An interesting conundrum.
Trying to explain a shitty life, shitty parents, teenage hormones on top of it all, to someone who’s always had “normal” (whatever the hell that is) parents. It’s pretty much impossible. As Michael pointed out, they have no point of reference. This thing with Ben’s kid is heartbreaking to me. I remember being 15, thinking no one wanted or cared about me, a mother who was too drunk/wasted on drugs to care. I remember wishing things were different, listening to mom and Mike fight when they were drunk as I tried to be the adult for my sisters and shield them from it, running away when it all became too fucking much for me to handle. The catalyst to my running away wasn’t even Mike in the beginning or at least that wasn’t my main concern. I’d figured out how to deflect him and use his attention for my own purposes. If I wanted something, I’d be nice and if I didn’t need anything, I’d be a fucking bitch to him so he wouldn’t want to be near me. Sadly, I think that’s something I still use today…when I’m pissed at Ben I’ll just be a raging asshole or not talk at all. That’s my way. Until I can be calm and rational enough to say something about it without crying. No the end of my life at home began with a report card showing how much I was skipping school and my mother (at her wits end) telling me she was going to home school me. The thought of being at home 24/7 with them…who tried to pit me against the other when they were fighting, who wouldn’t let me have ANY freedom…well, I snapped. I called my mom that day to see if I could stay the night at Heather’s house. The answer was “I got your report card and you better come home right now”…so I, of course, went straight to Heather’s house where my mother didn’t have the phone number somehow. I knew so many Heathers that it took her a whole night to track me down. I stayed at Heather’s after we lied about it being ok. We went to the park to see the boys play with boffers and were still there when Heather’s mom showed up unexpectedly. She had received a call from my mother (who’d finally gotten Heather’s phone number from Wes after calling every friend she could think of-I was SO pissed at him for a long time.) saying that my mom would turn her in for harboring a minor if she didn’t bring me home. Which she can’t, but I didn’t know that. Instead I saved Heather’s ass as best as I could and told Heather’s mom that I had lied about my mom saying it was ok, leaving her complicity out of it. I was taken home.
I tried again shortly afterwards, probably the next weekend, without having any support system I didn’t know where to go..Heather knew Julie, who knew about the teenage shelter. Station 7. Thank god for them. Looking glass was my savior in so many ways for so long.
I’m getting way off topic here. Surprise, surprise.
Anyhow. Trying to explain to Ben how if I could, I’d take in every sad kid I could get my hands on didn’t seem to make much of an impression. I’m not sure he “got” it and why would he? It’s no different than my not wanting Derek to really know how bad life can be. At least not yet. Trying to explain how if I had the money available to me, I’d be more than willing to take on his kid. Probably..that’s the part that gets me so confused. Because my first and foremost? My own kid. He leads a sheltered life and I don’t really want him to know about things that can be so bad. And how could she help but talk about it? I talked about it when I thought people would listen. Not Mike or anything…that took me a long time to talk about at all and I never talked about it with my counselor. I just blamed everything on mom doing drugs and making me raise Michael.
When I was younger, I thought I might want to be a psychiatrist so I could try and help these sad kids, but then I realized that I didn’t have the patience for that much school and I wasn’t sure I had the patience to listen to people that much. Plus..all the sadness…I’m empathetic. I can’t count the number of times I’ve gotten so worked up for my friends that I cry on their behalf. It happens. I used to think I was just a baby who couldn’t control her feelings, now I relish the fact that often I can pick up on things without needing to be told in explicit terms what’s going on.
In the long run, I don’t know if I made any difference or impact on Ben’s thoughts…or if I just came off as an asshole. I hope he knows I’m not trying to judge him, I’m only trying to get him to see it from her point of view. I’m also really glad that his mom knows about Angelica and knows the people she is staying with. All of this means that if shit hits the fan, I know she’d be there to help her out, even if Ben can’t/won’t. Plus she must not be too worried about her, since she knows the people Angelica is staying with and hasn’t stepped in yet. I still feel like I should…I don’t even know. Tell her that I’m not the reason Ben hasn’t done anything? What purpose would that serve? It would make me feel better to know she doesn’t think I’m a bitch but then she’ll just judge Ben more harshly. *sigh*
Life is freaking complicated. At least I can stop beating a dead horse now. It’s largely out of my hands, my being sad about her life won’t help her in any way. I’m hoping her life isn’t as bad..or wasn’t as bad, but when your mom is cracked out on meth, they likely don’t choose the best company, and who knows what could happen to a kid while you’re not paying attention. Before all this, I lived in a fantasy world that perhaps all was fine for her. I didn’t know about the drugs and while Ben said her mom was crazy, I could hope she was less crazy after having a kid…it helped me become less crazy. You just never know which way people will go with it.
I tried again shortly afterwards, probably the next weekend, without having any support system I didn’t know where to go..Heather knew Julie, who knew about the teenage shelter. Station 7. Thank god for them. Looking glass was my savior in so many ways for so long.
I’m getting way off topic here. Surprise, surprise.
Anyhow. Trying to explain to Ben how if I could, I’d take in every sad kid I could get my hands on didn’t seem to make much of an impression. I’m not sure he “got” it and why would he? It’s no different than my not wanting Derek to really know how bad life can be. At least not yet. Trying to explain how if I had the money available to me, I’d be more than willing to take on his kid. Probably..that’s the part that gets me so confused. Because my first and foremost? My own kid. He leads a sheltered life and I don’t really want him to know about things that can be so bad. And how could she help but talk about it? I talked about it when I thought people would listen. Not Mike or anything…that took me a long time to talk about at all and I never talked about it with my counselor. I just blamed everything on mom doing drugs and making me raise Michael.
When I was younger, I thought I might want to be a psychiatrist so I could try and help these sad kids, but then I realized that I didn’t have the patience for that much school and I wasn’t sure I had the patience to listen to people that much. Plus..all the sadness…I’m empathetic. I can’t count the number of times I’ve gotten so worked up for my friends that I cry on their behalf. It happens. I used to think I was just a baby who couldn’t control her feelings, now I relish the fact that often I can pick up on things without needing to be told in explicit terms what’s going on.
In the long run, I don’t know if I made any difference or impact on Ben’s thoughts…or if I just came off as an asshole. I hope he knows I’m not trying to judge him, I’m only trying to get him to see it from her point of view. I’m also really glad that his mom knows about Angelica and knows the people she is staying with. All of this means that if shit hits the fan, I know she’d be there to help her out, even if Ben can’t/won’t. Plus she must not be too worried about her, since she knows the people Angelica is staying with and hasn’t stepped in yet. I still feel like I should…I don’t even know. Tell her that I’m not the reason Ben hasn’t done anything? What purpose would that serve? It would make me feel better to know she doesn’t think I’m a bitch but then she’ll just judge Ben more harshly. *sigh*
Life is freaking complicated. At least I can stop beating a dead horse now. It’s largely out of my hands, my being sad about her life won’t help her in any way. I’m hoping her life isn’t as bad..or wasn’t as bad, but when your mom is cracked out on meth, they likely don’t choose the best company, and who knows what could happen to a kid while you’re not paying attention. Before all this, I lived in a fantasy world that perhaps all was fine for her. I didn’t know about the drugs and while Ben said her mom was crazy, I could hope she was less crazy after having a kid…it helped me become less crazy. You just never know which way people will go with it.
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