Random Thoughts

You are not getting a real post. This is only to assure anyone I am alive. Today, when I woke up for the second time? I had fucking chickens in my front yard. That really says everything about my life right now. It's fucking weird. Chickens! Last week a squirrel came in the open front door of the bookstore and ran all the way back into the Accounting filing room. Luckily, someone had come in looking for it and so I was not (terribly) surprised, nor did I piss myself, when it JUMPED onto the copier. It was crazy and running around like a, well like a squirrel, and came within a foot of me running over somewhere else. It's terribly sad how exciting this was in my mundane work life. But I mean! Animals! Everywhere. What the hell is happening?

I'm so freaking bored. Now mind you, there are things I could and should be doing, but today, TODAY! I did a check run AND the never ending, fucking difficult, completely thankless job of scheduling everyone. I've been glaring at it, and anyone in the general proximity of me, all week long. I'm pretty sure they are sick of it. I'm fucking sick of it. I hate the fucking schedule. I LIKE excel, I LIKE formatting it to be pretty, I even LIKE the way it figures things out on it's own. I can't explain the ridiculous functions put into place to make my schedule work, but I don't have to. Someone else made it and if I need to add, I merely copy and paste. It's hardly rocket science. What I don't like (like usual) is the people. I don't like scheduling 18 people. It would seem like it would be easy, but only....about 9 of those are full time people, and 3 of those are people who are higher up and don't get scheduled for back up as much. 3 others hav...

I've become VERY pre-occupied with wondering what people think of me. I know, this is not something new. I've always been worried what people think of me. But it's a different kind of worry all of the sudden. I've become intensely aware of the way I sound, the way I act when I'm having a bad day. Now I wonder if people think I'm mean or stuck up? I know for a fact that Jesse thought I was stuck up in high school. I was just terrified, but even then I knew that you just pretended like you knew what you were doing, and made friends with as many people as possible. Apparently, Jesse never crossed my radar as someone to be friends with for at least a couple of years. I think we even went to the same middle school and I have no memory of him. Instead of recognizing a fellow dork, geek, nerd, any other number of names people could have called me, he thought I was too stuck up. When he told me that, I was flabbergasted. I didn't MEAN to come across that way. Now w...

So many things run through my head throughout the day and I never know what to make of them until I can actually write something down. And then they are gone. Like the wind. Pisses me off. Let's see, things to talk about.... Me, of course. I realized even before I got home from vacation how much I really love, adore, trust Ben. We don't say it back and forth all the time. I told him when we first got involved that I thought "I love you" was thrown around rather too easily. read: I'd fallen for it too many times. Love is not words, love is actions. Somehow that doesn't look like proper grammar, but whatever. And you can't love someone that you don't trust, at least in my life. I don't think I realized how much trust I had in him until I went away for a whole weekend. It's one thing for my kid to be in his care while I'm at work, entirely another for it to be so long. We aren't married, and sometimes I glitch on that. I would like a big...

I've uploaded all the best pictures from the trip this weekend. I've even captioned them all, but I just don't think I'm gonna sit here and link them all here and write along with that about how great it was. I will later. Just not right now. Maybe not even later tonight. I don't know yet. For now, if you want pictures, they're all on my photobucket account. I got a lot of pictures, I could have gotten a lot more. I just forgot at some points. Like I didn't get a picture of the bar where we went for karaoke. I have memories of it at least. =) Pictures! I hope everyone else's mothers day went well. I got to see a bunch of cheese and my son was SO happy to see me when I got home. It was super sweet. =)

I'm going out of town tomorrow, over to the ocean! I love the ocean. I'm even staying overnight, which has me excited, but nervous for some reason. My kid has been away from me for long periods of time, and overnight at friends' house. Maybe it's that I'm leaving him with Ben and I'm worried that I'm asking too much? I don't even know. Maybe I'm just nervous to be so far away. Even when Derek is in Portland, that's only a couple hours away. I have to get clothes ready still. I'm not sure what all I should bring. Shorts, and maybe pants? The weather might be very cold over there. Won't matter, I'm going to go in the ocean, so maybe shorts on the way up or something. I don't even know what to expect besides fun, hopefully lots of fun. Maybe that's my problem. I'm being too much of a control freak and I can't plan everything. I'm so damn rigid sometimes. I bought a new memory card for my camera, so there will be room ...

