishing for a phone call that would never come. Dad would always call on my birthday and on Christmas. While we didn't have a lot of contact besides that, those were set in stone. So yeah, this particular Christmas was hard. I think I was still numb last year and he still "saved" my Christmas since my step mom sent that $500 check. He'd saved Christmas so many times...this one I knew I was on my own and it's been depressing. They say money doesn't solve everything, but it certainly helps. I stress less, I know that. The talker was like..well, Christmas is also about family and I shut her down pretty quickly with ...

So much to say. To the whole two people who read this. Hell, the only two people I allow to read this. Maybe not true. But I just need to write. Moving – I moved. Moving sucked. Dealing with the crazy ex landlord long after we moved SUCKS more. But my new house is kick ass. I loves it. I love my neighbor. It’s been a damn long time since I like anyone I lived next to this much. Plus, I’m close to a lot of things now. The old landlord has charged me way over my deposit. I counter offered. No response. So crazy. Also! I have a new neighbor who is also awesome and while sometimes I may feel a little left out cause her and Jenni are so close the only thing I can do about that is get to know her better. She’s a honey badger. Honey badger’s don’t give a damn. Death – It’s been over a year since Dad died. Last month he would have been 57. I hate that sentence. It screams UNFAIR to me. I miss him even though I didn’t see him much at all. Indeed not at all since just before I turned 13. My mom ...

A song set me off. Of course it did. What's the fucking point? When people die completely randomly like Charles with the leukemia for no fucking reason, or my dad falling and ending up brain dead... WTF? I suppose I should be thankful...but I'm just fucking pessimistic. Now my "mom" at work is in and out of the fucking hospital for some problems with her liver. A woman who is so healthy..and I just don't fucking get it. There doesn't seem to be an answer for her and it's been a month. 2 surgeries and another one a few days ago (and I haven't heard from her since...no need to tell you how fucking freaked out I am) and when I saw her last Tuesday she told me that during the first surgery, they "nicked" something. Had to get her out of surgery fast. It didn't hit me until later that night what she'd meant. She could have died on the motherfucking operating table. A place that was supposed to save her. Yes...I KNOW. Risks are ALWAYS invol...

My dad died. Everyone knows it by now. I've been dealing with it. Crying over it at weird times. Thinking, oh, maybe he's watching over me and then getting squicked out at the thought. I didn't have sex for days, wondering if my dad really could see me. Sorry if you can Dad. I kind of hope you can't. Completely random. This was not the death I expected first out of both parents. Goes to show you can't "expect" much huh? Life is random. I don't write about my dad much here because to be honest, he wasn't a huge part of my life. Maybe my memories, but I haven't seen the man since I was almost 13, right around Derek's age now. Our contact had been more in these later years, but still only awkward phone calls. Calls that I generally dreaded as I was unsure what to talk about so I'd fall back on my favorite and easiest subject, Derek. Children, the great equalizer. I've used child stories to my advantage before, because other parents rel...

Oh for the love of god, when did blogs become so fucking popular? I seem to remember a time when mine was the only blog that was unfunny. Grr. Oh guess what? I have a whole blog on my dad coming. I'm going to cry, but at least it'll only be on my own keyboard! YAY ME. Heather is saving me from myself and getting me out of the house on Sunday. Sure, I already have to leave at the butt crack of dawn Saturday, and I get to HANG OUT WITH JAKE during the whole football game. YAY. So, I'm getting out into the real world, like it or not. Dead parent or not. I appreciate all the thoughts and wishes, cliched or not. Shit, what does one say to the bereaved (such a shitty word?)...I don't know, and yet I find myself part of this awful club. Anyhow. Life sucks, I'm getting on with it, much like any other sucky thing in my life. A blog post will follow, much like other sucky situations. Not the least of which will express why I've teetered between depression and clear out de...

Guess what guys? MY MOM CAME TO VISIT ME. I was horrified. Totally sure that I was going to give away how much I abhor her, how much I judge her...none of which ever goes well. To be completely fair, does anyone take unwanted criticism well? To be completely unfair, NOTHING IS EVER MY MOTHER'S FAULT. It is all the world around her. I shouldn't have been worried. I was eager to please, like I've always been. Most of the 40 or so minutes she spent in my house I spent trying to be funny and looking over at Derek when I was unsure what else to do. To the point where he was like...WHY DO YOU KEEP LOOKING AT ME? Maybe one day he'll make a blog post about how WEIRD his mom was just staring at him. I've placed a lot of my anger on my mother for ignoring me, and then ignoring my son. Or what I felt was ignoring...as I've gotten older I realized it was probably better that she wasn't around to fuck me up more. Or him for that matter. To his credit, he was amiable. ...

