Seriously?
This year is all about hurting myself.
I was in a hurry today and I ended up biting the hell out of my lip, pinching my finger between two trays of coin, and pinching my thumb in a metal cabinet.
Not terribly hard, hard enough to hurt. Not bleeding, well, besides my lip.
And I'm afraid I'm going to continue biting the inside of my mouth, cause OF COURSE! It's right there in the way.
I had to work late tonight, and the bus ride home was disgusting.
Since it's the beginning of rush week, they give us free food for snacks and well, lunch, cause I am too lazy to bring lunch when I can eat something else. So I eat a bagel for lunch. Today, I figured since we were being fed and there was no reason why I could not eat a bagel at my desk, I thought I'd skip eating during lunch and instead roam campus. I didn't know where I was going, I only knew that I wanted away from the PEOPLE, and since Campus is the prettiest area I know, I figured I'd head that way. The only way that wasn't teeming with people was towards the library and beyond to the cemetery. I took the time to enjoy it too. I looked up at the library and noticed the words on the front. This might be the first time. I'm always too busy staring at the faces and the building itself. It's pretty. There are so many good buildings on campus.
If I'd gone the other way, instead of the library way, I would've walked past the "gardens" with the stone roses in them. It's really kind of a fantastic place.
I thought a lot while walking. I spent at least 40 minutes up there. I probably should have turned off the iPod, but it was more for background music. Maybe next time I'll try it. But leave the headphones in so no one will try and talk to me. It's funny, in a cemetery, people usually avoid other people. I can't help but wonder if they are all going there for the solitude. I wonder if they are trying to be alone, without really being alone.
Except the joggers. All bets are off with the joggers, they run through in huge groups, all talking. I wasalmost run oversurpassed by a large wave off testosterone at one point.
I heard some of the music on the iPod, but like I said, it was mostly background for the thoughts in my head.
Cemeteries fascinate me, maybe that's morbid, but I love them. They are calm and usually pretty full of trees; it's almost like the woods. I couldn't be more at home in a cemetery than if it had an ocean right next to it.
It's weird, mostly what I thought about was how when I used to go to cemeteries, I would look at as many graves as possible and calculate how long they had lived. With the ones who were merely babies, I would cry a little. I never understood how I could be alive if these babies had never even gotten a chance to live. I wondered why I wasn't taken instead. I guess I didn't think I had anything important to do in life. I had really low self esteem and I was pretty sure that I only fucked things up for everyone else. (do you see how fucking emo I was?) I hope my child never feels that way, but who knows. Maybe he'll be as dramatic as I was. I also wondered why god would let children die?
Now I see those children's graves and I imagine how horrible it would be if my child died. And when I actually calculated some ages and got about my age, it struck me again. I could die any time. You could die anytime. Anyone can die at any time. It was quite a sobering thought. It was not helped along by a tombstone seen almost directly after that. All I remember for sure is it went something like..
As you are now, I once was too.
But as I am now, you will be soon.
Something to that effect. I probably just butchered it. Next time I go, I'll have to take my camera and take a picture of it.
I don't know if it's being faced with mortality or what, but it was a good thing overall, because I realized that I used to kind of want to die so that others wouldn't have to, and just so that it would be over...and now? Now I want to live. Now I am terrified of dying. My goal in life has become to raise that child into a decent human being. It was a direction I needed. It made some of my life clearer, but other parts more murky. I was thankful all over again for my child, as exasperating as he may be sometimes.
I always wander aimlessly around graveyards and so I wondered why? I should start at one point and make my way to the other end.
I got 3 or 4 rows into it. Just meandering. Reading some inscriptions, wishing I could see under the moss on others. I wouldn't dare touch it to wipe it off though. That would seem sacrilegious.
