"I'm losing my mind losing my mind losing control"

 As I listen to the neighbors yelling today...I wonder if it's them yelling at their kids? They do have a toddler so...they are frustrating.

But about a week ago, it was very quiet in my house and after the door slammed YET AGAIN, I heard very clearly "Well fuck you!" so I'm guessing they also fight. 

Now I'm just sad for their children. Remembering all the nights the drunken fighting got out of control and the cops were called on them.. wondering where I'd go since my step grandma made no secret of her disdain for me and that I wasn't part of their family. Not her blood. I didn't believe my dad would take me in and I didn't want to be separated from my sisters. I felt protective of them and how could I do that if I wasn't with them? 

I hear stories of people saying CSD (child services division? Child protective services now?) or whatever it's called now was called on them and they suddenly are in such trouble and might have their kids taken away forever.

I guess Denver must have been different. We never got taken away. One of the adults would get taken away, usually my stepfather, if memory serves me right. Once a Santa clause was in the car with the cops and I don't even know if he was just some drunk guy in trouble or if they brought a Santa along because it might cheer up sad children. I wanted to believe the latter. 

They are both adults, if they want to have screaming, yelling fights, but it hurts me for their kids. That's what they'll learn. Or they'll be like me, terrified of confrontations. 

I want to leave a note saying if I hear them, their kids hear them, but I don't doubt it would be dismissed or they'd become defensive. They don't know me. And the guy has some bumper sticker about military or marines, so I really don't want to piss him off. No thanks. 

I need to just move, I really wanted to wait until I could just buy a place since so many don't want to rent to us because not all the adults have income. I hate feeling judged. But we've been moving everything we can into savings and still not enough for a down payment. Not 20 percent, the magic number. 

This is one of those times I have absolutely no control or the environment. Even when we do move, there will likely be other neighbors and it's got me feeling pretty depressed.