You are my saving grace.
I realized the other day that not everyone actually knows as much about me as I thought they did.
That might be the most confusing sentence I've ever written.
I was listening to the Cranberries and thought of Derek.
I was a wild teenager. I really cared very little about where my life was going, and I cared even less for all these "rules and regulations" that people thought I should follow. Things like going to school, or not sleeping outside on campus, or any other of my many transgressions. I was really a horrible teenager. I was very angry. At just about everything. I used to sit on the parking garage ledge sometimes and look over. Waiting to see if I would fall? I'm not sure. I guess I figured if that's what was going to happen it would. It's my idea of fate.
I didn't really care if I lived or died, or what kind of life I would be left with if I didn't finish school, didn't start following rules, didn't start caring.
All I cared about was having fun. And I know that some people might not necessarily think that's a bad thing. Except who knows where it would have went?
I wouldn't be where I am now if I'd been "allowed" to keep on doing what I was doing.
Instead, I did something else stupid and got pregnant at 16. I do know that this is very much better than if instead, I had gotten some horrible STD that would be with me forever. Pregnancy is a cake walk compared to something like AIDS. I'm very lucky that none of my stupidity really hurt me.
I remember that it was right around this time of year (almost exactly) when I started to realize that my period was late. Something that rarely happened to me at that point. I think I knew at that point. I was HOPING I was wrong, but inside, I knew something was up. I had made an appointment to go in for birth control a week or so earlier, so when I had to go in around the 25th to family planning, they were all set to give me birth control and just have me take it when my period showed up. They did not seem worried at all, but maybe that's because teenagers aren't very regular usually? I told them that I would feel much better if they would go ahead and do a pregnancy test.
I don't think I'll ever forget the look on that woman's face when she came back in the room. It was the saddest look. She told me what I already knew, and you know what? I was ok. I mean, I had pretty much known. I'd made my peace with it before I even went in.
Ben and Michelle went with me. (Ben! It's so weird that my current boyfriend went with me when I found out I was pregnant with Jake's child)
I'd told Jake that I would not be going to class if I was really pregnant. He still didn't "get" it when he saw me later. He'd went to a job interview and so could not go with me to my appointment. I had called the Alternative school to tell them I would not be in and why. I made the mistake of telling the person who answered the phone that I just found out I was pregnant. Probably five minutes later, EVERYONE at school knew? I don't know how long it took, but the next time I was in class, everyone did know.
But back to Jake.
He had not had time to even contemplate the possibility of a child, as I was still very much not sure of him, and didn't feel like I could share the possibility with him. I didn't want him to freak.
He freaked anyway, and asked me something to the effect of...why do I feel like sitting in the middle of the street?
I was so angry, but I should have realized that he just had to adjust.
Instead, all I could think about was how could be possible be such an ass about it? I hadn't even freaked out yet, or cried about it or anything.
We went down to New Roads and I used the phone to call Heather to let her know. It's funny, I think I even said something to the effect of..I'm pregnant and I hadn't even cried yet.
She told me that being pregnant was something to be happy about. I remember that distinctly. She's smart.
I told Jake shortly after that if he wanted to leave, he better do it then. I was going to have this baby, and I was going to be responsible.
It was a scary conversation to have, especially while I was just staying at someone else's house and did not have my own place.
He said he could deal with it, so we went with that.
Every decision from then on was thought out from two perspectives. My baby's first, and mine second. I HATED the idea of living at the pregnancy house (Orchard Inn), I was scared they were going to try and turn me into Christians *gasp*, and I thought they wouldn't really get along with me. Not to mention curfew? And not being able to be out for the weekend without a parent's permission.
But I needed somewhere to live, so I went there. New Roads couldn't keep me indefinitely, so on I went to the house. Where they gave me a job, and all sorts of love. They were good people. They didn't tell me I was awful because I wasn't Christian, they didn't care. They, instead, cared about me and everyone else. My boss there was my favorite boss forever and ever. I wish I was still in contact with her, but no luck.
Even after moving out, they let me work there. Even though they really didn't have the resources to be paying me, they let me work there. I made enough to stay home with Derek until I went to college in fall of '97. They let me BRING HIM WITH ME when I was working, so that was pretty much the most awesome situation of all.
They even let me come back that first summer ('98) when I wanted a real break from school. They let me work there for that whole summer.
College was another decision based on my son. What kind of job could I possible get that would support us if I didn't have a degree? Luckily, financial aid was more than happy to help, especially since I had a kid. I'm so glad life worked out that way. I hope that more people who find themselves with kids at a young age are able to do the same thing. Getting financial aid made it possible to go to school. I'm not stupid, and held a good GPA at college, but not caring in high school didn't exactly get me good grades or any hope for a scholarship.
