Random Thoughts

That people don't always want to be your friend. That the guy you thought you LOVED in high school has a hell of a lot more going on than you ever imagined and that you share a love of horror movies. Here I thought that he was just fucking hot. It's not just a college site. Many, many more people are on FB than MySpace. You have a lot more work colleagues that you have to be "normal" for. Your mom may be a better mom than on MySpace. That remains to be seen entirely. More conversation in two days than in two years though. Since more people are on FB, that's more people to offend with random shit you say. FB is far more addictive, since it seems to be a cross between twitter and MySpace. I'm outta control.

Was already pissed and irritated by going-ons at work. Got home and the kid gave me lip. The kid who IS NOT FED, still has to read and shower and all before 9. We HAD this conversation earlier today. "Derek should eat early" was uttered by one or the both of us during this conversation and yet my kid HAS NOT EATEN YET. And will likely be late for bed. How can I punish him since it's partly the adults fucking fault? I'm going to guess that this is due to that fucking magic online game. Multiple times in the past couple weeks it's detained Ben. So I find myself wishing the fucking site would break, or BETTER YET! Maybe the fucking computer will break. Then I won't have to pay for the fucking internet either. Sure, I love the internet, I love the computer, sometimes I get caught up in it, but NOT WHEN IT'S IMPORTANT to get shit done. SO FUCKING ANGRY. And sad too. I've decided that I can't afford RHPS this year. Life is too fucking expensive. Ben was ...

I don't know how, but my site meter says I get visits. Largely from people looking for something related to the fucking Beastie Boys. I still hate them though.

Yes, I was THAT person. Bored tonight. Melancholy for no real good reason. Just because I can, I guess. It's been a million years since I updated this blog, I was thinking I'd let it fall to the wayside and yet, here I am. This blog has become like my hotmail account, over 2,000 messages and I can't seem to make myself check it. Notable things lately? I can't sleep worth a crap it seems. I'm always worried (which is nothing new) about something...money, the child, etc. This seems to have transferred to Ben. We'll probably both be pretty pissed off by the end of this sleepless stretch. That will be awesome. /sarcasm. He's been making an effort to come to bed earlier so that I don't get woken up as much since I finally explained my problems with sleeping. I guess I thought I woke him up at night and that he realized how shitty it was becoming. I explained that I don't think I've had a really long sleep since Easter. The night his tooth went all to ...

Today sucks. My stomach has been queasy since this morning, having that extra coffee didn't help, but I was dog tired. I'm trying to change my attitude before I take it into Friday with me. I dunno if I'll succeed. I spent last night being totally pissed off and questioning my life choices. It's not the best place to be in. That much I can tell you. Is all that vague enough? Good, I like it that way. Let's just say I was soul searching. And didn't really come up with any sort of answers. Obviously, I was not very successful. I rarely am. I was so mad and didn't want to name names so I just pulled out my notebook-diary thing that I used to write in. Back before I had a blog. It's been since 2004 since I wrote in it last. And oddly enough I found that I was still trying to find some of that answers back then. Isn't 5 years long enough to come to a conclusion? Or maybe I just get hot headed and have to write to blow off steam? I also found that all thos...

My vacation thus far: Friday - Met up with Jenn for steak (YUM) Walked the mall after stuffing ourselves silly. Ran into an old friend. Though I dare say she didn't recognize me, or perhaps my not talking made her uncomfortable. I don't think it was a secret that I hate being surprised by people in public. I get weird and quiet. And sometimes shaky. It's awesome. We hit the hot tubs and life was fantastic. The boys got home shortly after I did, Ben had won the tournament, so our night was damn good overall. Saturday - My concert! Oh, the concert. I LOVED it. It was loud, it was awesome, it was made further better by them allowing us to take our beers out onto the McDonald Theater floor. So we could drink and enjoy. Before the concert, we hit the Horsehead and got dinner. Also, ran into Sidney and Patrick. And Zac too. When I am at the bar and have been drinking and run into someone? I'm "2 drink Desiree", who can handle any unexpected situation with finesse (a...

I'm home. Been home for about an hour now. I've been feeling sorry for myself. And angry at all the assholes who keep saying how much they LOVE snow and oh, good, more snow. None of those assholes fell in the snow. None of them hurt their back. None of them have to walk in the goddamn snow. I'm gonna punch the next person who says how much they love snow in the face. Unless it's my child, and then I GUESS I won't punch him. That would just knock his teeth off anyhow. So I've managed to make myself feel a little better by sitting here thinking my hateful thoughts and listening to Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics. By far my best Christmas album. Ben and I had a discussion yesterday about how I rate my iTunes music. He thinks I rate things too high. And maybe he's right. But...it's all opinion anyhow, right? So after he proceeded to SHOW me how many songs I'd had rated at 5 (900 out of 4,000 - I STILL don't think that's too much) and how many...

