Random Thoughts

But I KNEW I wasn't a goth. You scored as Understanding Outsider . You are not a goth yourself, but you may know goths and you understand and appreciate, or at least respect, the gothic subculture. What subcategory of Goth best fits you? created with QuizFarm.com

I've been tossing around this post in my head since late Saturday night/Sunday morning. Just writing and editing in my head, but no matter how long I edit it and come up with a good way of saying what I am trying to say, it never comes out exactly how I want it to. I'll think of something and then just be like....that's good. That's a GREAT way to put it, but then I don't write it down and it becomes "gone with the wind". Saturday night I realized that I had really pushed all these memories away about Paul. In true me fashion, I had pushed the bad memories away, and was remembering the good ones. What I remember of it all is mostly how we were friends, and not how we were when we were involved. We weren't involved for more than a month all together and we were friends for a couple years before that. And I realized that I kept pushing these memories away in the hopes that I wouldn't glorify our relationship and start feeling things I shouldn't. ...

Sunday brought hanging out with Jesse in the morning. Our own special time. After like noon or so. First I sat at my kitchen table and finished Cell, then Ben's BIG ASS book o' Douglas Adams. I FINALLY FINISHED IT! My rants about it will follow shortly. Actually I thought it was a pretty good book but I can't say that to Ben. Otherwise, he'll be like it's good. See, I TOLD YOU IT WAS GOOD. And so on and so forth FOREVER. Everything I don't like..he'll be like....I think it's good, so it must be good cause Douglas Adams is good. After Jesse left, there was not really much of anything that went on. While talking to Jesse, I came to the realization that MAYBE IT IS OK that I do not see the people I used to hang out with. It sounds like the same old drama and I kinda like being boring. I've chalked it all up to fate in my head, but that could just be "sour grapes". More on that later, after I think it out. It's a whole post in and of itself...

I HAD THE GREATEST WEEKEND EVAR. It really turned out to fabulous all around. Got good food at the barbecue on Saturday. Thanks Jenn. Got to see Mina! YAY! Mina! Got to talk about having babies. Got to politely decline Karina's suggestion that I should have another baby so she could play with it. I REALLY love babies..I do not so much love the little kids. Especially since my kid has decided to be the bad word police and decided that he is old enough to tell adults what to do. Ok, ok...so maybe he only asked the adults, but still. Sometimes I wish I could mute him before he says anything. That, however, is for another post. Because I am talking about how WONDERFUL my weekend is, and that does not fit. And I got to go to COSTCO! Costco really kinda rocks. They have everything, but especially the LARGE platter of sushi. Derek liked the shrimp ones, I LOVE the spicy ones. It was AWESOME. Jesse came over that night and we hung out, mano e mano e mano. If that's right. *smirk...

WOOT!

My Cancer tattoo, on the leg. Rose tattoo on boob, as seen from above...my view. =) My ear...it's a little hard to see the inside, but I have jewelry in every hole here! Which is rare for me. EVERYONE SAY HURRAY FOR NIPPLE PIERCINGS! =) HURRAY! Also, here is my nose again. Someone was asking..so here. I have that red line on my face from holding the cup to soak it...so it's funny, even if I am repeating.

I was revisiting my Johari and Nohari windows. I've linked over there...under qualities. I'm needy. And I call my own bad qualities almost as often as others do. I didn't say timid. But yeah, I can see it. Ariel named herself Ariel (This is not easy) I told you it wasn't. Why do you think I gave up on yours...I think anyhow...maybe I went back and picked some. It IS hard, I know. =)

Can you believe it? I can hardly believe it. I'm so freaking excited. You know...sometimes I have to stop at laugh at myself. Cause either I've realized I am talking to myself...or humming. Once I caught myself humming the wicked witch of the west theme while riding my bike. I had been up all night (VERY punch drunk), but still...it was kinda funny. It was actually my mom's bike, which made it funnier. =)

