It's been so damn long I couldn't remember my password..
Yes, I was THAT person.
Bored tonight. Melancholy for no real good reason. Just because I can, I guess.
It's been a million years since I updated this blog, I was thinking I'd let it fall to the wayside and yet, here I am.
This blog has become like my hotmail account, over 2,000 messages and I can't seem to make myself check it.
Notable things lately?
I can't sleep worth a crap it seems. I'm always worried (which is nothing new) about something...money, the child, etc.
This seems to have transferred to Ben. We'll probably both be pretty pissed off by the end of this sleepless stretch. That will be awesome. /sarcasm.
He's been making an effort to come to bed earlier so that I don't get woken up as much since I finally explained my problems with sleeping. I guess I thought I woke him up at night and that he realized how shitty it was becoming.
I explained that I don't think I've had a really long sleep since Easter. The night his tooth went all to hell and he couldn't sleep at all so he went to the living room for the night.
Explaining things to the boyfriend makes it better. I don't know what I think I SHOULDN'T bother him with my stressful mind, but I should bother him. He hasn't been scared off yet, and he must know how fucking crazy I am.
I had an awesome vacation with Jenn in May. We're trying to convince Ariel to come with us next time (C'mon my dear! You know you want to! It's gonna be my big thing to ME for turning 30 next year. I'm damn determined to put a nice bundle of cash away from tax returns so that we can get a hotel room (with a pool! would be awesome!)) and enjoy the hell out of one weekend. (I LOVE ADELE)
I'm quitting coffee. I got sick of being it's slave. Well...I'm hoping I can drink a coffee sometimes. I just don't want to do it every damn day.
My kid is a middle schooler! OMG! Today Ben and I went to Fred Meyer for some groceries and left him at the house for 45 minutes or so. ON HIS OWN. Cause I have to start doing shit like that more. The boy must be given just enough freedom. I know this. I was cutting class and heading to the mall to shoplift at 12, an age he is about to reach. Mostly cause I wasn't allowed to go out with my friends much. Meanwhile, he runs the neighborhood and rides his bike and checks in every hour. I wait with baited breath each time before he checks in...cause OBVIOUSLY HE IS DEAD.
This is crazy and I KNOW it. It doesn't prevent me from thinking it.
Ben and I are good..when I remember to actually discuss my issues and problems with him. Some days I'm like...I'm gonna be with him forever, and some days...well, some days I wonder if we'll make it after Derek isn't around needing him as much as he does. This is the shittiest thing that runs through my mind..I feel like a user since he's here with the kid. I just don't know if we're the best for each other, but I know he's like my best friend. We have so many inside jokes, we GET each other...it's not really like any relationship I've had before. So I have hope.
I seem to keep gaining weight every time I go back to the doctor for my birth control shot, but I NEED to not get pregnant, so I'm at a fucking loss. I bought a bike and I LOVE my bike, but I think I need a new innertube and can't afford one right now..so I can't ride it as much as I'd like.
Ben's wisdom teeth removal is only gonna end up costing us around 300 dollars. I was expecting anywhere from 900 to 600...was not expecting the lower amount.
Amazing what insurance can do for you.
One of my sisters got pregnant with twins (again) and I was all excited for her, cause she so longs to be a mother. But as the last time, this one did not end well and now I don't even know what to say to her. I just hope it's not something serious...but...twice in a row? Shit. I'm a realist, also known as a fucking pessimist and I don't want to make it worse. It's fucking bad enough. She was....25 weeks or so? Can't quite remember. Maybe that's why I'm so fucking melancholy.
Work is good. It's retail, so people are a bit freaking out since we're in the middle of a recession, but so far, so good. They aren't laying off any permanent people yet, and I seem to have found my own special niche. I'm somewhat of a right hand man to my boss sometimes. Not always, I'm not there yet, but I just..I dunno..it feels RIGHT. The only downside, and I still fucking understand WHY they are doing it, but it's still sad, is that no raises will be given this year. It's a preventative measure and it makes sense. With the football team winning though, we may actually see less of a loss this year.
I'm fucking addicted to Facebook. It's a problem. I found my high school boyfriend, the first guy who I had sex with..and we've been talking. He's married, has two kids, looks like he's doing well and I'm happy for him. He invited all his FB friends out to his birthday party yet I could not make myself go. I'm...so much fatter now then in high school and I wasn't THIN then. I admitted as much so he would understand that it wasn't him it was me (how cliche!) and he said..well, he hopes that I know he wouldn't judge me like that.
