"I’m so tired of being here.."

I've been thinking that my big mouth tends to get me in trouble. I lead with emotions, it's not a good thing.

So I've been trying not to run my mouth as much lately.
But I can see the collision coming. My brain seems to be in overdrive, and yet I'm not speaking of my problems.
Some are too personal, some I know better than to talk about on the internet.

It's never a good thing when my brain is in overdrive.

I'm sure it doesn't help that this is my "other" allergy season. I can't tell you what I'm allergic too, the doctors don't know. I don't want to take the Sudafed that was the last resort. I may as well be asleep if I take that crap.
So I wake up feeling like I'm coming down with something, and have felt this way for weeks now. My headache has been a steady, low pressure for this past week. Tylenol helps, but after it wears off, it comes right back.
This is probably affecting my mood.

Yesterday the bus seemed to be going pretty fast for the rainy street, and I had a brief moment of panic that we might crash. This was overshadowed with the thought that maybe it would be ok if we crashed. I wouldn't have to deal with these problems.
I know that my kid needs me, and I can't die yet.
Never the less, I slept badly last night, actually I couldn't sleep for a good two hours after I laid down, a sleeping pill, a muscle relaxer, and tylenol later.
If I'm to the point where I don't care if I live or die, something is wrong.
(NO, I'm not about to slit my wrists, just wondering what aspect of my life is driving me to this point.)

Or maybe I'm just overwhelmed. Life is difficult and confusing due to situations I can not do anything about right now, but it's not like I'm homeless, it's not like I can't afford food.
That's what gets me. If I could at least DO something about it, maybe I wouldn't lay awake at night not being able to sleep.

For something more entertaining, I'll share this. I have to pee right before I go to bed. If I am awake for longer than half and hour after laying down, my brain says I need to pee. I must have peed at least 4 or 5 times last night, mostly just trickles.
Stupid brain.

Comments

AnywhereEden said…
I think it's pretty normal to think like that sometimes. I have had times when I was so certain Mina would be better off without me that I considered what would happen if I were in a car accident. It's not really anything to worry about, just our minds processing all our options, and while that one is the sissy way out it is bound to come up at some time. I think you need to toughen up though, and try workin on some not so easy options that make you feel uncomfortable, like job hunting for something better. It may make you feel uncomfortable but in the end it could save you a lot of sleepless nights, and I know for a fact that those bitches don't pay you what you are worth. If nothing else an offer elsewhere could pressure them into giving you a raise to keep you.
7:59 AM
SWSNBN said…
I emailed you from work. It was deep. Too personal for the internets. I'm not sharing it with too many people right about now for obvious reasons.

I may actually look into the want ads. My own insecurity doesn't help. I don't feel as on top of it accounting wise as I should.
8:03 PM
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