Then I guess we come to my last decision made largely due to factoring in my child to my life. And that was moving out of the apartment Jake and I shared. We had a stupid argument one night, over Derek not finishing his dinner (he wasn't even 2 yet). I thought it was stupid, Jake thought he should. (We never really did agree on the parenting issues) I took Derek out of his high chair to leave the room, cause I don't fight with people, I will instead leave the room. I don't do well arguing. I get too emotional, and I'm not about to give anyone that kind of control over me. I had Derek out of the chair when Jake kicked the high chair and put a hole in the kitchen wall.
I went straight to Derek's room with Derek and cried. This made Jake angrier. He wanted someone to fight with, and any sort of display of physical anger just frightens me, so I ran away. This just made me recall that I remember when I was 1 (?) or so. I remember that there was a big storm with lightening and I was in my crib and scared. My mom and dad were fighting and somehow that just made me more scared.
And then all I could think about was how Derek could possibly remember this someday. Would remember his mom crying while his dad wreaked havoc on the house.
THAT was the moment I knew I had to move out. I had to be on my own. I couldn't deal with that kind of anger. Ben doesn't get angry.
I should rephrase that. Ben gets angry, but Ben doesn't EVER get physically angry.
I had to tell Jake right before his birthday...I think it was his 19th birthday? I felt bad, but I couldn't do anything about the timing. All I could do was save me and save Derek.
Maybe even save Jake to a point. I mean, he's married now, and they have Lily and everything seems to be going great for them. I think they are a much better "fit" than Jake and I ever were.
Those 3 little decisions really have led me to where I am today and it just boggles my mind. They don't seem like big decisions now, but they really shaped my life.
I'm not even sure what's got me thinking about this, except maybe that it's been about 10 years since I've been thinking about more than myself in my life. A whole decade that I've been thinking about my baby and worrying that I don't do anything awful to mess his life up. Worrying how his life will turn out, how he'll turn out.
Cause he may only be 9, but you are a mother the instant you get pregnant, so I'm counting the whole time that I knew I was pregnant.
I just wanted to make sure that people realize that I really do know how lucky I am. That I know that Derek might have well saved my life.
God, this entry is so gushy. On that note, I'm done. Perhaps you'll get an anniversary post this weekend. Not sure yet. I believe I did an anniversary post last year, so I don't want to just repeat myself. I'll have to really think it out, and just make it about the last year.
Or maybe about how Ben and I met. Which is kind of funny. =)
I think so anyhow.
That might be the most confusing sentence I've ever written.
I was listening to the Cranberries and thought of Derek.
I was a wild teenager. I really cared very little about where my life was going, and I cared even less for all these "rules and regulations" that people thought I should follow. Things like going to school, or not sleeping outside on campus, or any other of my many transgressions. I was really a horrible teenager. I was very angry. At just about everything. I used to sit on the parking garage ledge sometimes and look over. Waiting to see if I would fall? I'm not sure. I guess I figured if that's what was going to happen it would. It's my idea of fate.
I didn't really care if I lived or died, or what kind of life I would be left with if I didn't finish school, didn't start following rules, didn't start caring.
All I cared about was having fun. And I know that some people might not necessarily think that's a bad thing. Except who knows where it would have went?
I wouldn't be where I am now if I'd been "allowed" to keep on doing what I was doing.
Instead, I did something else stupid and got pregnant at 16. I do know that this is very much better than if instead, I had gotten some horrible STD that would be with me forever. Pregnancy is a cake walk compared to something like AIDS. I'm very lucky that none of my stupidity really hurt me.
I remember that it was right around this time of year (almost exactly) when I started to realize that my period was late. Something that rarely happened to me at that point. I think I knew at that point. I was HOPING I was wrong, but inside, I knew something was up. I had made an appointment to go in for birth control a week or so earlier, so when I had to go in around the 25th to family planning, they were all set to give me birth control and just have me take it when my period showed up. They did not seem worried at all, but maybe that's because teenagers aren't very regular usually? I told them that I would feel much better if they would go ahead and do a pregnancy test.
I don't think I'll ever forget the look on that woman's face when she came back in the room. It was the saddest look. She told me what I already knew, and you know what? I was ok. I mean, I had pretty much known. I'd made my peace with it before I even went in.
Ben and Michelle went with me. (Ben! It's so weird that my current boyfriend went with me when I found out I was pregnant with Jake's child)
I'd told Jake that I would not be going to class if I was really pregnant. He still didn't "get" it when he saw me later. He'd went to a job interview and so could not go with me to my appointment. I had called the Alternative school to tell them I would not be in and why. I made the mistake of telling the person who answered the phone that I just found out I was pregnant. Probably five minutes later, EVERYONE at school knew? I don't know how long it took, but the next time I was in class, everyone did know.
But back to Jake.
He had not had time to even contemplate the possibility of a child, as I was still very much not sure of him, and didn't feel like I could share the possibility with him. I didn't want him to freak.
