Boredom
Well, boredom makes you do crazy things. What I should be doing is working, but after checking a friends blog for the thousandth (exaggerating, of course) time and finding nothing new, I decided to share my own thoughts. Not that I will be able to post all the time because I am too busy and my life isn't terribly exciting. But, I thought I could use this as my own diary. And it shouldn't matter because I plan to tell no one about it.
I really have no avenue for letting my thoughts out. Occasionally, I talk to people, but I never go very deep for fear of being labeled "crazy".
I do my best to "project" confidence and it actually works in most instances, except when I am being truthful with myself and then I usually feel less than confident. To put it a nice way. I know everyone is plagued by doubts and insecurities, it is just that some people hide it better than others. For awhile now, I have been having these crazy ideas, like I need a baby.. My son is 7 now and I keep feeling like if I don't have another soon, I never will.
For some background, I am only 24, but he has sped up my life and I feel about 34 and freaked out by the fact that I am not married, and have no ability to determine if I really need another child enough to dump my boyfriend who keeps saying "I might never want to have a kid" Might???? What kind of crap is that? I've been with this guy for almost 4 years (the longest either of us have ever been with anyone(he is not my child's father, incidentally)), and no talk of commitment.
He helps me out a lot and seems like he genuinely loves me, and most of the time I can suppress these feelings, but society has informed me that I am not good enough because he doesn't want to marry me or have a kid with me, or move in with me.
Now I know that marriage does not make things perfect (my own mother was married 3 times, and she was never as happy as I am) but it doesn't seem to get all the way through to finally make me feel better about it. So, I try not to dwell on it, but I think about it far to often.
I realize that my life is a hell of a lot better than it could be. I used to be homeless, or else live with above mentioned mother and stepfather (who is the devil). They both caused far too much stress, but I chose being homeless over my mother and he who shall not be named. (oops, too late for that) Now, I have a good job and health insurance and a great duplex. So, why can't I be happy?
And I know anyone who reads this will have a hard time believing it, but I try like hell to be far more upbeat most of the time.
Hey, maybe I need Prozac ;P
I really have no avenue for letting my thoughts out. Occasionally, I talk to people, but I never go very deep for fear of being labeled "crazy".
I do my best to "project" confidence and it actually works in most instances, except when I am being truthful with myself and then I usually feel less than confident. To put it a nice way. I know everyone is plagued by doubts and insecurities, it is just that some people hide it better than others. For awhile now, I have been having these crazy ideas, like I need a baby.. My son is 7 now and I keep feeling like if I don't have another soon, I never will.
For some background, I am only 24, but he has sped up my life and I feel about 34 and freaked out by the fact that I am not married, and have no ability to determine if I really need another child enough to dump my boyfriend who keeps saying "I might never want to have a kid" Might???? What kind of crap is that? I've been with this guy for almost 4 years (the longest either of us have ever been with anyone(he is not my child's father, incidentally)), and no talk of commitment.
He helps me out a lot and seems like he genuinely loves me, and most of the time I can suppress these feelings, but society has informed me that I am not good enough because he doesn't want to marry me or have a kid with me, or move in with me.
Now I know that marriage does not make things perfect (my own mother was married 3 times, and she was never as happy as I am) but it doesn't seem to get all the way through to finally make me feel better about it. So, I try not to dwell on it, but I think about it far to often.
I realize that my life is a hell of a lot better than it could be. I used to be homeless, or else live with above mentioned mother and stepfather (who is the devil). They both caused far too much stress, but I chose being homeless over my mother and he who shall not be named. (oops, too late for that) Now, I have a good job and health insurance and a great duplex. So, why can't I be happy?
And I know anyone who reads this will have a hard time believing it, but I try like hell to be far more upbeat most of the time.
Hey, maybe I need Prozac ;P
Comments
Different people have different ideas.
Funnily enough, I spent an inordinate amount of time trying to make sure that my name did not appear anywhere on the site, just so I can bitch. But I am so not worried about you reading it.
Anywho, this is entirely entertaining and now I don't have to live vicariously. Most of my thoughts about my gripes with life are that it will happen if it is meant to be. It is about as religious as I get. Believing in fate (almost a "higher power") keeps me from going crazy, or being seriously bummed about life.