Woke up to Derek saying he was throwing up at 2:30 in the morning. Proceeded to clean up puke from the bath mats. Much as Ben is THE spider killer, I am the vomit cleaner. Damn my solid stomach. Great middle of the night crap. Got up this morning, thinking hurray, it's payday. Fell in the street on the way to the bus stop. Straight down on my ass. Knocked the wind out of me. I've never had that happen before. It's a bad feeling. I felt like I'd never be able to breath again. It still feels tight around my back and stomach. It hurts. I managed to crawl over to the side of the street so that I would not be hit by cars. My back hurts. It hurts a little bit to breath. I get to work after much gasping and tearing up, and I find out that I've given away money again. SUB cashed their check a little too fast. Oh well. And I've apparently gone back in time and now I've got to have people buy alcohol for me instead of buying it for myself. I don't believe in time ...

It's ONLY Tuesday. How is that even possible? It feels like it's been a week and I just want it to be the weekend. My kid's week hasn't even started as school was out AGAIN today. I kept my word, I am not being too pissed by this. He better be careful going outside though. It's slippery. I had a moment where one foot slipped, but then it was ok. Baby steps, I must look like a moron while walking so slowly and deliberately. The thing is, I tend to fall down for no reason. I can't imagine how it would work if I have a reason to fall down. So far, so good. "California Dreaming" came on my iPod on the walk. It's fitting and I don't even LIKE California. I'm wearing Ben's socks in the hopes that my feet will be warmer. And the sun being out is nice. I hope it means things melt and dry up, though it's probably too much to expect. Instead, we'll probably still be icy tomorrow. And more snow is in the forecast. Did I mention I hate snow...

Today started out WRONG. I'm pretty sure that everyone knows I'm the sole Oregonian who hates snow. So when I looked out the window this morning, I was already irritated. Turned on the TV, found out Derek didn't have school, made me even more irritated. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad he's enjoying the snow he likes, but that means I'm the ONLY one in the house who had to come out and be out in this crap for the coldest parts of the day. I made it to the bus stop without incident, left with plenty of time since I was already running late, and waited for half and hour for a bus that never came. I often have these kinds of dreams, ones where I can't seem to make it to work, either the bus won't come, or it's already really late (like 4 in the afternoon) or I just CAN'T get here for whatever reason. It's almost the exact same dreams that I used to have where I'd left my kid at daycare when he went to daycare. A million dreams and I never ac...

In scaring the hell out of me. I'll probably never have sex again. Things feel more like normal, but not all the way, so I don't want to do it and have it hurt. The good news is that I've figured out a way to be lazier when I don't feel like the naughty thing...I can just present my chest. I knew these boobs were good for something. I hope you are happy lady parts, we're going on 2+ weeks and I'm not touching you until you can behave better and be more "normal". Asshole.

Jenn and I went out and I got to get all my gross girly things out and now I feel better. I'm normal and stuff. Heh. Go figure. Eileen just freaked me out cause I was like...well, I'm talking too much. I guess I just can't say things like that at work. I forget that Tara isn't around anymore, she was my go to girl for things like this. She never made me feel weird and didn't freak me out anymore than I was already freaking out. (usually...sometimes weird things freak me out, so I can't say she NEVER freaked me out, but usually not.) Plus, I got sushi, coffee, and got to share my love of High Priestess with Jenn. It was hard to not get pierced while I was there, but I really don't have the money for it, plus they don't like to when you have a cold anyhow. But I might know what I can do next. We'll see. My ear buds may interfere and I do so love my ear buds. My new iPod is the awesome and so incredibly pink. I adore it. It has music, tv, and movie quiz...

Heh. By that I mean not on my MySpace page, though I've been putting up TMI_Chix posts galore on LJ. It's funny right now, since I'm awake and it's not happening, but let me share this maddening bit of crazy that my brain concocts at night. I put in the cream (ICK) and I go to bed. Wait, first I go pee, then I put in the cream, then I go to bed. I lay awake forever when I usually fall asleep pretty quickly, and I start thinking..hey, wouldn't it suck if I had to pee? All of the sudden, I KNOW I have to pee. I fight the urge, become convinced that the thinking is WHY I can't fall asleep and so I surrender and give up and go pee. I come back to bed after peeing only a minuscule amount and cry (not so much fun) because of course that little moment of peeing has probably WRECKED any and all chances of the medicine working. Of course. (This is my amount of neurosis, this is why I feel stupid half the time) Repeat as necessary. Any fellow pee-ers out there? Any sort o...

