Nothing's right, I'm torn
My sisters aren't coming.
I've gone from petulant (I hope they NEVER visit) to depressed to sad, to keeping a stiff upper lip to not even caring and all the way back to petulant. I'm not even sure they would have mentioned it if I hadn't asked about the weather up there and if it was gonna impede the trip. I actually kind of believe they would have waited as long as they could until telling me. Like I would get all hysterical on them or something. Right, like I LET my family know how I feel. I'm raw. I wanted to see them, and now there are so many excuses. What it comes down to, is that with my family, I can't ever believe. I had hoped my sister was trustworthy, but after all the planning and my switching crap around for my vacation days, it turns out she isn't. I'm sad. And sure that I'll never see my family again. I could visit them, except I don't have a car, and I sure as hell don't have money for a plane trip. Especially not for Derek and myself. That's two air fares. There's a Greyhound, but I would end up spending 6 of 7 days on it, going to and fro. Seriously. I know it doesn't seem possible. I've researched it until I can't anymore. Even if I had Greyhound money and the vacation time to make it worthwhile, I don't have the money to stay in hotels.
Not to mention that would put me back in the same state with my stepfather. And I don't know what might happen. God knows what I might say, or what I might do. I hate him that much. I want my child to have NOTHING to do with him. I was mad when he brought the kids to visit us in the hospital. I did want to see them, but what business of it was his to come into my hospital room? I hadn't really thought about it until now, but I'm sure I felt disturbed and threatened. I felt vulnerable. Especially as I'm pretty sure I'd not been in the man's presence without my mother since I had ran away. I did that on purpose. Even if we all played the game where we pretend we don't know what's going on, he couldn't have very well touched me or even talked to me (I have that much distaste for the man) with her there. Even though she knew. Knows.
I can't number how many times she said.."I don't know how we would have made it without Mike". To make me feel less antagonistic...towards my molestor. Sure. That makes sense.
I'm just so damn disappointed. I had hoped that my sisters were more reliable and trustworthy than our mother.
I should have known better.
They don't know any better. They don't know how sad I am. I play it off like I'm alright. I don't have feelings. I've been thinking this out for a bit now. I found out last Thursday and I've thought about it ever since. I think they don't make more of an effort because they think that I am "normal" and well adjusted, and able to handle everything on my own. They need me to need them before I'll see them. And I'm not ready to give up that much of myself. It would only hurt more if they "rejected" me, or didn't come through.
I half wonder if it's not why I've never been married or even asked. Perhaps I have to pretend that I'm needy? I mean...I am needy, but I don't need anyone to "save" me, or take care of me. Maybe men need that? Maybe everyone needs someone to take care of? I often feel like...why the hell am I "taking care" of someone else's crap? I'm not their mother. I have my own kid thank you. I can take care of him. I don't need more on top of that.
My thoughts on this are further evidenced as how I've seen my mother get married 3 times, and she's always NEEDED a man. She didn't ever take care of us that I remember. Maybe once, when I was a LOT younger. I'm lying, she took care of us in that she made sure some man was around to provide for us. Too bad some of those men turned out to be child molesters.
So maybe I should be glad I've never been married? If that's the example I get, perhaps I'm better off.
I just so wanted to see my very grown up sisters. It's been 8 years, how much longer do I have to wait? I won't lie, I was intimidated. Worried that I wouldn't measure up to these people who are different now than when I was the big sister who was so smart and funny. Worried that they would find my life and me...wanting? Worried that they would think I'm just wasting my life and being as stupid as our mother?
I don't even know, cause I don't know them. I'm not even sure it would have felt close, like it used to. I might have just felt like...well, now I have to impress these people, because that is what you do. No doubt we have different views on things. Maybe they would think I was a terrible mother. I don't know. Now I may never know, cause who knows when they will visit.
Any one of the reasons they gave would be valid, but I find it kind of suspicious that EVERYONE had a reason. Aspen is pregnant (I understand); Misty and Angie are trying to save money to move in together (again, understandable); Michael got an MIP. Everyone has some sort of excuse. So, instead she says late May, early June. When I won't have any money and if they are saving to move in together, how will they?
She mentioned things like the zoo and this and that. The zoo in PORTLAND, for chrissakes. Which costs more money. I feel like by the time they do get here, I'm going to be so broke, it won't matter if they want to do things. It's not like I even really believe that they will be visiting then. It's hard to believe it now.
And people wonder why I have trust issues? Over the weekend, I had a dream that Ben was going back to "his" house...you know, that place where he DOESN'T LIVE? I'm sure in the dream he was going home for the night, but wouldn't give me any reason as to why. I was just as sure that if he left, I'd never see him again. Did my feelings of abandonment bring out the dream? I don't even know, but I think it's likely.
