"Out of student loans and tree-house homes we all would take the latter"

As a 16 year old, I was an idiot. This is not surprising as most 16 year olds think they know a lot more than they do. I was spectacular though, ending up pregnant at 16 because “it couldn’t happen to me”…yeah. I’ll wait while you stop laughing.

After confirming what I already knew at the appointment I was at to get on birth control (YES. I KNOW. IRONY), I had some choices to make. I make no secret of the fact that I looked at ALL options. Ultimately, I decided abortion was not the choice (but at least I had the choice to make!) and that adoption could mean that he was raised by monsters. People with fake faces who looked fine to the outside world. So, I figured I could be a mom. Why not. I’d always loved babies and babysitting. (yes, I’ll wait again while you laugh)

I told Jake that I was going to have this baby and if he didn’t want to, he needed to leave then. I wouldn’t put him on the birth certificate or anything. He said he was going to stay. I was trying to give him a choice, men don’t always get that choice. This sounds ridiculous, but I’ve seen this in action. Saddling Jake with a kid he didn’t want and child support payments potentially… I didn’t want my kid to feel unwanted like I did growing up. Always the odd one out. The oldest and the one who wasn’t Mike’s biological kid. The one who’s dad was never around and seemed to avoid her as much as he could.

After all that, I knew I needed a better life plan. I was finishing up high school and had arranged to graduate early since Derek was due in November. Churchill Alternative worked with me on getting that accomplished thankfully. Then I knew I needed to think bigger. College. Something I hadn’t even ever thought about, but before the pregnancy, I was content to just get a fast food job and who cared about the future? How long was I going to live anyhow? I was young and dumb and sure when it was my time, it would be my time. And I did everything else in life early, why not death too?

Looking Glass – New Roads got me set up with a counselor and she helped me sign up for college. It was a little scary. I literally opened the newspaper and looked for what had the most openings and that was bookkeeper/accountant. Even at the beginning I knew that the 2 year degree would be more obtainable and cost the least. And then it still took me four years. I had a 10 month old when I started so I only went part time. I still might have accomplished it in 3 years but I got really burnt out in that 3^rd year and had to wait until Spring to take the last class I needed.

As a mother to a toddler, I worked at work study jobs. As many hours as I could. And I took out any loans they wanted to give me. I tried not to for the first semester, but it was just impossible to make ends meet. Here is where the people will say “well you shouldn’t have taken all those loans out” and sure..they’re right. Maybe they’re missing the part where I was still a stupid 17-18 year old who didn’t really understand money yet. Or maybe I should have worked multiple jobs, paid child care and attempted college. That would not have benefited this child. I suppose maybe someone would say “you shouldn’t have a kid you can’t afford” but those same people wouldn’t adopt my child into their homes, I’d make a bet. I fully intended to pay back the loans. I graduated with around 16-17,000 in debt in 2002. Today’s kids will average out to 37,000 by the end of their college days. The people who say “I worked 2 jobs and took out no loans” don’t seem to understand that college has an inflation level to a ridiculous degree. And if EVERYONE goes to college, the market is then saturated. There are not suddenly MORE JOBS just because people have more degrees. So, to get the edge up, you have to have a BETTER degree. Which equals more cost. When recessions hit, people tend to go back to college, but they don’t have MORE money because it’s a recession time, so they take out loans. Thus the vicious cycle starts.

My kid is about to turn 22. I have made payments on these loans on an income contingent basis because I could not afford the standard repayment plan. I have never gone into default. I have had YEARS where they said I made so little they took NOTHING from me. I called multiple times to make sure I wasn’t confused and then counted myself lucky. Because that meant more money to go towards rent and raising my child. It also means that I’ve been out of school and at my current job for almost 17 years and have been making payments for almost 17 years (when they wanted them)…and am currently still over 10,000 owed.

Who have I bettered here? Whoever is making the money off my interest, I guess. “You signed a contract” I hear…sure. The unspoken and UNWRITTEN part of that contract was “to get you a job that will pay for your degree”…which hasn’t happened. I bet some of you are thinking “well, just make more” and to you, I say fuck right off with that. As a women, because of my chromosomes, I am habitually paid less than men in the workforce and that continues on to getting SSI at some point because I didn’t contribute as much because I made less than someone else because I don’t happen to have a penis…

The people who seem judgmental about this lately, is of course…white men.

I’m attempting to apply for loan forgiveness and so it seems like I suddenly can’t stop seeing posts about people who are ANGRY about this? Why? Because they paid their way. GOOD FOR YOU. My life has been different. People (white men) who I thought were cool before this. We can’t all be born into better lifestyles. I was LUCKY to have clean clothes and toilet paper growing up. TOILET PAPER. Running water. Should I have just NOT been born into that family? Somehow? Killed myself? Less poor people that way!

Or born with a penis. I was a single mother of a toddler living on my own in Oregon. NO FAMILY. I had very little options for help. Maybe I could have done better, graduated earlier, maybe I could have gotten a better job without a degree even. Who knows. Jake did. He makes far more than me and has no college loan debt.

But none of that matters, because I don’t have a time machine and this is the life I am living. This is how I tried to better myself only so some rich fucker who loaned the bank money gets to benefit of my interest. It feels a bit like a trap, honestly. I can’t even imagine how it feels to the kids nowadays who come out of it FAR more in debt.