A Long Way To Go
The other day I realized that I do not give myself NEARLY enough credit.
I did something nice by picking up some hard cider for Ben, and I was all excited, like GO ME! I remembered which one and everything.
But, I picked the wrong one. There are two, and I can't ever seem to remember which one is the one he likes better.
So I was like...awww.
But you know what? Once upon a time, I would have totally kicked myself for that for about....two weeks. Seriously. I give myself a whole raft of shit when I disappoint myself. But I've gotten better. Cause I was like...aww, but no big deal. He wasn't upset, so why should I be?
This whole line of thought led me to thinking about how only a few months ago, I'd go through these spurts where I was just really down on myself and unnaturally upset over stupid crap. That isn't happening as much anymore. I'm not sure why, it could be all the fantastic sex I've been having and consequently feeling sexier? Maybe it was the birth control? I'm not even sure, but I am just SO happy that I'm not going through that phase where I'm just depressed and don't feel "right", for want of a better word. I've just been feeling really good about myself and not letting others color my view of me.
I guess you could say I feel more "balanced"...I think that is what happens as I get older. Perhaps I just have less time to think things through so much? Cause, really, thinking is what gets me into trouble. I tend to start thinking all this negative crap. And perhaps it only really happens occasionally and it'll happen again soon. I hope not. I hope that I'm just really getting that much better at thinking positively, especially where it concerns myself.
For instance, someone at work who I was getting on really well with all of the sudden won't even look at me. I'm not sure why or what I've done, but I've come to the conclusion that she is just really volatile and it could have been something small and she's totally pissed about it? Why would I want to be friends with her and have her just get angry over something stupid? Normally, I would wonder for AGES about why, and I won't lie. I'm a little curious, but it's not making me feel bad. It's more making me feel like...whoa. I need to be careful who I want to be friends with at work.
Again with the perhaps...perhaps she thinks I'm mad at her? I'm just getting this vibe, so I've been avoiding talking to her, but perhaps I'm being over-sensitive and not talking to her is only making her upset with me? It's not like I'm purposely avoiding her, I'm just not going out of my way to have a long conversation with her. But it's not like we always have a lot to talk about or anything. Maybe it's cause I hate whiny monkey face girl? (sometimes I am REALLY mean, sorry)
See what I mean about the thinking? I over think almost every situation. And yet Ben is patient and just deals with it when my little neuroses crop up. Cause he's really freaking awesome.
I did something nice by picking up some hard cider for Ben, and I was all excited, like GO ME! I remembered which one and everything.
But, I picked the wrong one. There are two, and I can't ever seem to remember which one is the one he likes better.
So I was like...awww.
But you know what? Once upon a time, I would have totally kicked myself for that for about....two weeks. Seriously. I give myself a whole raft of shit when I disappoint myself. But I've gotten better. Cause I was like...aww, but no big deal. He wasn't upset, so why should I be?
This whole line of thought led me to thinking about how only a few months ago, I'd go through these spurts where I was just really down on myself and unnaturally upset over stupid crap. That isn't happening as much anymore. I'm not sure why, it could be all the fantastic sex I've been having and consequently feeling sexier? Maybe it was the birth control? I'm not even sure, but I am just SO happy that I'm not going through that phase where I'm just depressed and don't feel "right", for want of a better word. I've just been feeling really good about myself and not letting others color my view of me.
I guess you could say I feel more "balanced"...I think that is what happens as I get older. Perhaps I just have less time to think things through so much? Cause, really, thinking is what gets me into trouble. I tend to start thinking all this negative crap. And perhaps it only really happens occasionally and it'll happen again soon. I hope not. I hope that I'm just really getting that much better at thinking positively, especially where it concerns myself.
For instance, someone at work who I was getting on really well with all of the sudden won't even look at me. I'm not sure why or what I've done, but I've come to the conclusion that she is just really volatile and it could have been something small and she's totally pissed about it? Why would I want to be friends with her and have her just get angry over something stupid? Normally, I would wonder for AGES about why, and I won't lie. I'm a little curious, but it's not making me feel bad. It's more making me feel like...whoa. I need to be careful who I want to be friends with at work.
Again with the perhaps...perhaps she thinks I'm mad at her? I'm just getting this vibe, so I've been avoiding talking to her, but perhaps I'm being over-sensitive and not talking to her is only making her upset with me? It's not like I'm purposely avoiding her, I'm just not going out of my way to have a long conversation with her. But it's not like we always have a lot to talk about or anything. Maybe it's cause I hate whiny monkey face girl? (sometimes I am REALLY mean, sorry)
See what I mean about the thinking? I over think almost every situation. And yet Ben is patient and just deals with it when my little neuroses crop up. Cause he's really freaking awesome.
Comments
It seemed to work.