New Year's Eve Undone....
Well that sucks.
So….two thoughts for you today.
1. Why do I keep expecting holidays/birthdays to be
extraordinary? They haven’t yet. Nothing miraculous has happened, and I’ve
never had a surprise birthday party so why do I keep thinking it might happen?
As I get older, it’s even less likely that something extraordinary will happen without
my having a hand in it. So do I just need to do something extraordinary for my
child? Would that make a difference, or just set him up for ridiculously high
expectations? For instance…I’m not saying that I need a true Christmas miracle,
but it would be really, really lovely if my mother would at least send me a
Christmas card, or be the first person to wish my Merry Christmas and it’s be
super awesome to not see pictures of her Christmas. Stupid facebook. 8
pictures, one of my baby sister, the rest of her bar friends, obviously taken
in a bar. Good job mom. Oh and one of my horrid stepfather. Whose face I’d
rather not see. This is who I was raised by? So why do I expect extraordinary
things? New Year’s Eve was going to trump Christmas. I was certain of it. At
least it’d be a party and I’d have neighbors if no one else…..
2. Which brings us to thought number 2. New Year’s Eve has
been derailed….through no one’s fault besides one dad who can’t get his shit
together and take care of his business like a goddamn adult. It’s frustrating
and makes me want to cry and scream at the unfairness, at the injustice, at the
complete lack of control I have over this situation. It also makes me feel sad
for my neighbor who has to deal with this all the time.
I remember a time when dealing with J was this complicated.
When he couldn’t even be bothered to show up and I had to get to class after
the day care had closed and B came through. A time when he wouldn’t ever take D
overnight and would only come see him at my house and not take him anywhere. He
was incompetent. I guess I just never made plans because I knew better? Well,
besides my one big party every year for D’s birthday. Everyone would come, I’d
get drunk, I guess that’s not the best role model, but it was needed, that one
party a year. Suddenly, J got married and his wife is the best ever. They took
him for a week during the summer when I was 22 and then every summer since, it’s
been half/half. Plus every other holiday. I keep waiting for the other shoe to
drop…..When they had the first baby, I thought, this is it, now they have their
own..but they kept up with taking him. Then the second baby came along and I
still wondered, but it’s been great. I don’t know if it helps that D is the
only boy, but I’m glad he is. J’s wife is the best wife I could ever hope to
have to deal with. I didn’t want that negativity that can occur and did occur
in my life between my mom and step mom and I’ve never talked her down. J on the
other hand…well, I’ve never talked him down in front of D. But there are times
when he still aggravates me.
So am I just lucky? Or did I pay my “dues” and finally come
out on the other side?
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