Are you proud?

I got a ride home from work last night. A nice guy who knows a bit more about my life prior to work than most of my other co-workers know. I’m an open book, so my fellow Accountants know quite a bit. Not everything. Everything is too much. But they know I was a teenage runaway and they know a bit of the issues I had with my mother…again..not everything.

Well this guy had only recently learned more of my story. The runaway part. So we had a nice conversation on the way home about work, etc, and then he asks me if I ever feel proud of myself for how far I’ve come.

The answer is sure. Sure I do. When I actually sit and think about it I’m proud. But mostly I just survive. I don’t think about it that often. When I do, I’m proud. When I realize that I was in college raising a kid while most of our interns can’t even fathom..yeah, I’m proud.

But overall, I don’t think about it often. My life has always been about surviving. Don’t think, just do. Not that I don’t think, I over-think quite often..but most of these “accomplishments” aren’t because I set my mind to becoming what I am now. All of them are because of Derek. Because I wanted a different life for my kid. So one step at a time I keep on, keeping on. And thus far, Derek’s life is drastically different. Sure, sometimes I want to strangle him for not realizing how good his life REALLY is, but not enough to lay all my life’s troubles on him. It’s been pretty easy not to have to talk about my fucked up family since they live so far away. Even the Colorado trip seemed to not faze (good god! How long have I been spelling faze as phase? WRONG) him. He had a good time and didn’t realize any of the undercurrent that occurred. In the long run, my family is fucked. My sisters and I seemed to have turned out okay somehow, but I think that’s in large part due to my being the oldest and being responsible and making sure that the things that were happening to me WERE NOT happening to them.

So yeah. I’m proud. I’m glad we all came out of it okay. I’m proud that my sisters have no idea what I went through. Cause that would make things weird..bad…awkward? I don’t know. It’s not like I can’t tell people about it, I do. We just don’t talk about it in my family. My mom knew, I know she knew…..but they didn’t…and they don’t…and Derek doesn’t…and I don’t know that any of them will as I will keep my protector roll and save them from the horrors that can exist in this world.

Anyways…it’s been going through my brain since we talked last night. I guess I don’t show my proudness often enough.          

EDIT - Over all though? I've merely done what I needed to to survive. I haven't done anything someone else couldn't do. So...I dunno. Maybe I'm just modest?