Random Thoughts

It’s come to my attention more and more often lately that someone has an opinion about my life and my living situation. Not just one person. A lot of people would pass judgement. Here’s the thing. I have complaints and gripes. But overall? It’s kind of my own machinations. If I don’t have huge issues in my relationship, why does it bother you? I haven’t been, nor will ever be, dependent on a man. I suppose when my leg was broken I had to depend. And I do lean on him. A lot. But I’m not dependent. And that seems to drive some others crazy. I don’t know why. They assume I need more help? Would I like more help? I suppose so. But apparently my complaints lead my friends to believe I would be better off with a man’s income. I’m not sure how every woman I know isn’t aware how I need to not be reliant or dependent on someone else. I’m not sure how my relationship (which is very long running) is a source of debate when I LIKE being around my person still. 17 years in (almost). I like...

I finally cut off ties with my mother. She could snail mail or maybe even email me but she won’t. I know this. Which means I’m officially free to talk here about my shit. Which I’m starting to think is necessary so that I might perhaps survive a little longer. I’m not anonymous this much anywhere else. Maybe I need to open the wounds and expel the poison. I’ve never done well with psychiatrists I was appointed to. Maybe obstinacy along with the very real fear that it would all come out and my mother would blame me. You see she already had. Once while drunk my mother told me that she bet I liked it. The only and I mean only way I’ve ever seen this is as her saying she knew what her husband was doing and assumed I must like it or I’d say something. A common issue. Blame the victim for liking it or wanting it or being a tease. I don’t doubt she has her own issues. I just wish that I could have been born to someone who put her kids at the front. My kid, while not rich, has been given...

I’ve been chubby since I was a child. My awful stepfather asked me once if I wanted to lose ten ugly pounds quickly and when I eagerly said yes (after seeing my mother gloat over her weight loss, after hearing about it from everywhere – because it is everywhere. The diet industry is making bank, y’all.); he told me to cut off my head and then laughed. When I realized I weighed more than my mom in middle school, I started to realize that I was going to be the fat one. The fat friend. The fattest person in the group. The one who’d be so pretty if I just lost some weight. I felt unattractive and ate mostly things like hamburger helper and less of the homemade foods. We were all about convenience in my house growing up. I’ve been yelled at on the street walking places, every doctor I see seems to feel the need to tell me I’m fat..like I don’t know? I suppose some of that is my fault. Because when I gave up hope on ever being thin and pretty; I just stopped talking about it. I st...

Looking through want ads for jobs. I used to think, well, I don’t get the big bucks but at least I get to fuck off sometimes and the benefits are pretty good.  The benefits are still semi good. I mean, I did spend too long wondering if the phone call from my gyno to call her back meant the dreaded C and the wondering how I’d ever pay for it with my deductible/out of pocket expenses. But I only pay like 5 percent of my monthly insurance bill and they cover the rest. They profit share. They match my 401k to varying degrees when I contribute and trust me, I contribute. I thought it was dumb at 22 but the video they showed me persuaded me and I’ve been putting in ever since. 15 years of 401k contributions. But if I don’t make it to retirement age, what good does that all do?  It didn’t mean anything. All tests are fine currently. Just a solid 30 minutes of worrying while I waited for her to call me back at work since she wouldn’t tell Ben. More tests still.  Most...

This week at work was kind of a tire fire or shit show. As usual, all plans were derailed and I threatened to burn the place down and quit repeatedly. I’m pretty tired and disheartened. I didn’t ask to be the ringleader of the shit show. I didn’t ask to be the leader of accounts payable. I got beat down at every turn this week. Emails I answered early were full of annoyance from my coworkers because I didn’t reply fast enough. Emails I didn’t answer made the day worse. There was no winning. I can’t even feel like I can share on Facebook since I just feel like I’m being a whiner. Considering I left last night after working 23 hours in 2 day feeling pretty good; Like I was on top of shit; you know today must’ve been bad. It’s okay though! I’m going in on Sunday! Hooray! This will fix everything! I’m taking next Friday off. Never mind that recently who knows who might show up on a Friday. Never mind this means I have to get the weekly check run accomplished even earlier this week. S...

You ever feel like no one listens to you? My life today.

Inevitably today, I had that same old conversation. The one where someone asks me why Ben lost his license. Oh, DUI, they assumed. I'm an open book. Probably to a fault. Because I present this idea of not giving a fuck. And about that I don't. He made a mistake. He made the exact same mistake I did. But because the kid stays with the mom. Typically. It's not just that. It's a lot of grey areas. Of course it is. And I used to think I'd push the issue and "help him". But I don't want to change him and he just doesn't have a connection. Does it suck? Yes. Can I understand his point of view entirely? Fuck no I can't. I would never be made to carry a baby as a female if I said no. He would have said no. But yeah, things aren't picture perfect in real life. This inevitably, led to a further conversation. About what Ben does while I work. A conversation that I finally had to tell the other person that we'd never agree on and totally cha...

It's July's last fuck you. My nose hurts. The cold sore seems to be REALLY up in there so you know, at least it's not visible. I just feel like I have a constant booger in there. Or like I need to blow my nose.  Since I had the stupid expensive abreva, I just used it this morning. And I have lysine tablets that I picked up from Winco. So maybe it'll be over before I know it?  Stress! 😫 I told someone in an email today that they should probably tell my boss when I asked them for May credit card receipts.  They wrote back that of course it doesn't matter. If my boss fires me then he has to do my job.  It might be funny if it weren't painfully true.  So I guess it's unlimited O/T until I get caught up.  The feeling of burn out is immense. I know more people work more hours than me and more often but I'm not cut out for this shit. I've been groomed in a company that always smacked your hand for O/T and now I'm being told whate...

