Fat girls rock!
I have a crush people! I LOVE this girl.
This girl is my HERO.
She's so freaking right. Strangers probably don't talk to me cause I avoid all eye contact. I don't necessarily LIKE talking to people I don't know. If someone engages me, I like to think I'm fairly "good" at being nice and even gregarious. Some days I'm even funny.
But mostly, I don't really make an effort to talk to people. And I always think...well, they probably are like..jeez, she's so fat.
And you know what? Some people ARE gonna be like that. Screw them. They'll never know how awesome I can be.
And all those boyfriends who left me or cheated on me? I was LESS fat then than I am now, and my boyfriend DOESN'T care. He's not gonna leave me for that.
I especially liked the part where she talked about how she blamed her fat for EVERYTHING, cause there couldn't possibly be anything else wrong with her.
How stuck up is that? I hadn't really realized it. Also, my poor fat. It's gets blamed for everything. A couple of weekends ago Karina and Jenn and Airie went out with another person who I didn't know. All I did know was that we were going to end up at a hot tub. I wasn't sure I could be fat in front of this person I didn't know. I'm just not the type to be like..hi, I just met you, here are my boobs.
Granted, there was more to my refusal to go than that. It was our anniversary weekend and I didn't want to be like...yeah, can I leave?
It's funny, cause even now part of me is like..it's easy for her to say, she's only 224 pounds. I'm more. And even though that girl in the video said to just say it, I can't even just type it. She's not AS fat as me, so it's fine for her.
I weighed less than 200 until I got pregnant. I thought I was so fat. With my little belly. So maybe even if I still weighed that much, I would feel the same. Probably. I gained 60 while pregnant. I gained even more afterwards. I have shitty eating habits. I don't work out, hardly at all. I do a decent amount of walking. At least in terms of today's world. I don't have a car, I walk to and from bus stops, all around downtown sometimes. I figure every little bit helps. It's just hard to really reason with my fat head. Cause that's all that floats around. I LOVE swimming, and I don't hardly ever do it. I don't feel comfortable in a bathing suit, which is dumb, since the minute your clothes get wet, they stick to your skin anyhow. No matter how much "fat-hiding" you thought about while dressing. No matter how baggy your shirt is. No matter how long it is.
For YEARS, I would not show my ass. Every shirt I owned covered my ass fully. I'm getting slowly past that. I mean...it didn't even make sense. The shirt would just be stretched over my ass anyhow, so it's not like my ass just ceased to exist when I wore baggy, long clothes.
I guess I'm just wondering if I'll even be comfortable inside my own skin, and inside my head. If I'll ever just be ok with me.
What if I lose a bunch of weight and than the size D boobs are just flat? I guess it wouldn't matter when my clothes were on. And it's not like that's the only thing that's keeping me fat, or keeping me from being healthier (by eating better and actually exercising). I'm pretty sure I'll always be fat, at least to the rest of the public. It's just another excuse. Another thing my head makes up so that my heart will feel better about being a lazy bastard.
What I really don't get is that I am fat, I know it, you know it, everyone can SEE it. So why when I mention being fat in front of certain people do they demure to me? Say things like...you're not really fat. I AM REALLY FAT. Would you like me to be naked so you could see how fat? On one hand, I'm glad that my friends don't seem me as a fat girl. They just see ME, not my weight. On the other hand, I just...I don't know. I mean, I'm trying to come to terms with it and be ok saying I'm fat, and then someone tells me I'm not.
I don't know. I think I need to work on being comfortable wearing whatever I want. Like a sleeveless shirt? I DON'T, not outside my house. Even if I did, I think I'd be too afraid to lift my arms up and then you could see my arm fat. But other people do it, and no one points at them and laughs.
Who cares if they did? Some people suck. That's just the way life is.
I'm just going around in circles now. I'm trying to explain how I feel about my fat. And the truth is, I don't know how I feel about it. Sometimes I feel comforted. Cause at least I could be bigger than someone who might try to overpower me for whatever reason. Sometimes I feel disgusted. Sometimes I just play with it, and mush it together. Sometimes I worry too much about how this shirt looks, and if my fat shows through it. Sometimes I don't even think about it at all.
Those are the best times. I mean, who wants to live life defined by their fat?
I guess that's what the absolutely amazing girl in this video was trying to get at. That sounds about like a life lesson. I need to work on it, like most other life lessons I've learned. Hopefully I can take to it as easily as I took to accounting.
This girl is my HERO.
She's so freaking right. Strangers probably don't talk to me cause I avoid all eye contact. I don't necessarily LIKE talking to people I don't know. If someone engages me, I like to think I'm fairly "good" at being nice and even gregarious. Some days I'm even funny.
But mostly, I don't really make an effort to talk to people. And I always think...well, they probably are like..jeez, she's so fat.
And you know what? Some people ARE gonna be like that. Screw them. They'll never know how awesome I can be.
And all those boyfriends who left me or cheated on me? I was LESS fat then than I am now, and my boyfriend DOESN'T care. He's not gonna leave me for that.