I've spent all day wondering if I should go delete my message to Paul. He's read it, but no response. I decided that perhaps my dream did mean something...but maybe it had nothing to do with him. Sadly, I'm pretty sure that we'll never be the friends we were. It pissed me off a bit today, but then I realized that I just need to deal. I went and "friended" her, and explained that I've looked at her page and I like some of the same stuff she likes and that I think that we have a bit in common. We'll see if she friends me. They (who?? I don't know) say that you get involved with people who remind you of yourself...or at least that that can be your best relationship. I don't know why, but maybe she could be the friend that Paul used to be and we can just make fun of him cause he is a smelly boy. =) It could happen. I'm a little afraid that she won't believe me though and instead think I am using her to get to him. But I just realized that o...

Yeah...that whole running up and down the steps? Didn't really pan out. And I always think...well, I should just walk around the campus. But getting myself motivated appears to be a problem. On other fronts, I've managed to keep up with the eating of the carrots. I figure..the less I eat, the better off I am. Which works to a degree, except then you must throw in how the metabolism works. More frequent, smaller meals is better. I get that. It just seems like the more meals I eat, the better chance I have of going overboard. My day goes much like this.. I get up, walk Derek to school. Come home and make coffee and have sensible, fiber-full cereal. Usually I need a snack in between breakfast and lunch. This ranges from somewhat healthy..like fruit...to a donut or croissant when I am just hungry and want to eat NOW. Today I had popcorn. Lunch consists of a sandwich. That is ALL I eat for lunch. Either lunch meat, or a peanut butter and honey, or egg salad. Not terribly healthy, bu...

Someone once told me that they loved my eyes and would wait, just staring at me, to see if I would look at them. It makes me a little sick now, thinking about it. Cause that's a really good compliment and it wasn't Ben. Which just means it was someone who I no longer am with. And the reminiscing is just bittersweet. (Like Strawberry wine, seventeen, a hot July moon saw everything. My first taste of love, was bittersweet, and green on the vine.) Sorry, had to break into song in my head there. (perhaps I feel sick because of the LARGE amounts of water I've been drinking...more on that later.) But I had a dream last night. A dream that him (the guy who gave me this compliment) and his wife came to my store to see me..and I got along well with her. Which amazed me a little. But I don't know why it should. She is a Cancer like me and just from the few times I've met her, I think we would have a lot in common. Not that I will ever know. Today I did something stupid.. What...

I can't STAND IT when people stare at me. It makes me uncomfortable and mean. I want to yell at them..."WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?" Even poor Ben when he is just looking at me. But I'm getting better, at least about people looking at me when I know them. I mean...eye contact is good for communication, I know that. But when people stare at me and I don't know them, I just want to scream. Lately, the bus that picks me up is so packed that I stand at the front when I get on. This standing makes people stare at me, I guess. I don't know. I don't know why. All I know is last week, I got on the bus and this chick, sitting across from where I was standing...with her BAG getting a seat next to her..granted, she was a fat chick, as am I. Which means I would more than likely have not sat next to her. I don't like touching people I don't know. It makes me feel squicky. She starts STARING at me..and it's the worst stare of all, it's just this blank sta...

I just got off the bus and I'm so mad. I was riding the Centennial today and I was thinking...this isn't so bad, at least I can sit down. Sure I get home later, but it outta be better than the Thurston bus. It wasn't. These two little punk ass teenagers get on the bus and the guy is in SUCH a hurry that the poor older gentleman gets something to the effect of "just fucking move" outta him. I don't know for sure, I didn't hear, but that is what it LOOKED like he was saying. And I'm ALMOST home when this teenage girl (kind of ditzy and giggly, but harmless) gets off the bus and her friend tells her goodbye. They laugh about something and the girl stops laughing and says "oh snap". Just kinda silly and almost like a way to keep her from continuing to laugh. Sometimes I have to take a deep breath, she apparently, says Snap. I thought it was cute. The punk bitch behind me says...snap, those bitches are retarded. Bitches? I only count one, but what...

