GAH!
Today sucks.
My stomach has been queasy since this morning, having that extra coffee didn't help, but I was dog tired.
I'm trying to change my attitude before I take it into Friday with me.
I dunno if I'll succeed. I spent last night being totally pissed off and questioning my life choices. It's not the best place to be in. That much I can tell you.
Is all that vague enough? Good, I like it that way. Let's just say I was soul searching. And didn't really come up with any sort of answers.
Obviously, I was not very successful. I rarely am.
I was so mad and didn't want to name names so I just pulled out my notebook-diary thing that I used to write in. Back before I had a blog.
It's been since 2004 since I wrote in it last. And oddly enough I found that I was still trying to find some of that answers back then. Isn't 5 years long enough to come to a conclusion?
Or maybe I just get hot headed and have to write to blow off steam?
I also found that all those "parties" I used to throw didn't always leave me feeling so happy. For awhile, every party I was having would involve people who could stay up way later than me, so I would always fall asleep first, and be irritated by not having my boyfriend in bed with me as he is a late night person as well.
But when you have to get up in the morning with a kid, it's hard to want to stay up very late. I seem to be better at it now, maybe since I don't throw a party a month.
Now it's more of a delicacy, if you will, so I can stay awake from sheer excitement, I guess.
The only things I realized for sure last night? That I'm hyper critical when soul searching and often come out of it not really liking myself. Feeling like a moron. This is why I'm so "bubblegum pop" all the time. It's so much easier than sitting and criticizing myself again and again.
The end result?
1. I'm unhappy with myself. I'm unhappy with my weight (it's all fine and well to say fat chicks are awesome. I agree with you. They are nicer*, they are curvier...but my ass has gotten out of control. I can't find a picture of my new haircut that I like not because of the haircut but because of how fat my face looks in the picture. Shopping for clothes is much more of a hassle for me and much spendier than it used to be. I am TOTALLY fine with shopping at Walmart, but when all I could buy there is stretch jeans? No way). I'm unhappy with the bumpiness. It's all true. I pretend I don't care, but the scale went up again this last visit to the doctor. I've never been good at dieting, so my only option is to get more exercise. Which leads to the second part here...
2. I NEED to get a bike. I LIKE bike riding. The only other activity I enjoy is swimming and I can't buy a pool, so I should buy a bike. I mean to do this every year, but I haven't yet. And now that I am able to afford it, I'm not even sure how to go about it. How can I make sure I don't buy a lemon? (like my old computer, like a million other things I bought on the spur of the moment)
The bike shop next door has cruisers that aren't completely too expensive. They even come with a year's service. But the lady over there is kind of mean, so I don't know how to even approach her and ask what that covers. And the cruisers often don't have gears, which might be hard to ride in certain areas.
Or do I just buy a mountain bike? Or do I go to a billion places to comparison shop? (On the bus)
Gah. I can't decide what the hell to do honestly. I just want a bike before my ass gets too fat to even ride a normal bike.
In any case, I guess we'll see if I can actually keep this resolve to buy and ride a bike. Or maybe next year I'll just be bitching about the same old thing. Which means you can skip this post next year, cause you'll have already read it.
*mostly..though that's probably an awful stereotype. Generally, I like people who are nice, so I suppose a LOT of people I know are nicer and it would follow by default that the fat people I know would be nice as well. Is that disclaimer enough? I'm not trying to be mean, but it came out, and I can't find a word that better describes it. (Or I just hate skinny people? lol)**
**Eek, my first footnote on a blog. I was going to put quotation marks inside of other quotation marks and instead my brain thought this would be better. I'm kind of proud of me in a dorky way for that.
My stomach has been queasy since this morning, having that extra coffee didn't help, but I was dog tired.
I'm trying to change my attitude before I take it into Friday with me.
I dunno if I'll succeed. I spent last night being totally pissed off and questioning my life choices. It's not the best place to be in. That much I can tell you.
Is all that vague enough? Good, I like it that way. Let's just say I was soul searching. And didn't really come up with any sort of answers.
Obviously, I was not very successful. I rarely am.
I was so mad and didn't want to name names so I just pulled out my notebook-diary thing that I used to write in. Back before I had a blog.
It's been since 2004 since I wrote in it last. And oddly enough I found that I was still trying to find some of that answers back then. Isn't 5 years long enough to come to a conclusion?
Or maybe I just get hot headed and have to write to blow off steam?
I also found that all those "parties" I used to throw didn't always leave me feeling so happy. For awhile, every party I was having would involve people who could stay up way later than me, so I would always fall asleep first, and be irritated by not having my boyfriend in bed with me as he is a late night person as well.
But when you have to get up in the morning with a kid, it's hard to want to stay up very late. I seem to be better at it now, maybe since I don't throw a party a month.
Now it's more of a delicacy, if you will, so I can stay awake from sheer excitement, I guess.
The only things I realized for sure last night? That I'm hyper critical when soul searching and often come out of it not really liking myself. Feeling like a moron. This is why I'm so "bubblegum pop" all the time. It's so much easier than sitting and criticizing myself again and again.
The end result?
1. I'm unhappy with myself. I'm unhappy with my weight (it's all fine and well to say fat chicks are awesome. I agree with you. They are nicer*, they are curvier...but my ass has gotten out of control. I can't find a picture of my new haircut that I like not because of the haircut but because of how fat my face looks in the picture. Shopping for clothes is much more of a hassle for me and much spendier than it used to be. I am TOTALLY fine with shopping at Walmart, but when all I could buy there is stretch jeans? No way). I'm unhappy with the bumpiness. It's all true. I pretend I don't care, but the scale went up again this last visit to the doctor. I've never been good at dieting, so my only option is to get more exercise. Which leads to the second part here...
2. I NEED to get a bike. I LIKE bike riding. The only other activity I enjoy is swimming and I can't buy a pool, so I should buy a bike. I mean to do this every year, but I haven't yet. And now that I am able to afford it, I'm not even sure how to go about it. How can I make sure I don't buy a lemon? (like my old computer, like a million other things I bought on the spur of the moment)
The bike shop next door has cruisers that aren't completely too expensive. They even come with a year's service. But the lady over there is kind of mean, so I don't know how to even approach her and ask what that covers. And the cruisers often don't have gears, which might be hard to ride in certain areas.
Or do I just buy a mountain bike? Or do I go to a billion places to comparison shop? (On the bus)
Gah. I can't decide what the hell to do honestly. I just want a bike before my ass gets too fat to even ride a normal bike.
In any case, I guess we'll see if I can actually keep this resolve to buy and ride a bike. Or maybe next year I'll just be bitching about the same old thing. Which means you can skip this post next year, cause you'll have already read it.
*mostly..though that's probably an awful stereotype. Generally, I like people who are nice, so I suppose a LOT of people I know are nicer and it would follow by default that the fat people I know would be nice as well. Is that disclaimer enough? I'm not trying to be mean, but it came out, and I can't find a word that better describes it. (Or I just hate skinny people? lol)**
**Eek, my first footnote on a blog. I was going to put quotation marks inside of other quotation marks and instead my brain thought this would be better. I'm kind of proud of me in a dorky way for that.
Comments