Over thinking like always..

Sometimes I wonder if I'm not doing Ben a disservice by not pushing him more....

I mean...if he were with someone else, or even alone, would he have a job?

Would he be better off if I wasn't enabling him?

Why does my brain insist on "What ifs"?

He seems to enjoy his life, so why am I questioning everything?

My stupid douchebag brain.What a dick hole it is. I would like to stop thinking so goddamn much.

We're good. Our life is good. We have few complaints and we even will say the same thing at the same time. Which is kind of weird...but...maybe it means we're meant for each other.

And if I'm so worried that his life could've been better, how come I don't wonder if it'd be worse without me? Why do I always envision his life as being better?

Sometimes I feel like I'm tainting him with my crazy. He's kind of normal and I'm so not. I have so many problems. Such as this, this over thinking....

I just have so much baggage. =( I'm trying not to...maybe that's why I'm not as proud as I should be? Maybe I don't feel like I've really changed anything? I'm still too fucking hard on myself. But if I am, that's only because this way I'm the hardest on myself...no one can be harder.

But how do I ever live up to my own expectations? Is it even possible? I fear that it's not.

Fuck it, it's probably just because it's Monday.

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