He freaked anyway, and asked me something to the effect of...why do I feel like sitting in the middle of the street?
I was so angry, but I should have realized that he just had to adjust.
Instead, all I could think about was how could be possible be such an ass about it? I hadn't even freaked out yet, or cried about it or anything.
We went down to New Roads and I used the phone to call Heather to let her know. It's funny, I think I even said something to the effect of..I'm pregnant and I hadn't even cried yet.
She told me that being pregnant was something to be happy about. I remember that distinctly. She's smart.
I told Jake shortly after that if he wanted to leave, he better do it then. I was going to have this baby, and I was going to be responsible.
It was a scary conversation to have, especially while I was just staying at someone else's house and did not have my own place.
He said he could deal with it, so we went with that.
Every decision from then on was thought out from two perspectives. My baby's first, and mine second. I HATED the idea of living at the pregnancy house (Orchard Inn), I was scared they were going to try and turn me into Christians *gasp*, and I thought they wouldn't really get along with me. Not to mention curfew? And not being able to be out for the weekend without a parent's permission.
But I needed somewhere to live, so I went there. New Roads couldn't keep me indefinitely, so on I went to the house. Where they gave me a job, and all sorts of love. They were good people. They didn't tell me I was awful because I wasn't Christian, they didn't care. They, instead, cared about me and everyone else. My boss there was my favorite boss forever and ever. I wish I was still in contact with her, but no luck.
Even after moving out, they let me work there. Even though they really didn't have the resources to be paying me, they let me work there. I made enough to stay home with Derek until I went to college in fall of '97. They let me BRING HIM WITH ME when I was working, so that was pretty much the most awesome situation of all.
They even let me come back that first summer ('98) when I wanted a real break from school. They let me work there for that whole summer.
College was another decision based on my son. What kind of job could I possible get that would support us if I didn't have a degree? Luckily, financial aid was more than happy to help, especially since I had a kid. I'm so glad life worked out that way. I hope that more people who find themselves with kids at a young age are able to do the same thing. Getting financial aid made it possible to go to school. I'm not stupid, and held a good GPA at college, but not caring in high school didn't exactly get me good grades or any hope for a scholarship.
Then I guess we come to my last decision made largely due to factoring in my child to my life. And that was moving out of the apartment Jake and I shared. We had a stupid argument one night, over Derek not finishing his dinner (he wasn't even 2 yet). I thought it was stupid, Jake thought he should. (We never really did agree on the parenting issues) I took Derek out of his high chair to leave the room, cause I don't fight with people, I will instead leave the room. I don't do well arguing. I get too emotional, and I'm not about to give anyone that kind of control over me. I had Derek out of the chair when Jake kicked the high chair and put a hole in the kitchen wall.
I went straight to Derek's room with Derek and cried. This made Jake angrier. He wanted someone to fight with, and any sort of display of physical anger just frightens me, so I ran away. This just made me recall that I remember when I was 1 (?) or so. I remember that there was a big storm with lightening and I was in my crib and scared. My mom and dad were fighting and somehow that just made me more scared.
And then all I could think about was how Derek could possibly remember this someday. Would remember his mom crying while his dad wreaked havoc on the house.
THAT was the moment I knew I had to move out. I had to be on my own. I couldn't deal with that kind of anger. Ben doesn't get angry.
I should rephrase that. Ben gets angry, but Ben doesn't EVER get physically angry.
I had to tell Jake right before his birthday...I think it was his 19th birthday? I felt bad, but I couldn't do anything about the timing. All I could do was save me and save Derek.
Maybe even save Jake to a point. I mean, he's married now, and they have Lily and everything seems to be going great for them. I think they are a much better "fit" than Jake and I ever were.
Those 3 little decisions really have led me to where I am today and it just boggles my mind. They don't seem like big decisions now, but they really shaped my life.
I'm not even sure what's got me thinking about this, except maybe that it's been about 10 years since I've been thinking about more than myself in my life. A whole decade that I've been thinking about my baby and worrying that I don't do anything awful to mess his life up. Worrying how his life will turn out, how he'll turn out.
Cause he may only be 9, but you are a mother the instant you get pregnant, so I'm counting the whole time that I knew I was pregnant.
I just wanted to make sure that people realize that I really do know how lucky I am. That I know that Derek might have well saved my life.
God, this entry is so gushy. On that note, I'm done. Perhaps you'll get an anniversary post this weekend. Not sure yet. I believe I did an anniversary post last year, so I don't want to just repeat myself. I'll have to really think it out, and just make it about the last year.
Or maybe about how Ben and I met. Which is kind of funny. =)
I think so anyhow.
Comments
And I was like HELL YEAH. Apparently, I don't make it known that my kid is a miracle. Little else would have made me fly "straight", for want of a better phrase.