Random Thoughts

  I spent time on campus. I don’t even remember how but suddenly I knew this guy. He seemed nice enough. Memories are like gossamer threads so I don’t even know how I met him. Now I feel like I was an easy target but I only know that somehow he ended up telling me he had a crush on me. He said this and I couldn’t believe it.   It’s bugging me that I can’t remember how I met him. I remember meeting doorbell Chris the first time. But that’s a different story. That’s why I’m writing this all down. It likely won’t matter but maybe someday after I’m gone, someone will read my stories and laugh or cry or feel things at all. I’m already lost of some memories, meanwhile, I can remember the lyrics to hundreds, maybe thousands of songs but can’t remember how I met this guy.  I was on campus. It was a space to spend time and I had tons of it. I’d spend my days sleeping if I had to catch up, but mostly waiting for the nightlife. My friends. The people who entertained and accepted me....

 As I listen to the neighbors yelling today...I wonder if it's them yelling at their kids? They do have a toddler so...they are frustrating. But about a week ago, it was very quiet in my house and after the door slammed YET AGAIN, I heard very clearly "Well fuck you!" so I'm guessing they also fight.  Now I'm just sad for their children. Remembering all the nights the drunken fighting got out of control and the cops were called on them.. wondering where I'd go since my step grandma made no secret of her disdain for me and that I wasn't part of their family. Not her blood. I didn't believe my dad would take me in and I didn't want to be separated from my sisters. I felt protective of them and how could I do that if I wasn't with them?  I hear stories of people saying CSD (child services division? Child protective services now?) or whatever it's called now was called on them and they suddenly are in such trouble and might have their kids take...

An ode to my procreational bits.   I call it  Tricky little bitch.  I go pee. I wipe. I study the toilet paper like it’s a religious tome. Does it look slightly pink? Will it ever? Did I get magically, elderly uterus pregnant for Christmas? It IS 2020!  On impulse I wipe again. Blood all over. Where the fuck was it hiding the first time??  Is she magic? Thanks for ruining New Year’s Eve uterus! 

Ugh my day kicked off with a Post Secret postcard that said "my mom picked my step dad over me" and then I'm ending my work day with the podcast that is unfortunately all about this girl who is being sexually molested for years and is hopeless and ready to commit suicide. Thanks Monday. Please give me some extra shit to ponder. I didn't sleep bad enough last night.  How many kids are being put through shit I went through right now? I honestly thought about this the other night, and thought...well, it would only happen when my mom would leave, but what if someone's mom is quarantined somewhere else? What if someone's mom is sick right now? She DID pick him over me. There is no way she didn't know, but I suppose since yesterday was mother's day, I can give her this much. When she was in the house, she was a silent protector of sorts.  His own weird sense of decency? She knew and she'd say things like "You shouldn't walk around in a nig...

Me all weekend - let’s eat fried things and sugar. One - this gets B to leave. Then I get alone time. I can podcast. Masturbate. Watch porn. Sing as loud as I want. Two - I really did have some cravings. Last night after he gets back, I said sorry, I must be getting my period or something. I want to eat ALL EAT THE THINGS. Thinking I was kinda joking. Joke is on me this morning. Fuck periods. At least I didn’t get it for Valentines which is what I figured would happen. Ugh. I’ll just be here. Under my heated blanket (probably sharing it with a spider too) with my hot water bottle on my thigh, my back, if only I could get it directly on my uterus. I have a hazy memory of laying in the sun in my grandma’s backyard. I don’t know if she was still alive. If I had my period already, she wasn’t. I just very vividly recollect the feeling of drowsiness and general well being as I lay in the yard on my stomach in my black jeans. The heat of the sun created this lovely wa...

I sent in an application to see if Providence would lower my costs for medical stuff based on my income. They wanted all adult income. I estimated D's unemployment, and then wrote at the bottom that I had failed as a mother as he was hopelessly unorganized so I had no clue how much he was getting.  That couldn't be more fucking true, as apparently he's only occasionally getting unemployment. He's only barely over half a month behind on paying rent, but I'm still fucking pissed. I have failed. He doesn't want to be a corporate cog either (I can't even blame him, I'm so fucking sick of working and I still have so many years before I could even think of retiring).  Instead he will spend all hours in the bathroom with stomach issues (is that disability? No fucking joke, he was in there from before 5 am until almost 6 this morning and this happens all the time. When I ask, he says diarrhea issues. Which I also have, I mean, I have what I call nervous stom...

Anyone who really believes any fat person is trying to say EVERYONE should be fat, clearly missed the point. The point is not to say we must all be fat. In my opinion the point of the whole matter is that us fatties are sick of waiting to love ourselves and our bodies. If being fat is unhealthy, well, we owe NO ONE our health. No more so than a skinny person who smokes or is unhealthy in a different way than being fat. The point is that we’re sick of people telling us about our “pretty faces” and we’re sick of people thinking they should advise us on our diets. The point is that perhaps younger people who are overweight won’t have to deal with people yelling at them out their car windows as they drive past. The point is that maybe these same people will be able to see that the world takes all kinds of people. All sizes of people. The point is that maybe no one will have crap thrown at them from cars (I have, I couldn’t tell you why. Maybe it was a mortal enemy, maybe it wasn’t be...

Since I was 16 and pregnant, I've had at least one job. I'm so tired of fucking working and having to do what someone else tells me to do so I can get paid less than I feel I am worth. I have so long until retirement. This is all I am, a cog in the middle class rat race. Because I am a control freak who will never depend on anyone else, this is just how it works I guess.  Too many times did I hear "Well, I'll just leave then." "I'll get you for child support!" "I'll work under the table!"..probably along with a few choice words like the C word thrown in (my least favorite)...  He never left for long. Except that one summer when child protective services made him. That summer my mother had to apply for welfare. She did not like that.  So no. I will never depend on anyone. I don't have the trust for that. And I can only control myself and what I do. This whole kidult being fired thing only shows me that I should never have tho...

I'm the dumbest bitch ever. I just keep trying with this place and they just keep piling it on. Derek and I can't BOTH be out of work so I've stalled on checking out other positions. Sure guys, I can be ALL of A/P and since we have 3 goddamn people, I can be ALL of Accounting when one calls in sick and the other is in meetings all the time. Really I'm just grumpy because it's the beginning of the term and Ben is waiting for his blood draw and results and today is not a good d ay.  I wanted to call in. I thought about it momentarily, but figured I should show in case B was still out sick... you know, because then we'd have NO ONE in the department in the office. Good call when your accounting team is so fucking small two people can't be out sick or on vacation at the same time. They'll probably be all "we don't know why she lost her shit and quit" when I finally break. Which just makes me want to laugh maniacally.  Yesterday...

As a 16 year old, I was an idiot. This is not surprising as most 16 year olds think they know a lot more than they do. I was spectacular though, ending up pregnant at 16 because “it couldn’t happen to me”…yeah. I’ll wait while you stop laughing. After confirming what I already knew at the appointment I was at to get on birth control (YES. I KNOW. IRONY), I had some choices to make. I make no secret of the fact that I looked at ALL options. Ultimately, I decided abortion was not the choice (but at least I had the choice to make!) and that adoption could mean that he was raised by monsters. People with fake faces who looked fine to the outside world. So, I figured I could be a mom. Why not. I’d always loved babies and babysitting. (yes, I’ll wait again while you laugh) I told Jake that I was going to have this baby and if he didn’t want to, he needed to leave then. I wouldn’t put him on the birth certificate or anything. He said he was going to stay. I was trying to give him ...