Girl - don’t be that guy’s secret girlfriend!

 I spent time on campus. I don’t even remember how but suddenly I knew this guy. He seemed nice enough. Memories are like gossamer threads so I don’t even know how I met him. Now I feel like I was an easy target but I only know that somehow he ended up telling me he had a crush on me. He said this and I couldn’t believe it. 

It’s bugging me that I can’t remember how I met him. I remember meeting doorbell Chris the first time. But that’s a different story. That’s why I’m writing this all down. It likely won’t matter but maybe someday after I’m gone, someone will read my stories and laugh or cry or feel things at all. I’m already lost of some memories, meanwhile, I can remember the lyrics to hundreds, maybe thousands of songs but can’t remember how I met this guy. 

I was on campus. It was a space to spend time and I had tons of it. I’d spend my days sleeping if I had to catch up, but mostly waiting for the nightlife. My friends. The people who entertained and accepted me. I’m still assaulted by memories of card games at the Glenwood; waiting for Joi to get off work, anytime I go there for food but especially when I end up upstairs. I drank so many black and whites there. 

Both of us being on campus meant we must have hung out. Maybe I was looking for people to hang out later and he was one of them. I only remember him telling me had a crush on me and thinking, no. That’s not true. And then I was gone. 

A 

BOY 

TOLD 

ME 

HIS

FEELINGS

AND 

I lost my fucking mind. 

Thereafter, we’d hang out as a group and his buddy seemed to be into me but I was very clear where my interest lay. I loved hanging out with the guys! They’d eventually split and he would drive us up to some water tower on a hill and we’d make out hot and heavy in his truck. He was not a virgin but only had one person and he kind of liked her but it was weird for some reason. I don’t remember those details either. Only that I liked her and it made me sad to feel jealous of her. She came with me when I found out I was pregnant. Her and Ben. 

Since he had FEELINGS he made sure to talk about them and that sounds great except I also got to hear about how many other girls he also had crushes on. Julie. Of course. Michelle. His first and only. I got daring finally and asked if he’d be my boyfriend. He agreed to think about it. 

Yes. My actually pretty cute 15 self was glad to be considered. 

Girls. 

Don’t. Be. Anyone’s. Secret. Girlfriend. 

I did it over and over because I am fat. I assumed I should bring shame. 

Still I went up to the water tower and made out with him over and over. He has a twin. He was part of the guy group I hung out with. Weirdly, I was never attracted to his twin like I was with him. We were friends. I was surrounding myself with guy friends. Lately I’ve realized quite a few were likely trying to get into my pants and very few are still friends of mine. 

That’s telling. I’m sure. 

I might have had an easier run of it had I liked his twin. He was the nicer guy. My twin was a NICE GUY. 

I thought I’d been given my love story. Making out in a pickup truck was everything I’d heard in country music. He was so damn NICE. Made sure I knew where I stood and talked to me when weren’t fused at the mouth. 

I probably should have pulled back. Told him I wouldn’t make out with him until he decided if he’d like to be my boyfriend. I didn’t. Of course I didn’t. Hello self esteem issues! 

We’re talking about someone who gave it all away the first time to someone who broke up with them on the phone LONG BEFOREHAND. 

Ultimately he declined to be my boyfriend. He gave some good reasons, maybe that’s why it hit so hard. It wasn’t shit I could change. But he twisted the knife in when he said he’d been intending to say yes except I wasn’t on campus at the time. It was one night out of many. I’d felt like campus needed a break from me. PEOPLE needed a break from me. So I’d gone with Rose for a sleepover I think. The idea that he would have said yes, if only. Shattered my tiny teenage heart. 

I’m just saying, he could’ve left that detail out. His solid reasoning for why he didn’t want to be with me could’ve been enough. He didn’t need to make it hurt more. He didn’t need to twist the knife. 

It was around this time that Erycka cornered me and said Derek’s dad liked me. I laughed and said my attention was pointed elsewhere. I figured she wanted to hear that but it was also true. I was so fixated on this tall blond boy who I hadn’t even dreamed of but here he was, I could not think of others. 

But we all know how that turned out. Maybe I was happy to nurse my bruised ego. 

I run into him occasionally. We were even Facebook friends for a minute but I think I unfriended and blocked him after the last friend get together. He came in for a hug. I stiff arm hugged him, awkwardly. Too familiar for someone who I hadn’t seen in years. Then proceeded to talk to Ben like they were best friends the whole barbecue. Ben said it was weird. 

For someone I never actually fucked he holds a weird place in my memories. And I do hold a grudge. I always have. I suspect I always will. It was the first time I put my faith and heart into another person since I’d run away from home. 

He seemed so in touch with his feelings. So normal. I deserved some normal. Or I thought I did. Instead before my reign of dating terror was over, I dated a fake vampire. Also another story. One I’ve probably told here before. 😂

Friends express surprise at the venom in my tone when I recount this story. I guess overall I was probably really angry at myself. I’d let my guard down. Thought someone else had my best interests at mind. Someone cared about me so they wouldn’t dare hurt me, right? 

No. Not right. How did I lose that lesson so quickly? Blame it on sixteen.