Now I wonder why it took me this long to realize the difference. I've been in a lot of graveyards since he was born. I even went to a baby's funeral. I was actually sobbing. That's the only way to describe it. A friend of mine had twins, and one of them died. And then she stopped going to visit the other one in the hospital (because they were born too early) and last I heard, they took that baby away. She had moved out of the pregnancy house and in with this older man. And all of the sudden, she couldn't hang out, never wanted to leave the house...I don't know...like big red flags of danger. It didn't feel right. And then she had the twins early and it all went to hell, and I don't, maybe she felt too guilty to mother the other one. Like maybe she just decided...well, I'm not a good mother. Maybe it was a decision of love...I can't tell you how pissed off I was to hear that though. I mean..WTF? That is your CHILD. I just, I can't even fathom.
Very occasionally, I would run across to people buried next to each other who died within days of each other. The romantic in me thinks...aw, they couldn't live without the other one. But the cynic in me just reared it's ugly head and thought...well, yeah, but it could just be a case of disease that wiped out a bunch of people. Who knows, those sorts of things HAPPEN. I even happened upon one on the same day and that made me sad...cause I could only think of something like a car crash or fire or something. One had the daughter dying, the father dying like...4 years after that, and the mother living for a long time afterward. That freaked me out. I would not want to live for a very long time after my child died.
Graveyards make me think of weird thoughts and weird times and all sorts of things. Especially that graveyard. It's my favorite. It's the one I've spent the most time in..from Julie and Caleb half making out at 5 in the morning, and me wishing I was ANYWHERE else..good lord, talk about a third wheel...all the way to today, I've never had a bad time in that graveyard. Tony picked me a flower there once, we all used to go up and visit george, I even slept in that graveyard a time or two. I mentioned it to someone this morning and perhaps that is where the plan started forming. Cause I think it's pretty fucking awesome that somehow I work really close to the same graveyard where I used to hang out too often. Somewhere where I can hang out now when people are pissing me off. Sometimes I like dead people more than alive ones.
I think I'm running a little morbid today, so I'm gonna go eat my late dinner and sit and veg. Maybe some comedy on the TV will make me less morbid. It could happen. Really.
I was in a hurry today and I ended up biting the hell out of my lip, pinching my finger between two trays of coin, and pinching my thumb in a metal cabinet.
Not terribly hard, hard enough to hurt. Not bleeding, well, besides my lip.
And I'm afraid I'm going to continue biting the inside of my mouth, cause OF COURSE! It's right there in the way.
I had to work late tonight, and the bus ride home was disgusting.
Since it's the beginning of rush week, they give us free food for snacks and well, lunch, cause I am too lazy to bring lunch when I can eat something else. So I eat a bagel for lunch. Today, I figured since we were being fed and there was no reason why I could not eat a bagel at my desk, I thought I'd skip eating during lunch and instead roam campus. I didn't know where I was going, I only knew that I wanted away from the PEOPLE, and since Campus is the prettiest area I know, I figured I'd head that way. The only way that wasn't teeming with people was towards the library and beyond to the cemetery. I took the time to enjoy it too. I looked up at the library and noticed the words on the front. This might be the first time. I'm always too busy staring at the faces and the building itself. It's pretty. There are so many good buildings on campus.
If I'd gone the other way, instead of the library way, I would've walked past the "gardens" with the stone roses in them. It's really kind of a fantastic place.
I thought a lot while walking. I spent at least 40 minutes up there. I probably should have turned off the iPod, but it was more for background music. Maybe next time I'll try it. But leave the headphones in so no one will try and talk to me. It's funny, in a cemetery, people usually avoid other people. I can't help but wonder if they are all going there for the solitude. I wonder if they are trying to be alone, without really being alone.
Except the joggers. All bets are off with the joggers, they run through in huge groups, all talking. I was
I heard some of the music on the iPod, but like I said, it was mostly background for the thoughts in my head.
Cemeteries fascinate me, maybe that's morbid, but I love them. They are calm and usually pretty full of trees; it's almost like the woods. I couldn't be more at home in a cemetery than if it had an ocean right next to it.