He takes an HOUR to get ready for bed. Not really, but the other night, I was just like..fine, you will get ready five minutes early. That did little good today. Tomorrow, he gets ready ten minutes early. He just takes so long if I am not riding his ass, and it's frustrating. But what REALLY steamed my biscuit, was tonight when I asked him about something. Something was bothering me, the sun has been waking him up early and he would get up and shut the door. Most mornings, he would already be awake when I got up and have the door shut. I figured nothing of it. Until I realized that EVERY morning when I would go in there, he would look at me quickly, with that guilty look. He has the BEST guilty look. I'm SO glad he gives himself away, who knows how long it would have happened without me noticing. So...I start thinking about it...and I'm thinking...well...maybe he is playing with stuff...down there....everyone does. And perhaps that is the source of the guilty look? So, toni...

I think that maybe I am embarassing. I get loudly drunk and will talk to anyone. I asked people if I was embarassing and I got no response. In my head, that equals yes. I should not drink, apparently. =S

Is that you often run into people. Ok...so maybe some of those people aren't people you want to run into. I shall not name names here, but you know those people. The ones who you are like....crap, don't see me, don't see me. Mostly though I see people I want to see. Like last Monday. I got to see Tammy! And Tommy! It was awesome. (Our intern has got me saying Awesome. I'm like a retarded 80's surfer. She thought it was AWESOME, that I've been saying that.) I stood with Tammy, outside, with coffee and NEITHER ONE OF US SMOKED. I'm so USED to standing out their with coffee and smoking. Ok, so..I didn't have coffee, but she did and we still just stood there yapping. Then Tommy came into the store and I saw her leaving and instead of yelling out her name, as I would usually do, I yelled out "hey, pretty lady." And it worked. I should do that more often. Because who doesn't like being called pretty? I steered her in the right direction, sadly sh...

Before I got home and got all introspective, my day wasn't going too bad. I have been wearing my name tag more at work. So people know me? GO figure, right? So...then since I've been wearing the name tag more, this guy comes in (the hotdog guy) and gets change, and both times I've helped him recently, he comes in, barely looks at me, and says...can I get some change, Debbie? Debbie? Debbie? I DON'T EVEN LOOK LIKE A DEBBIE. And I just kinda thought it was funny. But slightly annoying. You know? Maybe the name is too hard to pronouce, so he just says Debbie? Perhaps next time I should say..no, you can't have change until you learn my name? But I can't do that.

I'm confused today. I'm not sure what I want. See, I have a REALLY hard time expressing when people have hurt my "feelers", as Tara would put it. (Trying to inject humor, really) And maybe some of you would disagree. Maybe I managed to get something across to you that I didn't realize. And I HOPE it doesn't come out wrong. But, too often, I think it backfires. See...I hold it all in, I don't let anyone know there's a problem, and then when I do, it explodes. And BECAUSE I CAN NOT get my feelings out, I assume that others feel the same. All too often, I wonder..did I make someone mad? Is that why they aren't talking to me? Maybe they don't have anything to say, maybe they are just tired. But I am all too often CONVINCED that I've done something. And admitting the hurt when I've felt wronged? It's like impossible for me. It's like painting a HUGE target on my heart and saying...see, right here is where you can hit for the maximum ...

This whole obsession with My Space? It's like that boyfriend I couldn't have, or something. The one I ALWAYS wanted...except now it's just friends. I think that I always want what I can't have. As long as I am content, than I don't feel satisfied? I don't know. I've managed to curb my impulses to go check it out EVERY FIVE minutes. Just barely. I only go and check it out after I get an email letting me know someone actually had SOMETHING to say. Hence, yay! Cool stuff from friends. Otherwise, I ignore it. It's working fairly well, really.

Karina is my hero. She has my CD Player. I am SO happy! Maybe someday I shall get that IPOD. Actually, I'm determined that that will be my large electronics purchase with the tax returns next year. This year I got the camera, next year I shall get an IPOD. Just a tiny one, I don't need movies or anything. I just need music. A little 1GB Black Nano. IPOD Nano..How I love thee.