Working on being more thankful
I find myself getting jealous again. Jealous that I don't have someone to rescue my from debt.
Someone I know who I shall not name just got a LARGE check from a relative. Just because.
I suppose I should feel happy that I don't need the money.
And I suppose I don't NEED it. But it would be nice to have. It would be nice to have a cushion. It would be nice to decide...hey, I want to go buy this or that. And just be able to.
But the other part of me, the grinchy part, is too jealous.
Jealous that some people seem to always be "saved". Always SEEM (and I suppose that is the operative word) to have someone around that can and will help them when they are stupid with money.
Not me, I just get further and further behind. Taking money from paychecks I haven't even got yet.
In all honestly, there is shit I could cut. I don't NEED cable. I like cable.
(GOD! I should NOT get started on the cable.)
I don't NEED to high speed Internet. Sure my blood pressure would raise and people would be in danger around me, but I COULD use dial up.
Sure, I could...if I could have a phone.
But I already screwed that up.
I suppose most of this is just because I think people's birthdays should be special. But with my IPOD purchase, I've prolly screwed myself out of anything else.
Plus, I need to pay Sanipac.
(Part of me wonders if I wouldn't be better off in an apartment again. Cheaper rent, cheaper electric bill, NO garbage bill. No yard crap. Maybe a pool? But than I have SO many neighbors and I really kinda hate most people.)
Part of me wishes I was the type of person who would call people in a panic and then they would send me money. People like relatives. Part of me wishes I CAME from money. Sure, money doesn't buy love, but it might have bought me popularity. It might have bought me a place to stay when I left home. It might have bought me some happiness when my life was crap.
I'm angry today, apparently.
I just wish that I didn't want so many things. I wish I was ok with being poor. I wish that being an adult wasn't so f*cking hard sometimes. I wish someone would bail me out someday. I wish I had all the rent money. As it is, it's gonna take some fancy footwork to get her paid. Cause I will be DAMNED if I will ask her for extra time. I don't want to ask her for anything. I'm not even sure how I will get all the yard clippings out without a car, but I won't be asking her. Even though she offered. I'll stuff what I can in the trash and maybe BEG Heather for use of her dad's pick-up.
But you can wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up faster, right?
Someone I know who I shall not name just got a LARGE check from a relative. Just because.
I suppose I should feel happy that I don't need the money.
And I suppose I don't NEED it. But it would be nice to have. It would be nice to have a cushion. It would be nice to decide...hey, I want to go buy this or that. And just be able to.
But the other part of me, the grinchy part, is too jealous.
Jealous that some people seem to always be "saved". Always SEEM (and I suppose that is the operative word) to have someone around that can and will help them when they are stupid with money.
Not me, I just get further and further behind. Taking money from paychecks I haven't even got yet.
In all honestly, there is shit I could cut. I don't NEED cable. I like cable.
(GOD! I should NOT get started on the cable.)
I don't NEED to high speed Internet. Sure my blood pressure would raise and people would be in danger around me, but I COULD use dial up.
Sure, I could...if I could have a phone.
But I already screwed that up.
I suppose most of this is just because I think people's birthdays should be special. But with my IPOD purchase, I've prolly screwed myself out of anything else.
Plus, I need to pay Sanipac.
(Part of me wonders if I wouldn't be better off in an apartment again. Cheaper rent, cheaper electric bill, NO garbage bill. No yard crap. Maybe a pool? But than I have SO many neighbors and I really kinda hate most people.)
Part of me wishes I was the type of person who would call people in a panic and then they would send me money. People like relatives. Part of me wishes I CAME from money. Sure, money doesn't buy love, but it might have bought me popularity. It might have bought me a place to stay when I left home. It might have bought me some happiness when my life was crap.
I'm angry today, apparently.
I just wish that I didn't want so many things. I wish I was ok with being poor. I wish that being an adult wasn't so f*cking hard sometimes. I wish someone would bail me out someday. I wish I had all the rent money. As it is, it's gonna take some fancy footwork to get her paid. Cause I will be DAMNED if I will ask her for extra time. I don't want to ask her for anything. I'm not even sure how I will get all the yard clippings out without a car, but I won't be asking her. Even though she offered. I'll stuff what I can in the trash and maybe BEG Heather for use of her dad's pick-up.
But you can wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up faster, right?
Comments
*WHINE*
:P
I know how you feel sweetie, I've always been jealous of people who have someone to save them from their own mistakes. Heh, my dad is usually tryin to get money from me.
We'll do the money dance for you, and hopefully you'll be pleasantly surprised by what comes your way.
(didn't really think that would work. Poo.)
Ariel - Well, as least I can be thankful my mom doesn't ask me for money. I just wish there was a way to get more without taking me away from Derek more, or selling myself.
(I'd totally donate, but I can't.)