Today sucked and then I came home. Where I was assaulted at every turn with the shopping trip FAIL I pulled off Friday. We overspent already, but some how we managed to neglect some kind of important things. Then I noticed that we are already almost out of fucking cereal because I am an asshole who bought Crispix. Which everyone fucking loves so why did I think it would last two weeks? The snacks that Derek makes a big deal about are almost gone too and I'm pissed. Now he'll tell everyone how he NEVER has snacks and really between him and Ben they just eat them ALL. The cereal only lasted this long because I have been skipping breakfast. Those assholes who say that people who eat breakfast generally weigh less are fucking liars. I've cut back calorie consumption and I'm not somehow "starving" when the cereal inevitably sends me to carb crashdown. So now I'm sitting here worrying about snacks and fucking cereal and all I can think is that if I'd spent l...

I've been seeing people taking the "how long would you survive" test. I'm pretty sure I'd be first. That last time I had a zombie dream I held off the zombie by pushing him away using his head. Like an annoying little brother or sister. Pretty ineffectual, I'm thinking. Spiders are obviously less scary than zombies would be, which is why it's troublesome that I can't always kill the spider. Some days I'm fine and can kill it (and feel OH SO VICTORIOUS), mostly when Ben is asleep and I scare one in the bathroom. Today though... I was washing my hands when I noticed a VERY LARGE brown thing peeking out from behind the mouth rinse bottle. One leg half angled onto my razor. Not an easy spot to try and kill a spider. So I tried to convince myself that there was no way that huge thing was a spider. It was probably dust or something. I looked a little closer and saw it glaring malevolently staring at me. (ok...so maybe it wasn't looking at me but giv...

But I don't suck as bad as my old journal. Filled with worries, stupid boys, dumb thoughts. Oh man. I was a dumb ass teenager. The next boy I set my sights on was no more worthy than many of the ones before him. His name was Caleb and he had bug eyes, but for some reason (confidence, I think?) I was drawn to him. I will say that I met Joi through him long before we did anything, so at least I got Joi out of it. =) He was full of himself. And I was willing to believe he was all that. I slept with him one night after watching "Dusk Till Dawn" at the Bijou. I was currently nursing quite a few crushes. I'd spent the night with him prior, but only cuddling, no sleeping together. It seemed like every time I started to realize what an asshole he really was, he'd do something nice or make me think he was cooler than he was. One night he took me out to a movie, "Fear" and I was impressed that he'd asked me. Turns out that the tickets were free and no one else...

I took so long to get back to this, but since the child is here and I can't watch my horror movies or porn now is as good a time as any. I ran away from home. I ended up gravitating towards campus after Heather introduced me to Julie and I realized that campus rarely sleeps. All the better for my running away endeavors. Not sleeping meant not having to find the place to sleep. I developed about 3 crushes simultaneously and ALL of them had crushes on Julie. I started to like her a little less, because I am a mere girl and unable to deal with girls who rock so much more than me. At least in direct competition. I met Joi somehow. Joi with an I as she always said. People thought she was a slut, but I loved her. Maybe she was a slut, but what the fuck did it really matter? She wasn't hurting anyone. One night after she was done working (she washed dishes at the Glenwood and often didn't get off work until 2 or 3 in the morning) she suggested we head out to the hot springs. I was...

See, I've already forgotten things...this is why I'm chronicling this now. Hell, before I know it, I could forget NAMES. I started a new crush, this became a habit with me..seemed like one crush a year at least. Why? Dunno. Did I know better? Certainly, but I couldn't seem to stop making excuses for every FUCKED up thing I saw that they did to their girl friends. Well, I would think, they wouldn't do that TO ME..I would be the best girlfriend if given the chance..blah, blah, blah. Short story? I seem to crush on the unobtainable....much like anyone else. I started to hang out with other people in high school and was instantly drawn to a boy who was completely emo. Eye liner (sometimes) and the attitude to go with it. Very "woe is me" in general. I didn't realize this until lately, but he's pretty much ALWAYS been woe is me. Just another step on my rung to wannabe vampire boyfriend. I seem to be attracted to the fucking drama. I spent many a time flirti...