It's been a rather weird week for me. I worked Sunday, so I'm off today, and that makes the week go by faster, but still. People have been in the shittiest moods, and I try and dodge them, but it doesn't always work, so then I just get aggravated. I've avoided saying anything about this, but stupid whiny girl's last day is TODAY. Yesterday was the last day I EVER HAD TO DEAL WITH HER. I say that I've been avoiding talking about it, cause 3 weeks ago she gave her two week notice and then all of the sudden that turned into, oh, I can stay another week. I was waiting for her to stay another damn week, but so far it sounds like she is REALLY LEAVING THIS TIME. I know that it'll probably just end up getting me some other co-worker who I don't particularly like. It would seem that I always have to have someone that I don't like. So, anyhow. That's really upped my day. Also, some other little things. I ran for the door and MADE it, just barely. And I g...

I actually posted something to Myspace that I didn't post here! I know, it's like I'm cheating on my blog. I got new shoes, cause my old ones sucked, right? Then we walked all over the place. Over to Willamalane to drop the kid off, over to the liquor store to stock up on Margarita mix (the tequila's in it, y'all!) for Candace's impending visit, hit up Dutch Bros for coffee (YUM), walked back home, was lazy as hell (should have been cleaning, instead obsessively playing the game (I have the high score on Ben and I's "team" scores)), headed back out to Willamalane to pick up the kid, then walked home. Finally I cleaned some, but not before they got there. I suck sometimes. Sunday I wore the shoes to work. I got to work and realized that even with band aids on the back of my ankle, my ankles still hurt. So what did I do? I bought some $4.00 flip flops so that I would not have to wear the "shoes of doom". That's what I'm calling th...

I may be wrong, but I like to think that I have a pretty good disposition. That I can find something funny in everything. So why is it that when I have a bad day, it often stretches into a bad week? Is it because my attitude gets progressively worse? Is it because that first day ruined my (somewhat) cheery disposition? I don't even know why. But yesterday was the SUCKIEST day ever. Check run, so things went fast, as usual. That's not the problem. The consignments that I weren't told about? They sucked. I fixed one after another Wednesday. I did everything like I always do, so most of it wasn't my fault. Then I realized that I missed a couple of invoices. One whole folder in my consignment stuff. What I don't understand is that it looks like I processed it. I wrote the right amount down, I was SURE I made copies. But they are gone. Not on my desk at all. These aren't consignments that get paid every time, so I guess it would be easy not to think about it. And it ...

I've avoided talking about this all week. My weight went up. That five pounds I lost last time? Gained that back, plus another pound. And it's fine to be happy with your body and all that, and I'm really trying not to obsess over a number, but this could affect my health. They went on and on about how my specific birth control can make you gain weight, can make you feel hungry when you're not, or that Depo puts on two pounds every year that you CAN'T LOSE. Which is bullshit. I mean, I already eat when I'm not necessarily hungry, obviously. But how can they track that? How can they say that it's definitely the birth control's fault? In August when I went in, I expressed my concern over my seeming senility and how I'd managed to forget to take the pill a little to often for my liking. They seemed to think that Depo was the way to go, even though I kept asking about an IUD. She didn't like that idea apparently. And I didn't care, as long as some...