I especially liked the part where she talked about how she blamed her fat for EVERYTHING, cause there couldn't possibly be anything else wrong with her.
How stuck up is that? I hadn't really realized it. Also, my poor fat. It's gets blamed for everything. A couple of weekends ago Karina and Jenn and Airie went out with another person who I didn't know. All I did know was that we were going to end up at a hot tub. I wasn't sure I could be fat in front of this person I didn't know. I'm just not the type to be like..hi, I just met you, here are my boobs.
Granted, there was more to my refusal to go than that. It was our anniversary weekend and I didn't want to be like...yeah, can I leave?
It's funny, cause even now part of me is like..it's easy for her to say, she's only 224 pounds. I'm more. And even though that girl in the video said to just say it, I can't even just type it. She's not AS fat as me, so it's fine for her.
I weighed less than 200 until I got pregnant. I thought I was so fat. With my little belly. So maybe even if I still weighed that much, I would feel the same. Probably. I gained 60 while pregnant. I gained even more afterwards. I have shitty eating habits. I don't work out, hardly at all. I do a decent amount of walking. At least in terms of today's world. I don't have a car, I walk to and from bus stops, all around downtown sometimes. I figure every little bit helps. It's just hard to really reason with my fat head. Cause that's all that floats around. I LOVE swimming, and I don't hardly ever do it. I don't feel comfortable in a bathing suit, which is dumb, since the minute your clothes get wet, they stick to your skin anyhow. No matter how much "fat-hiding" you thought about while dressing. No matter how baggy your shirt is. No matter how long it is.
For YEARS, I would not show my ass. Every shirt I owned covered my ass fully. I'm getting slowly past that. I mean...it didn't even make sense. The shirt would just be stretched over my ass anyhow, so it's not like my ass just ceased to exist when I wore baggy, long clothes.
I guess I'm just wondering if I'll even be comfortable inside my own skin, and inside my head. If I'll ever just be ok with me.
What if I lose a bunch of weight and than the size D boobs are just flat? I guess it wouldn't matter when my clothes were on. And it's not like that's the only thing that's keeping me fat, or keeping me from being healthier (by eating better and actually exercising). I'm pretty sure I'll always be fat, at least to the rest of the public. It's just another excuse. Another thing my head makes up so that my heart will feel better about being a lazy bastard.
What I really don't get is that I am fat, I know it, you know it, everyone can SEE it. So why when I mention being fat in front of certain people do they demure to me? Say things like...you're not really fat. I AM REALLY FAT. Would you like me to be naked so you could see how fat? On one hand, I'm glad that my friends don't seem me as a fat girl. They just see ME, not my weight. On the other hand, I just...I don't know. I mean, I'm trying to come to terms with it and be ok saying I'm fat, and then someone tells me I'm not.
I don't know. I think I need to work on being comfortable wearing whatever I want. Like a sleeveless shirt? I DON'T, not outside my house. Even if I did, I think I'd be too afraid to lift my arms up and then you could see my arm fat. But other people do it, and no one points at them and laughs.
Who cares if they did? Some people suck. That's just the way life is.
I'm just going around in circles now. I'm trying to explain how I feel about my fat. And the truth is, I don't know how I feel about it. Sometimes I feel comforted. Cause at least I could be bigger than someone who might try to overpower me for whatever reason. Sometimes I feel disgusted. Sometimes I just play with it, and mush it together. Sometimes I worry too much about how this shirt looks, and if my fat shows through it. Sometimes I don't even think about it at all.
Those are the best times. I mean, who wants to live life defined by their fat?
I guess that's what the absolutely amazing girl in this video was trying to get at. That sounds about like a life lesson. I need to work on it, like most other life lessons I've learned. Hopefully I can take to it as easily as I took to accounting.
Comments
You are FUCKING awesome, and that's how that worked. =)
But seriously, if you figure out the magic thing that made you lose weight, let me know. =)
I drink sugar free soda with my rum. I don't drink soda much otherwise, though I did have a coke float the other day.
My coffee is probably pretty bad. I don't measure, I just pour creamer and suger.
And I think some people have more of a fashion sense than I, so yes, they will look better or have better clothes. I spend most of my time in jeans and t-shirts. Not exactly fashion forward. Would it be any different if I were skinny? Probably not. I think some people just have "it" and some don't.
I should just be glad that I can put on make-up and get all "prettied-up" and not look retarded. I mean, I taught myself to put on make-up, and it works out. I guess my real problem is I don't care enough to put time into it. I care that I might not look as good as some, but I don't have time to get my nails done (or money), I don't want to "do" my hair everyday. Not any more than I do anyhow. I don't want to wear make-up everyday.
Everytime I look at someone who might be close to my size, I'll be like...oh, those are cute. And then I notice their perfectly coiffed hair, and their acrylic nails, and I just don't have time.
As usual, I'm not making much sense here. I don't think anyone can make me feel better about my body, I think I have to do it. Honestly, most days I don't really think about it. Until someone stares at me for some reason, or something else. Than I'm like..it's cause I'm fat. That's why.
Which is more than likely wrong.
What's funny is that sometimes I have confidence in spades. Just not always. =)