Well I’ve needed to speak about some stuff for awhile now and I have a little bit with certain people, but it’s not something I want all over my facebook page. So here it is. I’m becoming more and more aware of how like my mother I have become in certain ways. I know that everyone says that and then laughs, but my mom (while not the devil) is not someone anyone wants to be. I’m pretty sure even she doesn’t want to be her, although she puts on a good act. She has a highly addictive personality. Something I have likely inherited from her. In all the things she has become addicted to, I’ve avoided quite a few pitfalls. I never wanted to do cocaine or whatever the white stuff she was doing was. I’ve never understood gambling, meanwhile she used to have piles of old scratch its. I don’t know if it was to show herself or for a reason. Because she’s also a hoarder. And she ignores issues in life. Big issues. She also has a great sense of humor. We don’t agree on anything political, bu...

When everyone says they think you're awesome.  Until the express one question or thought and then you existentially question your whole self being.  Its hilarious. Nope, I'm an idiot, don't ask me. 

All the nights I can't sleep due to being sick I start to get bitter. When B was perpetually feverish and couldn't sleep at night, if I woke up and found him shivering; I'd go over and talk to him, rub his leg. Thought maybe it'd make the "witching hour" a little less lonely for him. Where's my nighttime companion? I don't think he even remembers it. And now he thinks he's getting my stupid virus and I'm like really? Did I not get this from you? Should I just get a fucking hotel room so we can stop making each other sick? He did let me have the bed for the past two nights but is that why he seems annoyed and detached? If so, I'd rather have companionship. One of those "be careful what you wish for scenarios" I guess.

I've found that I need to express myself again. And while the group I'm in on facebook is wonderful, I'm starting to feel like I'm the sole poster and the whole Debbie downer of the group. So here I am again, blogspot. Let's see how long I keep this up.  -------------------------------------- I don't know when it happened, but I'm pretty sure somewhere over the course of the day I have filled myself with hate. I hate training, I hate everyone in this office. I hate getting up every morning to work in an office filled with assholes to make money that is never enough in the long run. I hate feeling like I'm the best employee ever and getting paid less than the terrorists. But the thing I hate the most? MAKE A PLAN AND STICK WITH IT. Don't come in at 1:58 and say can I ever go to lunch like we're fucking late when you said 2 PM. That means 2. A better way to be less of an asshole would be...can I go now? I'm at a good st...

1. SHUT THE FUCK UP. The talker will not stop talking today. I don’t want to know about her boyfriend’s shoes or how she’s trying to play matchmaker for her 21 year old daughter. She sounds like a spoiled brat so who would want to date her anyways? 2. Nobody cares what you’re talking about, talker. Yeah, sensing a pattern? I’ve been stuck with her all day and I’m slowly going crazy. I had to try and explain the bus schedule to her and she just kept talking about how she didn’t want to go to Springfield and I tell her to look on the other side and she says if she reads it from right to left, she’s really confused and I finally have to say LOOK AT THE LAST TWO TIMES ONLY. That is all you want! How is life this hard for her? How does she tie her shoes? 3. You’re such a bitch. This is not about the talker, merely another co-worker. And she really is. Her resting bitch face extends all the way down to her personality. I would like to tell her that she does not have to say every snarky t...

"Charles with the bacon vault?" I'll be damned if I know what the hell I meant by this but I bet Charles was talking about how cool a bacon vault would be. Or maybe he had a pun-ny joke about it? Like vaulting bacon? Man I miss that guy. He was....so awesome. Smart, friendly, funny......wasn't afraid to wear a dress. The world needs more men like him. 

So without the devil at work anymore (oh yeah, she quit and I didn’t blog about it but the two people who read this know anyhow); work is great. It is also slow as hell right now, and apparently our time used to be filled with a lot of chasing after her shit because I find myself done faster and searching in vain for work to keep me busy. I’m not the only one either. What sucks is that we have too many bodies here, until football season and then we need every damned one. So unless we just hire seasonal work, we have to have this many bodies. Apparently when the older ladies retire, they don’t plan on filling their positions. So more work for me, right? And maybe more pay? (one can hope)…but when things get crazy will I be able to be 3 fucking people? The plan right now is for another co-worker to transition more over into what my boss does and I would probably take over expenses and keep doing financials, etc. The co-worker knows almost nothing about accounting and the guy who...

OMG. Haha. That title spoke the most to me, but I can totally see people being led astray on google searches. LOL. At least I can find amusement somewhere. This morning the clucking hens have already started. Apparently they are bitter about our newest full time person having to do more inventories. He was already doing some last year and the year before. Do my boss and I know more about inventory? Maybe we do, but how will he learn? Yes, he’s kind of a suck up, yes he does seem to talk and delegate more than working. Those are my issues with him and he is kind of a suck up, but he’s a nice kid. He’s pleasant, he shows up, he’s not a bitter old bitch. And he wants to know more. So WHY THE FUCK do we care if he’s doing more of the inventory stuff? I HATE inventory. I get all the shit inventories that are left over with the stupid managers who don’t understand fucking inventory. So I don’t give a shit if he takes it over. My luck, he won’t take it over and I’ll still get it ...