It's weird, mostly what I thought about was how when I used to go to cemeteries, I would look at as many graves as possible and calculate how long they had lived. With the ones who were merely babies, I would cry a little. I never understood how I could be alive if these babies had never even gotten a chance to live. I wondered why I wasn't taken instead. I guess I didn't think I had anything important to do in life. I had really low self esteem and I was pretty sure that I only fucked things up for everyone else. (do you see how fucking emo I was?) I hope my child never feels that way, but who knows. Maybe he'll be as dramatic as I was. I also wondered why god would let children die?
Now I see those children's graves and I imagine how horrible it would be if my child died. And when I actually calculated some ages and got about my age, it struck me again. I could die any time. You could die anytime. Anyone can die at any time. It was quite a sobering thought. It was not helped along by a tombstone seen almost directly after that. All I remember for sure is it went something like..
As you are now, I once was too.
But as I am now, you will be soon.
Something to that effect. I probably just butchered it. Next time I go, I'll have to take my camera and take a picture of it.
I don't know if it's being faced with mortality or what, but it was a good thing overall, because I realized that I used to kind of want to die so that others wouldn't have to, and just so that it would be over...and now? Now I want to live. Now I am terrified of dying. My goal in life has become to raise that child into a decent human being. It was a direction I needed. It made some of my life clearer, but other parts more murky. I was thankful all over again for my child, as exasperating as he may be sometimes.
I always wander aimlessly around graveyards and so I wondered why? I should start at one point and make my way to the other end.
I got 3 or 4 rows into it. Just meandering. Reading some inscriptions, wishing I could see under the moss on others. I wouldn't dare touch it to wipe it off though. That would seem sacrilegious.
Now I wonder why it took me this long to realize the difference. I've been in a lot of graveyards since he was born. I even went to a baby's funeral. I was actually sobbing. That's the only way to describe it. A friend of mine had twins, and one of them died. And then she stopped going to visit the other one in the hospital (because they were born too early) and last I heard, they took that baby away. She had moved out of the pregnancy house and in with this older man. And all of the sudden, she couldn't hang out, never wanted to leave the house...I don't know...like big red flags of danger. It didn't feel right. And then she had the twins early and it all went to hell, and I don't, maybe she felt too guilty to mother the other one. Like maybe she just decided...well, I'm not a good mother. Maybe it was a decision of love...I can't tell you how pissed off I was to hear that though. I mean..WTF? That is your CHILD. I just, I can't even fathom.
Very occasionally, I would run across to people buried next to each other who died within days of each other. The romantic in me thinks...aw, they couldn't live without the other one. But the cynic in me just reared it's ugly head and thought...well, yeah, but it could just be a case of disease that wiped out a bunch of people. Who knows, those sorts of things HAPPEN. I even happened upon one on the same day and that made me sad...cause I could only think of something like a car crash or fire or something. One had the daughter dying, the father dying like...4 years after that, and the mother living for a long time afterward. That freaked me out. I would not want to live for a very long time after my child died.
Graveyards make me think of weird thoughts and weird times and all sorts of things. Especially that graveyard. It's my favorite. It's the one I've spent the most time in..from Julie and Caleb half making out at 5 in the morning, and me wishing I was ANYWHERE else..good lord, talk about a third wheel...all the way to today, I've never had a bad time in that graveyard. Tony picked me a flower there once, we all used to go up and visit george, I even slept in that graveyard a time or two. I mentioned it to someone this morning and perhaps that is where the plan started forming. Cause I think it's pretty fucking awesome that somehow I work really close to the same graveyard where I used to hang out too often. Somewhere where I can hang out now when people are pissing me off. Sometimes I like dead people more than alive ones.
I think I'm running a little morbid today, so I'm gonna go eat my late dinner and sit and veg. Maybe some comedy on the TV will make me less morbid. It could happen. Really.
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