Why? (I realize I am a whiny bitch sometimes)
Every time I drink anything today I have had to pee. It's discouraging. I don't like having to pee this much. It makes me worried about pregnancy, when for all intents and purposes, Depo should be doing to worrying for me.
Stupid bitch Depo.
My long weekend was fun, marred only by my bad attitude when I was cleaning. But, OH is my bathroom CLEAN. Jenn brought me the most awesome tiny ninja ever. It had become the ninja-frog because when you hold it like it's on it's back, it looks kind of like Kermit. Then you flip it and it's a ninja. It makes sense really. What better way to hide than to become a mere frog? Ninjas are sneaky like that.
However, I am not sneaky enough to be a ninja. I'm loud and abrasive, and can't look like a frog no matter how I try.
In an effort to bring myself out of the birthday funk that came from my family forgetting me (one sister said happy birthday, and it was a comment on myspace. No phone calls, no cards. It's not like I've never forgotten a birthday, but dammit! When I forget I am one person, when THEY forget it's the whole damn family. My dad did send me a check, and a stupid card, as did my Grandpa, which was an unexpected surprise. It was a great birthday in terms of being with MY family. Ben and Derek. We had fun. They were nice to me, it all worked out ok. I'm still pissed about the rest of my family. My sister's birthday is TWO DAYS BEFORE MINE. Are you telling me that no one can remember that? Hers might be the birthday I remember easiest. Oh well.)
Where was I?
Oh, in an effort to bring myself out of the funk and just decide that I don't need them, I decided to have Sidney come over, and maybe Jesse. I am not hoping for much, and the only reason I'm even inviting anyone over is because Sidney was sad that I didn't call her for my birthday. She's maybe the nicest person I know. Not a mean bone in her body, so I figured, hey, I'll have her and Jesse over. It'll be a mini-party. I've given up on a full blown party, cause I am too lazy and do not want to issue a bunch of invites, only to have no one show up. I'm not exaggerating, it's happened before.
This morning I decided to hell with it, I'll put out a bulletin on MySpace. Maybe I'll actually get a turn out for my un-planned party. Maybe that's the key, I can't plan it or it won't turn out the way I want. I don't have dinner, I don't have much alcohol, I don't have a huge place, but you never know. Maybe MySpace will actually do something good in my life for a change.
I should know better, really.
Within hours of issuing the bulletin, I get a message and then notice something on my bulletin board about Liz' birthday party. She sent me the message, Paul posted something on the bulletins about it. I'm not even sure it's an invite, it might be more of a warning. Like, hey, I'm doing a much better party and you're screwed. Yes, I am more than likely being childish and stupid about this, but the timing seems a little off. I should realize that I'm just paranoid and the Queen of bad timing.
I'm so freaking irritated. She got my ex, the wedding, another baby, and now she even gets a better birthday than me. Jesse is pretty much assured to be going to it, since they are going to have Wii's playing on 3 different TVs. I've issued him a warning, and a pathetic plea for help. I mean, do I smell bad? My own ex roommate is pregnant and I was only made aware from a comment she left on someone else's page. I was a new mother when we lived together, but she doesn't let me know. Doesn't ask my opinion, doesn't even care enough to say something.
Coming on the heels of my mother and sisters forgetting my birthday, it's just another blow to my self esteem. I'm hoping it was an invite, I'm hoping that it wasn't a "rubbing my face" in it thing. I know better than to think I could actually go. The only way I could is if I decide to call off my thing, let Ben and Derek go to Friday Night Magic, and then go by myself. To my ex and his wife's house. People who I haven't seen since I got mad at them for making out in my hallway and leaving her daughter with me while she kept asking for her mom during Derek's birthday party.
I'd be nervous. I'm not even sure I want to go. Maybe they would just annoy me by looking at each other? I haven't had a lot of experience hanging out with them together, so I have no idea if I would just be pissed off the whole time or what.
Experience has taught me that unless I have my Ben, I don't have good times at parties. I used to just end up alone, in a corner. I'd come out occasionally to laugh at something or other, but I didn't know what to offer when it comes to conversation. I was always sad at the end of these parties. Parties that I throw? A different thing entirely. I guess I feel like I'm the center of attention, so I don't have to be? Maybe the act of checking on all my people keeps me entertained? Or maybe it's just that my girl friends are so awesome that they don't leave me to myself?
And any time I've gone to a party since I've had Ben, I just go find him if I am sad or feeling lonely. He is my rock. Without him to go with me, I doubt very much that I could suck up the courage.