I've gone from petulant (I hope they NEVER visit) to depressed to sad, to keeping a stiff upper lip to not even caring and all the way back to petulant. I'm not even sure they would have mentioned it if I hadn't asked about the weather up there and if it was gonna impede the trip. I actually kind of believe they would have waited as long as they could until telling me. Like I would get all hysterical on them or something. Right, like I LET my family know how I feel. I'm raw. I wanted to see them, and now there are so many excuses. What it comes down to, is that with my family, I can't ever believe. I had hoped my sister was trustworthy, but after all the planning and my switching crap around for my vacation days, it turns out she isn't. I'm sad. And sure that I'll never see my family again. I could visit them, except I don't have a car, and I sure as hell don't have money for a plane trip. Especially not for Derek and myself. That's two air fares. There's a Greyhound, but I would end up spending 6 of 7 days on it, going to and fro. Seriously. I know it doesn't seem possible. I've researched it until I can't anymore. Even if I had Greyhound money and the vacation time to make it worthwhile, I don't have the money to stay in hotels.
Not to mention that would put me back in the same state with my stepfather. And I don't know what might happen. God knows what I might say, or what I might do. I hate him that much. I want my child to have NOTHING to do with him. I was mad when he brought the kids to visit us in the hospital. I did want to see them, but what business of it was his to come into my hospital room? I hadn't really thought about it until now, but I'm sure I felt disturbed and threatened. I felt vulnerable. Especially as I'm pretty sure I'd not been in the man's presence without my mother since I had ran away. I did that on purpose. Even if we all played the game where we pretend we don't know what's going on, he couldn't have very well touched me or even talked to me (I have that much distaste for the man) with her there. Even though she knew. Knows.
I can't number how many times she said.."I don't know how we would have made it without Mike". To make me feel less antagonistic...towards my molestor. Sure. That makes sense.
I'm just so damn disappointed. I had hoped that my sisters were more reliable and trustworthy than our mother.
I should have known better.
They don't know any better. They don't know how sad I am. I play it off like I'm alright. I don't have feelings. I've been thinking this out for a bit now. I found out last Thursday and I've thought about it ever since. I think they don't make more of an effort because they think that I am "normal" and well adjusted, and able to handle everything on my own. They need me to need them before I'll see them. And I'm not ready to give up that much of myself. It would only hurt more if they "rejected" me, or didn't come through.
I half wonder if it's not why I've never been married or even asked. Perhaps I have to pretend that I'm needy? I mean...I am needy, but I don't need anyone to "save" me, or take care of me. Maybe men need that? Maybe everyone needs someone to take care of? I often feel like...why the hell am I "taking care" of someone else's crap? I'm not their mother. I have my own kid thank you. I can take care of him. I don't need more on top of that.
My thoughts on this are further evidenced as how I've seen my mother get married 3 times, and she's always NEEDED a man. She didn't ever take care of us that I remember. Maybe once, when I was a LOT younger. I'm lying, she took care of us in that she made sure some man was around to provide for us. Too bad some of those men turned out to be child molesters.
So maybe I should be glad I've never been married? If that's the example I get, perhaps I'm better off.
I just so wanted to see my very grown up sisters. It's been 8 years, how much longer do I have to wait? I won't lie, I was intimidated. Worried that I wouldn't measure up to these people who are different now than when I was the big sister who was so smart and funny. Worried that they would find my life and me...wanting? Worried that they would think I'm just wasting my life and being as stupid as our mother?
I don't even know, cause I don't know them. I'm not even sure it would have felt close, like it used to. I might have just felt like...well, now I have to impress these people, because that is what you do. No doubt we have different views on things. Maybe they would think I was a terrible mother. I don't know. Now I may never know, cause who knows when they will visit.
Any one of the reasons they gave would be valid, but I find it kind of suspicious that EVERYONE had a reason. Aspen is pregnant (I understand); Misty and Angie are trying to save money to move in together (again, understandable); Michael got an MIP. Everyone has some sort of excuse. So, instead she says late May, early June. When I won't have any money and if they are saving to move in together, how will they?
She mentioned things like the zoo and this and that. The zoo in PORTLAND, for chrissakes. Which costs more money. I feel like by the time they do get here, I'm going to be so broke, it won't matter if they want to do things. It's not like I even really believe that they will be visiting then. It's hard to believe it now.
And people wonder why I have trust issues? Over the weekend, I had a dream that Ben was going back to "his" house...you know, that place where he DOESN'T LIVE? I'm sure in the dream he was going home for the night, but wouldn't give me any reason as to why. I was just as sure that if he left, I'd never see him again. Did my feelings of abandonment bring out the dream? I don't even know, but I think it's likely.
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