Which is all well and fine, but WTF? This guy was like..I dunno. I thought I NEEDED him to be happy (cause I was just as crazy then) and he treated me like a secret girlfriend. We made out for like...a year, but only went out for a week. How could I NOT feel judged by that? It's like I'm back in fucking high school.
I've also been hanging out with other ex boyfriends. Making my peace with the way things ended. I adore hanging out with Paul and Liz, I like Jake's wife Karen (thought not always Jake), and...well shit I guess that's it. But Paul was my last big stupid crush, and it's cathartic to be friends. We had a conversation where I admitted how I seemed to find the wrong guys and like them for the wrong reasons, and put myself too far into it.
He responded..yes, I remember that. And it was almost funny! Cause I could tell he knew that I also meant him. Not just the high school boyfriend who I let use me.
Ben seems to not be as against marriage, but now I am. Why fix something that isn't broken? I should have a fake wedding day just for the thrills. All kidding aside, that boy and I won't get married ever. Not unless he finds a way to deal with his child support. I can't have that hanging over my head. I can't afford to be garnished for a dumb mistake he made in high school. I'm paying for my child already.
Oh and Derek has a new little half sister. She's adorable. I'm glad for Jake and Karen, though Jake would have liked a boy I think. I'm selfishly glad that Derek has remained his sole boy child. This will cut down on some jealousy I think. They'll have BOY things they do, and it'll be a special bond for my boy.
All I really want is for Derek to feel like he's wanted. By both parents. Something I didn't feel.
My mom is trying to be my friend on FB and I've managed (only barely) to restrain myself from telling my mom that being on FB and being my friend DOES NOT make her a good mother. I went past my last birthday with no card, no email, no ANYTHING from her. FUCK HER. (I'm still a little pissed, I guess.)
I miss the hell out of my sisters. And my friends who've moved.
And I think that's it. An hour later, I'm done spewing. Since I haven't updated since last FEBRUARY, no doubt people won't actually check this for awhile. lol.
Does anyone actually still read this? And if you don't..meh. I'm liking the outlet I get from typing. Don't expect regularity though. Cause obviously you can't.
(WHY! WHY would VH1 Divas have Sheryl Crow and Miley Cyrus play the whiniest song? Sheryl Crow has so many better songs! Ugh.)
Bored tonight. Melancholy for no real good reason. Just because I can, I guess.
It's been a million years since I updated this blog, I was thinking I'd let it fall to the wayside and yet, here I am.
This blog has become like my hotmail account, over 2,000 messages and I can't seem to make myself check it.
Notable things lately?
I can't sleep worth a crap it seems. I'm always worried (which is nothing new) about something...money, the child, etc.
This seems to have transferred to Ben. We'll probably both be pretty pissed off by the end of this sleepless stretch. That will be awesome. /sarcasm.
He's been making an effort to come to bed earlier so that I don't get woken up as much since I finally explained my problems with sleeping. I guess I thought I woke him up at night and that he realized how shitty it was becoming.
I explained that I don't think I've had a really long sleep since Easter. The night his tooth went all to hell and he couldn't sleep at all so he went to the living room for the night.
Explaining things to the boyfriend makes it better. I don't know what I think I SHOULDN'T bother him with my stressful mind, but I should bother him. He hasn't been scared off yet, and he must know how fucking crazy I am.
I had an awesome vacation with Jenn in May. We're trying to convince Ariel to come with us next time (C'mon my dear! You know you want to! It's gonna be my big thing to ME for turning 30 next year. I'm damn determined to put a nice bundle of cash away from tax returns so that we can get a hotel room (with a pool! would be awesome!)) and enjoy the hell out of one weekend. (I LOVE ADELE)
I'm quitting coffee. I got sick of being it's slave. Well...I'm hoping I can drink a coffee sometimes. I just don't want to do it every damn day.
My kid is a middle schooler! OMG! Today Ben and I went to Fred Meyer for some groceries and left him at the house for 45 minutes or so. ON HIS OWN. Cause I have to start doing shit like that more. The boy must be given just enough freedom. I know this. I was cutting class and heading to the mall to shoplift at 12, an age he is about to reach. Mostly cause I wasn't allowed to go out with my friends much. Meanwhile, he runs the neighborhood and rides his bike and checks in every hour. I wait with baited breath each time before he checks in...cause OBVIOUSLY HE IS DEAD.
This is crazy and I KNOW it. It doesn't prevent me from thinking it.
Ben and I are good..when I remember to actually discuss my issues and problems with him. Some days I'm like...I'm gonna be with him forever, and some days...well, some days I wonder if we'll make it after Derek isn't around needing him as much as he does. This is the shittiest thing that runs through my mind..I feel like a user since he's here with the kid. I just don't know if we're the best for each other, but I know he's like my best friend. We have so many inside jokes, we GET each other...it's not really like any relationship I've had before. So I have hope.