Utter calamity of course. And way TMI. You've been warned, all two of you who read this. So..last Saturday at the concert, I sat with Heather and made up my mind that I really DID have a yeast infection. The itchiness right around the vaginal opening was maddening and I had one applicator left from a previous bout with this shit. I started using that one and drug Ben with me to Fred Meyers to get more of this treatment. It seems to me that I used a shorter treatment before and it didn't really work for me. (I've come to find out that it might have worked, if I'd just waited a few days to see if the itchiness passed) So I bought the 7 day treatment. And spent the next 4 nights in complete uncomfortableness, hoping that I was laying still enough to keep the medicine "in there" and working. I even cried and made Ben go to sleep early on Sunday night, cause I was determined that I should have enough "sleep hours" to make the medicine work. I was pissed a...

Yes, I'm playing catch up again. I'm sorry. If anyone even reads this. I think Ariel is the only one, everyone else reads MySpace. I got SUCKED into MySpace. And Twitter too. lol. Tuesday, Oct. 21st Title: Rhea - crazy ex neighbor. She looks less crazy on the bus. Besides the VERY orange plaid capris and the rainbow knit hat. Ok, so she LOOKS more crazy now, but she's always so nice on the bus to other people and I sit far away and watch her and wait for the crazy. I believe she is bi-polar. Up one minute, friendly, nice, and then angry and screaming the next. My favorite experience with her? Well, my favorite story at least.. Jake and I were at the house alone, I believe. She came upstairs and we'd already drawn some sort of battle lines apparently, cause she brought up a Zima and slurred that it was a peace offering. Drunk and crazy, oh good. I made small talk, wondering why she'd decided to not be so damn angry that we lived above her and were so loud, by LIVING,...

Ugh. I think just writing about it brought on the nausea. Thanks brain, thanks body. Good for you on working so well against my own thought and logic process. Seriously. What are the odds? It's just not very likely. Uck. Maybe it really is just a bug. Everybody hope I'm sick, okay? =S

Wednesday, October 8th So tired, but must update‏ I always need a day to FREAK out. Once I get my freak out out of my system, I feel better. Cause you know what? I've gotten through so much in my life, like this dental insurance thing will be the thing that makes me lose it. No, it won't. Onward and upward. One way or another I'll make do. It's just that the thought of him being "uninsured" is freaking me out. A backwards slide into "white trash", if you will. I hated "The Mist". The ending sucked and beyond any of that, I don't understand why it was so religious based feeling. And I have a hard time accepting that any benevolent god would be so drastic. I guess I just have a hard time when I feel like people are being persecuted for being different. I guess I'm full of over-privileged guilt. Hah. Yeah, I am SO over privileged. Imagine how Ben must have felt though. I'm in the bedroom in the dark, bawling my eyes out over the...

Of work, that is. Meh. I'm so ready for this week to be over, but tomorrow should be fine anyhow. I mean, we only have 4 people here in the department, I get to be in the room I love, stressing out over getting everything done. Heh. I'm better than I was two days ago. Although today I found out that nestle crunches give me heartburn. =( I'm a sad panda, indeed. In other, not entirely about me news, Ariel has 4 weeks. A baby! I get to see a baby and play with one that I feel like I can take over. Ariel is the closest thing I have to a sister out here, so I'm gonna be like..an imaginary aunt. =) Jenn and I have a sushi date for Oct. 10th and I don't feel like it's going to get here fast enough, but I shall have to have some patience. It will be hard. Derek has a doctor's appt on Monday. I was trying to get a check up coinciding with it, but no such luck. The boy has a circular black spot on his foot. He is worried about it, and why shouldn't he be, he...

I've been thinking that my big mouth tends to get me in trouble. I lead with emotions, it's not a good thing. So I've been trying not to run my mouth as much lately. But I can see the collision coming. My brain seems to be in overdrive, and yet I'm not speaking of my problems. Some are too personal, some I know better than to talk about on the internet. It's never a good thing when my brain is in overdrive. I'm sure it doesn't help that this is my "other" allergy season. I can't tell you what I'm allergic too, the doctors don't know. I don't want to take the Sudafed that was the last resort. I may as well be asleep if I take that crap. So I wake up feeling like I'm coming down with something, and have felt this way for weeks now. My headache has been a steady, low pressure for this past week. Tylenol helps, but after it wears off, it comes right back. This is probably affecting my mood. Yesterday the bus seemed to be going pr...

I started watching this Presidential address to see if Bush said something stupid. I've been sucked into this discussion about the financial plan since our economy is full of FAIL right now. He may be making sense. Ack! I dunno, I'm not always so quick with the politics and I certainly only barely passed Economics class.