And everything in between are these thoughts of mine that you know I can't live with out.

Saturday, we went out for dinner. We walked home, ran into one of Derek's friends. Apparently, he lives right down the street. His Grandma was awesome. Had 4 boys in the house, and was not in the least bit overwhelmed. She just sounded like she knew what she was doing, and she kept saying the Derek is exactly like his friend. It's good to know that she has that much patience with kids, so perhaps they should hang out over the summer sometime.
It was cute, watching them all run around like little monkeys in the rain. Plus, they have KITTENS. OH THE KITTEN LOVE. SO SOFT AND FUZZY. Kittens become cats, much like babies become kids.
*sigh*

When we got home, I noticed one of my many little notebooks laying on the counter. The front cover was open, most likely by accident and written inside...and I'd TOTALLY forgot about it..was something I thought in a sadder moment. I was just too sad. And I wrote..."What it all boils down to is that I will never be good enough."
And I coulda wrote that about ANYTHING. I really could have. My feelings of inadequacy happen to frequently for me. It really could have been anything else...but I don't know, it FEELS right.
Somehow I think I was probably referring to his stance on marriage. That to me, it will always feel like I am just not good enough. No reason really. It's not like he's ever been married before. Maybe he NEVER will be.

It's like one of my diaries was found or something. I was just FILLED with dread.
And I KNOW he didn't do it on purpose, cause he doesn't do that.
I also KNOW that it didn't necessarily mean what I think it meant....or what I was writing about. Since I am not even ENTIRELY sure what I was writing about.
I'm not sure why I think that.
But I also KNOW that I wished and hoped that he would not mention my writing, and he didn't. Not even curious.
So the tightrope walk continues.
So we never get to the point where I can be completely free with him.
Because god FORBID I have enough guts to tell him that's how I feel.
I'm fairly certain he would say that isn't it. He just doesn't like marriage.
I'm also fairly certain that it doesn't really matter how I feel about it. I can't FORCE him into it, nor would I want to.
Why would I want to be married to someone who didn't want to be married to me?

Anyhow.
That was my crazy thought the other day. I am SO CRAZY sometimes. Not voices-crazy, more like "over-thinking"-crazy. I over analyze EVERYTHING to death.
And I know it is a crazy thought. And I am happy. He is awesome.
Why should marriage matter that much anyhow?