I think you are the one for me, here is where you want to be.

(Disclaimer: I don't talk much about my boyfriend here, because most of it is venting, and I think it leans towards him always doing something wrong, when he really doesn't. I'm not looking for advice really, cause no one knows us, no one really knows how we are. Unless someone has lived with him for years and years, I don't think I'm gonna get any sort of insight. I'm just venting. I'm just getting it out before I let it poison my emotions.)

Had another one of those dreams last night.
The one where I tell someone that I'm leaving my boyfriend, or at least intimate that I will.
In any case, the guy in the dream was a completely fictional character from one of my soaps. So it feels safer than my dreams where idiot ex-boyfriend prevailed. It's helped me a LOT to realize he's a pretentious ass. His MySpace page even says he "is the elite geek". But you know, spelled like L33T.
Cause he's SO on top of web speak and the internet. Yet I don't see him making his own web page or even making his own MySpace profile layout. He's no more "elite" than I. I hate it when people think they know everything.

As with most entries this started out one way and veered dangerously off course.

Then I dreamed I was at work, telling someone about my weird dream, and then I really woke up.
My problem with the dream? I think I said something like "I always knew it wouldn't work out", which isn't f-ing true at all.
I FEAR it won't work out. I fear us falling apart in tough times. I'm not sure how much I should even say her, but this much I can tell you.
At my birthday non-party (which went fabulously!) he got pretty drunk. Drunk to the point of not remembering much of anything.
Luckily, I didn't. He spilled one of my drinks and I managed to kick over another which probably saved my ass. It did not save my melancholy though. I put on my newest CD cause I wanted to hear it. I listened to most of it and then he was like, you changed it (from our party mix), so I can change it. I understand, I really do. Sometimes, when you are drunk, all you want is to listen to your music. But his damn songs take SO long, and I get bored. My ADD only allows me to listen to pop songs that only last for about 4 minutes.
We were talking about life in general. I don't even remember exactly what, but whenever we talk about our lives, I realize how different we are.
We come from entirely different places in life. He comes from at least middle class, I've never been anything but lower. It's so rare for us to actually have something in common that I worry. On this occasion, I was just drunk enough to blurt out, "Do you think we're TOO different?".
He said no.
But he also said other things that now I know he doesn't even remember.
Jesse brought up how he is already saving money for a vasectomy.
GOD BLESS JESSE, SERIOUSLY. I'd been wondering how to broach the subject, cause I am SICK of all this birth control nonsense.
And we were kind of talking about it and AGAIN, I worked up my liquid courage and said, "So, when are YOU going to take care of the birth control?", he shot back with, "When can you pay for it?"
It may have come out wrong in his drunken state. I hope he meant when can WE pay for it, but that's not what came out.
I know he doesn't have health insurance, but I believe that the place I do to would cover a vasectomy on a sliding scale basis.
To which he replied that that's fine, cause he doesn't ever want any more kids.
Unfortunately, if he doesn't remember that, it doesn't really matter what was said.

What really bothers me about his asking when I can pay for it is because that's always his reasoning for not wanting to ask me to marry him. To ask someone to marry you, you have to be able to support them, he feels. Which is retarded, but that's the way he feels. Ideally, we would support each other.
I would like to feel like I have a family, like I belong somewhere and I think being married would make me feel more like that. Or not. Who knows, really?
Do I really want all that comes with being married? Not necessarily. He has debt I wouldn't want to be liable for, just as I have debt.
It's sad that it has to come into it, but that's what happens when you are poor, teenage, and stupid. Debt.
It would be REALLY nice to not have to worry about any of that bull shit, but my Accounting brain does. I waited so long to have another kid that now I don't even want one.
Will I wait too long to get married and not even want it in the end?
When the hell does he have to compromise then? =p
That's what it comes down to, really. I feel like I'm always compromising (although that's all a matter of perspective huh? He does a LOT for me as well, maybe I just don't think of it as compromising?). I'll like some of his music, but he doesn't really listen to min. I watch a show he likes and MAYBE I can watch CSI.
Do we really not agree enough to be together?
He's fantastic with my kid and that's really the deal breaker. My kid can be a pain in the ass, but he's totally cool with him.
I've been thinking about this ever since I sat outside that night by myself blinking back tears, lying when Ben and Jesse asked if I was all right.
I'm ALWAYS all right.
Can my relationship be all right?
I hope so. I love him, I miss him when I don't see him. I got home last night a little early, and he wasn't there and my house was dark and quiet, and it was weird. I didn't like it. My mind instantly went into disaster mode. Like of course, he's not here, he's dead. I can't wait to see him at the end of the day and share the things that tickle my funny bone (we seem to share a sense of humor, mostly) during the day. The other night I even told him how I always worry about money, which is something I try not to say or let on. I can manage on my own. I don't want to though. I really want us to not have to worry about money, about disagreeing, about everything. I say us, I mean me, cause he's not a worrier. This is my longest relationship ever, I'd like to keep it that way. Too many of the men I used to "date" are pretentious pricks. I don't want to go through that heartache again.
EVER.

All right, it's out, for better or for worse. My boyfriend doesn't suck, I just tend to feel things deeply and that's why I get to out of sorts.
But YAY for getting shit out.