Today has been a VERY frustrating day. Derek argued with me this morning, and then TOLD me what he was going to do. And I told him what he was going to do. Luckily, there is a birthday party on Saturday, so I was like...fine, then you AREN'T GOING. Don't tell me what you are or aren't doing. Not unless I ask. He was rather grumpy about it, but I won. That's for sure. Until I get some call from the school, cause he's too pissed off and can't shake it off. I tried to get an online credit report, but the information I gave says I don't know my own damn information. WHICH I DO. WHATEVER. Ass. My phone was plugged in all night to charge up. Ben and I talked for 4 minutes and it died. It's the SUCKIEST PHONE EVER. Sorry Ariel. Apparently, we broke it. A battery is going to cost me close to $35, I'm estimating. I don't know what kind of phone it is, so I can't tell you for sure. A new phone could cost me as little as $100, if I was a NEW customer....

Or something like that. I got a LOT done this weekend. In between rounds of this new game that I love I've got 6100 points or so once. That's the best I've done. Bear with me here, cause this is going to get ramble-y. We did a TON of work on the yard. We have this plastic crap underneath the dirt that is supposed to help keep weeds down. HA! We let it go to long and not most of the has holes through it where the weeds came through. I always thought I wanted a yard, what I really wanted was a lawn. We got the grass down to manageable again. My gnomes will not be lost wanderers anymore! They can guard the rosebush with impunity. Until it grows again. I helped get the clippings in a bag, even though I'm playing Russian Roulette with my allergies. I WILL NOT TAKE THE MEDICINE UNTIL I HAVE TO. I got other things picked up, and I started pulling up the plastic crap. Over by a stump, in a little area where it was covered and not likely to have stepped on, was a garden snake. ...

Everyone reading this probably knows that I have very weird, and sometimes very bad dreams. People trying to kill me, aliens, people turning into lizards, and the end of the world have all played prominent parts of my dreams. Sometimes there is a bad guy and no one believes me. I also have an affinity for horror movies. Unfortunately, my love of horror tends to bleed over into dreams. I love them, and sometimes feel like I HAVE to watch one, almost like a "fix" for a junkie. I have a highly suggestible imagination. I read the Stand while pregnant and that's when I dreamed that Beavis and Butthead had eaten Cheetoes and turned into lizards. The end of the world was coming and I knew that, because the ants were dying on the sidewalk, and the ambulances were coming. Not just creepy, but really fucking strange dreams. A couple of weeks ago, I had a different kind of bad dream. No physical danger, just emotional. I'm not going to go into detail here, cause it's just t...

I was thinking about my Grandma recently. As you all know. So, I went on to MySpace and messaged my mom on April 11th to see if she has any pictures of Grandma. Anything I might be able to have to feel closer to her. My mom said that she had a conference to go to, but that she would look when she got back. Actually, what she said was, "Desi, Sure sweetie. I am really busy this weekend, going to Casper for a conference but I will do it as soon as I can. I love you and miss you big time! Mom" I wrote back on April 12th: "Thanks mom. I hope your conference goes (went?) well. I miss you all too. I looked into the Greyhound, but it would take me three days to get there. I don't know if I'm not looking at it right or what, but that just seems like so long. I don't think Derek would like being on the bus for 3 days, and then have to turn around and go back. =(" From Mom (on April 16th): "Desi, I will check into the bus for u too. It didn't take us that...

I have an appointment tomorrow. My regular, shot in the ass, birth control appointment. Hurray for birth control, really! But they are just not my favorite appointments. I go in, I wait for what feels like hours, then they WEIGH ME. Which is my least favorite part and they know it. They're always like...well, we don't have to weigh you and I'm like...no, it's better that I know how much I weigh occasionally. Last visit, I'd lost 5 lbs. This visit? I don't know. I'm kinda worried about it. I NEVER seem to notice when I'm gaining weight. My pants are always worn a little loose, and so they rarely end up being tight to give away my weight gain. I just never know until I am actually weighed. I haven't been drinking as much water as I should be. Today I came in and strapped on the feed bag, as Tara calls it. I ate a small bag of cheetoes, and then turned around and ate a whole grab bag of Munchos. I think I am addicted to them. I bought some Friday, and I...

