I finally cut off ties with my mother. She could snail mail or maybe even email me but she won’t.
I know this.
Which means I’m officially free to talk here about my shit. Which I’m starting to think is necessary so that I might perhaps survive a little longer. I’m not anonymous this much anywhere else. Maybe I need to open the wounds and expel the poison. I’ve never done well with psychiatrists I was appointed to. Maybe obstinacy along with the very real fear that it would all come out and my mother would blame me.
You see she already had. Once while drunk my mother told me that she bet I liked it. The only and I mean only way I’ve ever seen this is as her saying she knew what her husband was doing and assumed I must like it or I’d say something.
A common issue. Blame the victim for liking it or wanting it or being a tease. I don’t doubt she has her own issues. I just wish that I could have been born to someone who put her kids at the front. My kid, while not rich, has been given everything he needed. When he wanted to do football, I applied for a scholarship and paid what I needed. He’s never been without laundry or toilet paper. He’s never lived with roaches.
My kid will never be as fucked up as I am. I guess the real question here is how to fix it. To fix me.
I know this.
Which means I’m officially free to talk here about my shit. Which I’m starting to think is necessary so that I might perhaps survive a little longer. I’m not anonymous this much anywhere else. Maybe I need to open the wounds and expel the poison. I’ve never done well with psychiatrists I was appointed to. Maybe obstinacy along with the very real fear that it would all come out and my mother would blame me.
You see she already had. Once while drunk my mother told me that she bet I liked it. The only and I mean only way I’ve ever seen this is as her saying she knew what her husband was doing and assumed I must like it or I’d say something.
A common issue. Blame the victim for liking it or wanting it or being a tease. I don’t doubt she has her own issues. I just wish that I could have been born to someone who put her kids at the front. My kid, while not rich, has been given everything he needed. When he wanted to do football, I applied for a scholarship and paid what I needed. He’s never been without laundry or toilet paper. He’s never lived with roaches.
My kid will never be as fucked up as I am. I guess the real question here is how to fix it. To fix me.
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