Meh...
A song set me off. Of course it did.
What's the fucking point? When people die completely randomly like Charles with the leukemia for no fucking reason, or my dad falling and ending up brain dead...
WTF?
I suppose I should be thankful...but I'm just fucking pessimistic.
Now my "mom" at work is in and out of the fucking hospital for some problems with her liver. A woman who is so healthy..and I just don't fucking get it.
There doesn't seem to be an answer for her and it's been a month. 2 surgeries and another one a few days ago (and I haven't heard from her since...no need to tell you how fucking freaked out I am) and when I saw her last Tuesday she told me that during the first surgery, they "nicked" something. Had to get her out of surgery fast.
It didn't hit me until later that night what she'd meant. She could have died on the motherfucking operating table. A place that was supposed to save her.
Yes...I KNOW. Risks are ALWAYS involved during surgery, but how fucking messed up does this year need to be?
Hold on Kathy. Don't fucking die this year too. Or I'm gonna quit life and hide under my fucking blankets.
I just don't get it...is life trying to tell me something?
And people ask why I don't believe in god. Never mind the child molesters or rapists or fucking murderers...now we have random acts of...what? God? Is THIS god?
Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe I'm getting sick, but it all seems so fucking pointless now. I just want a TINY bit of fairness.
Please let Kathy get better. Please let her not have any more problems. Please...fucking let something good happen from the hospital this year.
I'm not stupid, at least part of my attitude is because at this time last year, everyone was thinking that Charles was taking a turn for the better and it was all going to be fine..obviously..he wasn't even 30, he should have been fine.
I suppose it's all just bad fucking luck that it all happened this year.
Whatever...I need to stop dwelling, crying just gives me a headache, but for the end I'd like to just yell out FUCK THIS SHIT. All I want for Christmas is something motherfucking reason to life. Some fairness for the awesome people who don't deserve this. While I know none of them would wish this on me, I can't help but think I'm not really as cool as any of them, as understanding, as helpful, as friendly..and yet I go on living every fucking day.
I should be happy...but I'd give my life to have Dad or Charles back. And I know that my dad would wish no such thing...but...goddamn.
Meh. Fuck it all.
What's the fucking point? When people die completely randomly like Charles with the leukemia for no fucking reason, or my dad falling and ending up brain dead...
WTF?
I suppose I should be thankful...but I'm just fucking pessimistic.
Now my "mom" at work is in and out of the fucking hospital for some problems with her liver. A woman who is so healthy..and I just don't fucking get it.
There doesn't seem to be an answer for her and it's been a month. 2 surgeries and another one a few days ago (and I haven't heard from her since...no need to tell you how fucking freaked out I am) and when I saw her last Tuesday she told me that during the first surgery, they "nicked" something. Had to get her out of surgery fast.
It didn't hit me until later that night what she'd meant. She could have died on the motherfucking operating table. A place that was supposed to save her.
Yes...I KNOW. Risks are ALWAYS involved during surgery, but how fucking messed up does this year need to be?
Hold on Kathy. Don't fucking die this year too. Or I'm gonna quit life and hide under my fucking blankets.
I just don't get it...is life trying to tell me something?
And people ask why I don't believe in god. Never mind the child molesters or rapists or fucking murderers...now we have random acts of...what? God? Is THIS god?
Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe I'm getting sick, but it all seems so fucking pointless now. I just want a TINY bit of fairness.
Please let Kathy get better. Please let her not have any more problems. Please...fucking let something good happen from the hospital this year.
I'm not stupid, at least part of my attitude is because at this time last year, everyone was thinking that Charles was taking a turn for the better and it was all going to be fine..obviously..he wasn't even 30, he should have been fine.
I suppose it's all just bad fucking luck that it all happened this year.
Whatever...I need to stop dwelling, crying just gives me a headache, but for the end I'd like to just yell out FUCK THIS SHIT. All I want for Christmas is something motherfucking reason to life. Some fairness for the awesome people who don't deserve this. While I know none of them would wish this on me, I can't help but think I'm not really as cool as any of them, as understanding, as helpful, as friendly..and yet I go on living every fucking day.
I should be happy...but I'd give my life to have Dad or Charles back. And I know that my dad would wish no such thing...but...goddamn.
Meh. Fuck it all.
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