(Who knew, who knew) It'd be you who'd restore my faith

So many things run through my head throughout the day and I never know what to make of them until I can actually write something down.
And then they are gone.
Like the wind.
Pisses me off.

Let's see, things to talk about....
Me, of course.
I realized even before I got home from vacation how much I really love, adore, trust Ben. We don't say it back and forth all the time. I told him when we first got involved that I thought "I love you" was thrown around rather too easily. read: I'd fallen for it too many times. Love is not words, love is actions.
Somehow that doesn't look like proper grammar, but whatever.
And you can't love someone that you don't trust, at least in my life. I don't think I realized how much trust I had in him until I went away for a whole weekend. It's one thing for my kid to be in his care while I'm at work, entirely another for it to be so long.

We aren't married, and sometimes I glitch on that. I would like a big fancy day all for me, I'd like to feel like he thinks it's going to last forever. I think that's what really gets me, marriage makes me feel like he believes it'll last forever. But he has his own issues, just as I have mine. This weekend just really brought home how being married isn't everything. How it doesn't mean that he doesn't care as much as I do. What guy would put up with my craziness and my kid for so long? I mean, my kid is fucking awesome, except when he's not. And sometimes when he's not, he's REALLY not. Sometimes I can see myself in his tantrums, mostly I see Jake.
That's amazing. Ben has taken on a mini-Jake just for me. He doesn't even really like Jake very much anymore.
I missed him so very much that night. Just little things, like how he takes care of me. I am a lazy ass, and he does so much for me. I get drunk, he doesn't care, he just takes care of me, makes me food, helps me out when I over do it.
Or the way he rubs my back when I am falling asleep.

One thing I missed that had nothing to do with him was the fan noise. My fan is always going, and I found it over quiet once the lights were out. I was starting to have visions of not sleeping at all, holding my breath so as not to make the bed move around, and trying not to toss and turn. (which I do once I fall asleep anyhow, so I guess anyone who sleeps next to me is screwed)
I did fall asleep after a bit. It was just strange.

Ben is honestly my best guy friend. I tell him EVERYTHING, besides what I think might a. hurt his feelings, or b. make him hate me. I can usually get out when I have some problem to him, though it might be well after my having the problem. And that doesn't bother him, somehow. He might not even remember what the hell happened, but at least he takes my words to heart.
(or says he does to shut me up. =))
He knows how very hard it is for me to step up when something is bothering me and tell someone how much that actually hurts my feelings. Sometimes I don't wonder if I can't tell people because I'm convinced they'll do it anyway, and that way prove they don't give a shit?
He knows that sometimes it takes some liquid courage for me to really spit something out. And he doesn't seem to mind at all. I mean..I don't know how well I'd handle some drunk person being somewhat angry at me.
Though I don't usually get to anger, I usually pass it off as..."oh hey, don't do that".
He never gives away my secrets, he would never tell anyone else, it doesn't matter what stupid thing might come out of my mouth.
I've had guy friends before, I even had my own gay boyfriend (though he turned out to be the biggest ass ever), but this is a novelty. I don't think I've ever had someone I could tell EVERYTHING too. We were friends for the longest time before anything happened. Do I think that plays a part in how I feel about him? Sure. I guess I do. We already had some trust built in, plus I knew what kind of a person he is.
I know that as much as I might think something annoys him, he will honestly tell me if it does. He has never been the "suffer in silence" type that I can become. I admire that in him. Even when sometimes I'm like..can we just not make a scene please?
He can't help it. He's gonna let you know if something is bothering him.
Which is fucking fantastic, cause I definitely need someone who will say something.
I feel sometimes like I take advantage of him. He's so capable that sometimes I feel like I put a lot on his shoulders.
He is more in tune with my kid than I am. I know this. It makes sense, not only is he around Derek more, they are also both males.
I'm really proud of myself that I've given my son such a great father figure to look up to. Someone to balance out my craziness.
Ben has been the most constant thing in my life for over 6 years now.
Even though I'm pretty solid, especially now, after 5 years at the bookstore, it wasn't always like that. He was around through the end of school, around for those endless months when I had to look for jobs and nothing was panning out, around when I've hated this job and came home ranting and raving about some person or another, around when Derek had such a hard time in those first years of school (he's a little rebellious, what can I say?), around always.
It feels like always.
What's funny is that it already feels like forever. We don't even have to be married, I know that he's "mine" and I'm "his", as much as a person can belong to another.
I have dreams where I'll sleep with someone else, or kiss someone else, and I always wake up from those dreams a little panicked. In all my relationships, once I cheated, it was over. I didn't care enough about the person to not cheat, I must not have cared enough to keep the relationship. I see other men, and while I can appreciate a good looking man, I don't feel anything for them. I don't think, oh, I'd like to sleep with them. I already have something fantastic, and I could never ruin that.
He is even ok to live with. I've never been good at living with others, and he hasn't really annoyed me yet with his living habits.
Maybe it is really that I've worked harder at this relationship than any other? Maybe fault rests solely on me? Maybe I just didn't care enough before to really work it out? To give a little? Who knows. I may never know, really. Not if this all works out.

What sucks, and what I worry about too often is what if he changes his mind? I know what happens in such cases. I don't have my friend anymore. I've already lost guy friends from sleeping with them. And I've lost friends who were only friends because I was sleeping with them. Which I guess makes sense. It still sucks. You tell someone your most personal thoughts, and they know you intimately, and then it can all just be like...well, I don't care at all anymore.
I've been over listening to Ciara's "Like a Boy", so I'm sorry if I'm being all anti-male, it would just seem like guys can shut off emotion easier than I can. In all honesty, I'm sure a lot of people and not just guys can shut off their emotions easier than I can, it's only that it's the boys who do it who have affected my life more.

I read something the other day about how July babies will always glitch on lost friends. I do. I do a lot. I wish I could be friends with people who I used to be friends with. I wish sex didn't mess things up so much.
I've already told Ben, and he probably thinks I'm joking, but I told him if we ever break up we HAVE to be friends still. Unless it's too hard.
Jesse said we can't break up anyhow.
If only Jesse could really make rules like that. Ha.