Yes, I was just RANDOMLY rubbing ice against my nipple. I think it was the horror movie. Made me think of boobies.

See, I was going to start with this guy. I would have missed out on 4 whole guys and at the beginning all I really remembered was about David and Rogers and middle school..I'd almost forgotten about Jason. Oh..lol! He showed up during Christmas of Freshman year out of nowhere and was like.."Be my girlfriend?!" and I was like..no. So I hid in the bathroom with the door locked until my little sister Misty told me he had really left and wasn't just faking leaving so I would come out. The answer was obviously no, but I was not good at no so hiding in the bathroom (avoidance) seemed an equally good idea. Ok, end of Jason. Freshman year I went back to school and re crushed on the same guy from middle school. Wes. Way cooler than me, but he seemed to like me at least a little. Part of this story makes me want to SCREAM at High School me. WTF me? This was REALLY CRAZY, even by my standards. It started with phone calls. Outside of school he was really attentive and listened to...

After moving here to Oregon, we moved around a lot. Didn't give me a whole lot of time to develop crazy crushes on boys. I started to get one halfway through my 8th grade year, but it was pretty obvious he didn't have any idea that I existed. So off I went on summer vacation where we spent many days at Monroe Park. They had free lunch and my mom could get all of us kids out of the house. I was, of course, the babysitter and spent at least part of most of these days trying to explain to my little brother that catching bees in his leftover food cups was a bad idea. I don't know how many times he was stung that summer. Luckily, he did not appear to be allergic. I accidentally stepped on one and my foot swelled up to the size of a baseball. To this day, that is the ONLY bee I've ever been stung by. One of these days, I met a boy who was also bringing his siblings along and we decided we were "going out"..which meant a tiny bit of hand holding. It didn't take m...

Right? I was going to start at the first guy I had sex with, but my insecurity, boy problems, and general relationship craziness starts before that. I may; however, roll the first two boys into one story. They are semi-related. I was always boy crazy. My mom would tease me about it to no end. In middle school, I liked this guy David. David lived in the same apartments and we had some of the same friends. I don't know why I decided he was crush worthy, just a tiny blond boy but I did like him. And he seemed to like me too. We made plans to attend a dance together. Which I didn't go to in the end. I got myself so worked up that I was quite determined he was going to stand me up. Trust issues much? Instead I stood him up. He showed..my friend Michelle went and reported back. She told him that I was REALLY sick and maybe even embellished more about how sick. Did he believe her? I don't know..we didn't hang out much after that. Cut to a few months later and his cousin asks m...

Every time I've come to this blog lately, all I've done is rant. Then put the post back into draft mode the next day. I'm not prepared to rant that much. Plus who wants to read something where all I am doing is bitching? So I got an idea from a friend, someone who has taken to writing down her relationships..and what greater time than the present? For one, I'll remember or at least be able to go back and read about it when I lost details. For two, it will provide a good amount of content and shouldn't be completely ranting. Some posts will no doubt be rantier than others, but they can't all be full on rants. For three, shit...I don't have a third reason, but at least it will keep me from posting about Ben, Magic, and how I'm certain we won't make it forever. Like this week? I'm pretty sure he doesn't find me attractive. Has he said this? Has there REALLY been a reason why I should think this? No..but after accidentally finding his stash of po...

EDIT: After much consideration, I've decided to make this blog a bit more private...see I can't be sure my sisters won't see this and I don't want to ruin their lives more than our mom did. ___________________________________________ I can't even make up my mind. Was catching up on LJ today and it's made me more sad than bitchy. I think I might prefer sad to bitchy. When I'm bitchy I KNOW it's not helping but I can't seem to fucking stop. When I'm sad, well..shit I'm sad. I'll get over it. My mom has always been...well, an ostrich. Pretend there is not a problem and MAYBE there won't be. I'll admit I've followed this route on a few occasions, but NEVER to the extent that she did and STILL does. Before my sister came to visit, I thought that maybe I'd exaggerated how bad it really fucking was. I'm at least HALFWAY normal and capable, maybe my brain had made it worse than it was. It's not something I talk about frequ...