I'm still being too angsty. I have a whole post waiting about how my own mother can't be bothered to send me some pictures of my Grandma. But I thought I should change things up, and really, I can be angsty whenever I want. I know that the subject matter here has been dark recently. The poison in my brain must come out somehow. And in all reality, no one really wants to hear about it in real life. I understand, it makes people uncomfortable. So I spew it here, and in real life, I suck it up and pretend that I'm normal. That nothing bad ever happened to me. And then people can choose to read it or not. You aren't subjected to me talking about it. Not that I NEVER talk about it in real life. I do, with certain people. People who I think can handle it. People who aren't just going to feel pity for me for the rest of my life. People who realize that it's all about choices. My life may have been hard at one point, but really? It's OVER NOW. My life is damn good n...

And I promise, I'm feeling better today. I've been angsty lately. I watched 3 CSI's and strangely enough, I feel good. Besides the headache that is keeping me home. And away from the computer after I post this. Cause it really got me thinking last night. Maybe that's why I have this headache. I overtaxed my brain. ---------------------- Everytime I spend any amount of time talking to certain people, I just want to blow my head off. I mean, why even try? Apparently, life is too hard. For example, the talker. Everything in her life is hard. These (not anyone reading this, I promise. You are all young, intelligent people who want the best for their kids and are doing your damnest to make it work.) people are older than me, and should be able to make life work, but every time I talk to them, I feel like it's just fucking hopeless. There is no point to anything. All that is gonna happen is that the man you had kids with isn't going to be with you in the end. They are...

"I don't know where this road is going to lead. All I know is where we've been, and what we've been through." I'm starting to get into my older CDs. All the ones from the 90's. With things like Boys II Men. Why are all my older songs so sad? Or angry as hell? Apparently, those were my only two emotions as a teenager. I wouldn't be a teenager again for any amount of money. I actually feel quite removed from all of it now, but it was like some alien took over my body. I liked too many boys. I was sure I LOVED them all. I was equally sure that life would end if they didn't like me. I was sure that anyone else was better. A better body, a better face. I slept with too many boys thinking it meant some emotion on their part, when it was usually just sex. I've been thinking a lot about the past recently. I mean..well, I guess I always think about the past. More than others, maybe? I find myself endlessly fascinated with people, with their thoughts. ...

I dreamt about him last night. I didn't want to. We were hanging out, and I think it was a party. Maybe his birthday party? It did just go by. And everyone was there. His wife, Ben, a bunch of other people. I think he took some acid? I don't know, but for some reason he started to have a bad trip and he was freaking out. I am the consummate "mommy" for the frying people and so I KNEW that I had to make it better. Somehow I was the person who was going to make it ok, and no one else could. How stuck up am I in my dreams? I'm sure in real life, his wife would be the person who could make his whole world ok again. My idea was to hug him. I'd just keep hugging him until he felt better. And that wasn't a big deal. I hug lots of people and Ben is not (much of) a jealous type. Everything was going fine and he started to feel better. Then he kissed me. Not like a full on, tongue kiss, just a peck on the lips. I was surprised and pulled back. I told him that he sh...

I found out that this month is Child Abuse Prevention month. I'm wearing my blue ribbon as much as I remember. When I can't even remember to put on my name tag, I prolly won't remember this ribbon. It's a nice one though. Pretty and blue. Not one of those other icky colors that don't work for me. I like the pink breast cancer ones. Those are pretty too. Listen to me, acting like the wearing the ribbon is all about the color. It signifies something so much more. Different things to different people even. I'm not trying to trivialize it, only add my own special brand of daftness to the idea. I feel for anyone who has had to deal with Child abuse in any capacity. I'm sure it's completely heartbreaking to the people who want to help, but feel like they can't for some reason. Coming from a household full of all kinds of abuse, I wish someone had helped. I shouldn't even say that. One person DID try to help me, and I couldn't tell the truth. I coul...