Maybe my being brave and asking people (even if it's only over MySpace) over was all for nothing?
Stupid bitch Depo.
My long weekend was fun, marred only by my bad attitude when I was cleaning. But, OH is my bathroom CLEAN. Jenn brought me the most awesome tiny ninja ever. It had become the ninja-frog because when you hold it like it's on it's back, it looks kind of like Kermit. Then you flip it and it's a ninja. It makes sense really. What better way to hide than to become a mere frog? Ninjas are sneaky like that.
However, I am not sneaky enough to be a ninja. I'm loud and abrasive, and can't look like a frog no matter how I try.
In an effort to bring myself out of the birthday funk that came from my family forgetting me (one sister said happy birthday, and it was a comment on myspace. No phone calls, no cards. It's not like I've never forgotten a birthday, but dammit! When I forget I am one person, when THEY forget it's the whole damn family. My dad did send me a check, and a stupid card, as did my Grandpa, which was an unexpected surprise. It was a great birthday in terms of being with MY family. Ben and Derek. We had fun. They were nice to me, it all worked out ok. I'm still pissed about the rest of my family. My sister's birthday is TWO DAYS BEFORE MINE. Are you telling me that no one can remember that? Hers might be the birthday I remember easiest. Oh well.)
Where was I?
Oh, in an effort to bring myself out of the funk and just decide that I don't need them, I decided to have Sidney come over, and maybe Jesse. I am not hoping for much, and the only reason I'm even inviting anyone over is because Sidney was sad that I didn't call her for my birthday. She's maybe the nicest person I know. Not a mean bone in her body, so I figured, hey, I'll have her and Jesse over. It'll be a mini-party. I've given up on a full blown party, cause I am too lazy and do not want to issue a bunch of invites, only to have no one show up. I'm not exaggerating, it's happened before.
This morning I decided to hell with it, I'll put out a bulletin on MySpace. Maybe I'll actually get a turn out for my un-planned party. Maybe that's the key, I can't plan it or it won't turn out the way I want. I don't have dinner, I don't have much alcohol, I don't have a huge place, but you never know. Maybe MySpace will actually do something good in my life for a change.
I should know better, really.
Within hours of issuing the bulletin, I get a message and then notice something on my bulletin board about Liz' birthday party. She sent me the message, Paul posted something on the bulletins about it. I'm not even sure it's an invite, it might be more of a warning. Like, hey, I'm doing a much better party and you're screwed. Yes, I am more than likely being childish and stupid about this, but the timing seems a little off. I should realize that I'm just paranoid and the Queen of bad timing.
I'm so freaking irritated. She got my ex, the wedding, another baby, and now she even gets a better birthday than me. Jesse is pretty much assured to be going to it, since they are going to have Wii's playing on 3 different TVs. I've issued him a warning, and a pathetic plea for help. I mean, do I smell bad? My own ex roommate is pregnant and I was only made aware from a comment she left on someone else's page. I was a new mother when we lived together, but she doesn't let me know. Doesn't ask my opinion, doesn't even care enough to say something.
Coming on the heels of my mother and sisters forgetting my birthday, it's just another blow to my self esteem. I'm hoping it was an invite, I'm hoping that it wasn't a "rubbing my face" in it thing. I know better than to think I could actually go. The only way I could is if I decide to call off my thing, let Ben and Derek go to Friday Night Magic, and then go by myself. To my ex and his wife's house. People who I haven't seen since I got mad at them for making out in my hallway and leaving her daughter with me while she kept asking for her mom during Derek's birthday party.
I'd be nervous. I'm not even sure I want to go. Maybe they would just annoy me by looking at each other? I haven't had a lot of experience hanging out with them together, so I have no idea if I would just be pissed off the whole time or what.
Experience has taught me that unless I have my Ben, I don't have good times at parties. I used to just end up alone, in a corner. I'd come out occasionally to laugh at something or other, but I didn't know what to offer when it comes to conversation. I was always sad at the end of these parties. Parties that I throw? A different thing entirely. I guess I feel like I'm the center of attention, so I don't have to be? Maybe the act of checking on all my people keeps me entertained? Or maybe it's just that my girl friends are so awesome that they don't leave me to myself?
And any time I've gone to a party since I've had Ben, I just go find him if I am sad or feeling lonely. He is my rock. Without him to go with me, I doubt very much that I could suck up the courage.
Maybe my being brave and asking people (even if it's only over MySpace) over was all for nothing?
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