I seem to keep gaining weight every time I go back to the doctor for my birth control shot, but I NEED to not get pregnant, so I'm at a fucking loss. I bought a bike and I LOVE my bike, but I think I need a new innertube and can't afford one right now..so I can't ride it as much as I'd like.
Ben's wisdom teeth removal is only gonna end up costing us around 300 dollars. I was expecting anywhere from 900 to 600...was not expecting the lower amount.
Amazing what insurance can do for you.
One of my sisters got pregnant with twins (again) and I was all excited for her, cause she so longs to be a mother. But as the last time, this one did not end well and now I don't even know what to say to her. I just hope it's not something serious...but...twice in a row? Shit. I'm a realist, also known as a fucking pessimist and I don't want to make it worse. It's fucking bad enough. She was....25 weeks or so? Can't quite remember. Maybe that's why I'm so fucking melancholy.
Work is good. It's retail, so people are a bit freaking out since we're in the middle of a recession, but so far, so good. They aren't laying off any permanent people yet, and I seem to have found my own special niche. I'm somewhat of a right hand man to my boss sometimes. Not always, I'm not there yet, but I just..I dunno..it feels RIGHT. The only downside, and I still fucking understand WHY they are doing it, but it's still sad, is that no raises will be given this year. It's a preventative measure and it makes sense. With the football team winning though, we may actually see less of a loss this year.
I'm fucking addicted to Facebook. It's a problem. I found my high school boyfriend, the first guy who I had sex with..and we've been talking. He's married, has two kids, looks like he's doing well and I'm happy for him. He invited all his FB friends out to his birthday party yet I could not make myself go. I'm...so much fatter now then in high school and I wasn't THIN then. I admitted as much so he would understand that it wasn't him it was me (how cliche!) and he said..well, he hopes that I know he wouldn't judge me like that.
Which is all well and fine, but WTF? This guy was like..I dunno. I thought I NEEDED him to be happy (cause I was just as crazy then) and he treated me like a secret girlfriend. We made out for like...a year, but only went out for a week. How could I NOT feel judged by that? It's like I'm back in fucking high school.
I've also been hanging out with other ex boyfriends. Making my peace with the way things ended. I adore hanging out with Paul and Liz, I like Jake's wife Karen (thought not always Jake), and...well shit I guess that's it. But Paul was my last big stupid crush, and it's cathartic to be friends. We had a conversation where I admitted how I seemed to find the wrong guys and like them for the wrong reasons, and put myself too far into it.
He responded..yes, I remember that. And it was almost funny! Cause I could tell he knew that I also meant him. Not just the high school boyfriend who I let use me.
Ben seems to not be as against marriage, but now I am. Why fix something that isn't broken? I should have a fake wedding day just for the thrills. All kidding aside, that boy and I won't get married ever. Not unless he finds a way to deal with his child support. I can't have that hanging over my head. I can't afford to be garnished for a dumb mistake he made in high school. I'm paying for my child already.
Oh and Derek has a new little half sister. She's adorable. I'm glad for Jake and Karen, though Jake would have liked a boy I think. I'm selfishly glad that Derek has remained his sole boy child. This will cut down on some jealousy I think. They'll have BOY things they do, and it'll be a special bond for my boy.
All I really want is for Derek to feel like he's wanted. By both parents. Something I didn't feel.
My mom is trying to be my friend on FB and I've managed (only barely) to restrain myself from telling my mom that being on FB and being my friend DOES NOT make her a good mother. I went past my last birthday with no card, no email, no ANYTHING from her. FUCK HER. (I'm still a little pissed, I guess.)
I miss the hell out of my sisters. And my friends who've moved.
And I think that's it. An hour later, I'm done spewing. Since I haven't updated since last FEBRUARY, no doubt people won't actually check this for awhile. lol.
Does anyone actually still read this? And if you don't..meh. I'm liking the outlet I get from typing. Don't expect regularity though. Cause obviously you can't.
(WHY! WHY would VH1 Divas have Sheryl Crow and Miley Cyrus play the whiniest song? Sheryl Crow has so many better songs! Ugh.)
Comments
I so want to get a place with a pool this year. I know we didn't spend a lot of time at the room, but I think it would be awesome.
Being on the beach would be kind of awesome too. I'd take one or the other, but I feel like I should do something special since this year is the big 3-0. Not that we have to wait until July, we know summer rates are more anyhow! =)