Here we are again..

Well I’ve needed to speak about some stuff for awhile now and I have a little bit with certain people, but it’s not something I want all over my facebook page.

So here it is.

I’m becoming more and more aware of how like my mother I have become in certain ways. I know that everyone says that and then laughs, but my mom (while not the devil) is not someone anyone wants to be. I’m pretty sure even she doesn’t want to be her, although she puts on a good act.

She has a highly addictive personality. Something I have likely inherited from her. In all the things she has become addicted to, I’ve avoided quite a few pitfalls. I never wanted to do cocaine or whatever the white stuff she was doing was. I’ve never understood gambling, meanwhile she used to have piles of old scratch its. I don’t know if it was to show herself or for a reason. Because she’s also a hoarder. And she ignores issues in life. Big issues. She also has a great sense of humor. We don’t agree on anything political, but we will both joke it off if we ever end up in any such discussion. Actually, that’s not true. I unfollowed her after seeing an anti-abortion post and something about how terrible Obama was as a president on her facebook.

I find myself ignoring important things. Like how to make Derek care enough to get his shit together and find a job. I’ve gone out of the way to give him pointers, give him tips, give him advice when he wants it, tell him where to find bus tickets……..I don’t want to nag him.

I’ve also found myself putting off things like my hoohaw appointment. Not intentionally, not with any sort of dread, everything is generally fine with my downstairs. I’ve avoided calling doctors over billing and insurance. I get bad news, I turn it over in my head, and then I generally move forward, but sometimes I drag my feet.

The main one though? I’ve been drinking a little too readily. I CAN not drink. I don’t get shaky, I don’t get all the signs of actually being an alcoholic, classic signs anyhow. I do not however, seem to have an off switch. I must have an irish liver because it rallies and then I’m like..another gar’con! Wait, I meant ONE more before bed. I never seem to get to just buzzed and then let it go. I almost never have one drink.

I blame it on my situation. I blame it on the stress. I blame it on being bored.

I don’t HAVE to drink every night, but I find it sneaking in after I’ve dealt with the insane women here at work.

It hasn’t kept me from going to work, it hasn’t impeded me in any other ways.

But it is expensive. And my liver needs a break. So I am deciding now is the time. Now is the time to try and get back to where I once was, when I drank just a bit. I mean, ideally, it would be lovely to get back to that point, but that was long before life got to be so fucking difficult. That was when I had a small one to look after. I had reasons not to drink I guess. I have less reasons now.

No, I don’t know that I’m an alcoholic, but I think I might be borderline. For now I can only try and be better. I succeeded in not drinking on any work nights last week. But I declared Friday a holiday. I don’t know, maybe I’ll drink on weekends. The issue here is my liver, the cost, and that if my childhood didn’t fucking break me, I’m not going to allow this goddamn workplace to break me. I’m tougher than that. Also, it would seem that while I’ve done everything else early in life, I’m not dying young as I keep getting older and older so I guess I should start taking better care so that perhaps when I am 50, 60, or 70, I’m not super pissed at irresponsible past me.

I don’t need an intervention for the few who may read this. No, I don’t want advice currently. If I do, I know how to ask. I’m mostly trying to put my thoughts in order. Trying to see what I can accomplish on my own. Hoping I’m not the terrible failure at life that I often feel like.

So far my experience has been about as I expected. I can’t seem to fall asleep easily at all at night. And I have worse dreams. I’m not sure I’m ready to pat myself on the back yet, but I do feel encouraged by my success last week. Am I bored? Fuck yes I am. But maybe life is about being bored sometimes. Or maybe I need to find better ways to deal with boredom and stress.

For now I suppose it’s enough to acknowledge the issue and see what I can accomplish on my own. I didn’t drink for over 3 months when the hospital/cancer shit went down a few years ago (I keep thinking last year, but it was mostly over before 2016 even started).

Bottom line?

I need to learn how to grow up better.