Inevitably today, I had that same old conversation.
The one where someone asks me why Ben lost his license. Oh, DUI, they assumed.
I'm an open book. Probably to a fault. Because I present this idea of not giving a fuck. And about that I don't. He made a mistake. He made the exact same mistake I did. But because the kid stays with the mom. Typically. It's not just that. It's a lot of grey areas. Of course it is. And I used to think I'd push the issue and "help him". But I don't want to change him and he just doesn't have a connection. Does it suck? Yes. Can I understand his point of view entirely? Fuck no I can't. I would never be made to carry a baby as a female if I said no. He would have said no.
But yeah, things aren't picture perfect in real life.
This inevitably, led to a further conversation. About what Ben does while I work. A conversation that I finally had to tell the other person that we'd never agree on and totally change the subject.
The truth is, it's more grey area. The truth is, I wish I didn't have to fucking work so how can I fault him? He's the smart one really. The truth is, I do expect things from him. In other ways. The truth is, I have more sex than everyone else I know. The truth is also subjective and so I'm sure people think I'm a sucker. Do I have to sacrifice friendships over this? Is everyone eventually going to be like...omg, you have the worst taste!
But that's my truth. And I don't know sometimes. Would it be nice if I felt like I wasn't the failure any time we have to pull from savings? Am I just not demanding? I've been working on this whole idea of not asking "what's in it for me" and giving selflessly. It's fucking hard. It's been very bumpy lately and I've wondered if I'm not pushing myself too far what with work as well.
If I'm happy and I feel like my needs are being met, besides having extra other income being nice, why do I give any fucks?
I take others opinions to heart a little too readily. Mostly I feel like it's a good quality that when I'm struggling, I try to get varying opinions and see many points of view. But sometimes others opinions weigh a little too heavily.
People are fucking difficult. And I'm pretty fucking bad at relationships. I'm good on paper but not always do much in person. Much more intelligent on paper when I can think my words out. Much more Bobcat Goldthwaire in person. Loud. Embarrassing. Vaguely annoying probably.
The one where someone asks me why Ben lost his license. Oh, DUI, they assumed.
I'm an open book. Probably to a fault. Because I present this idea of not giving a fuck. And about that I don't. He made a mistake. He made the exact same mistake I did. But because the kid stays with the mom. Typically. It's not just that. It's a lot of grey areas. Of course it is. And I used to think I'd push the issue and "help him". But I don't want to change him and he just doesn't have a connection. Does it suck? Yes. Can I understand his point of view entirely? Fuck no I can't. I would never be made to carry a baby as a female if I said no. He would have said no.
But yeah, things aren't picture perfect in real life.
This inevitably, led to a further conversation. About what Ben does while I work. A conversation that I finally had to tell the other person that we'd never agree on and totally change the subject.
The truth is, it's more grey area. The truth is, I wish I didn't have to fucking work so how can I fault him? He's the smart one really. The truth is, I do expect things from him. In other ways. The truth is, I have more sex than everyone else I know. The truth is also subjective and so I'm sure people think I'm a sucker. Do I have to sacrifice friendships over this? Is everyone eventually going to be like...omg, you have the worst taste!
But that's my truth. And I don't know sometimes. Would it be nice if I felt like I wasn't the failure any time we have to pull from savings? Am I just not demanding? I've been working on this whole idea of not asking "what's in it for me" and giving selflessly. It's fucking hard. It's been very bumpy lately and I've wondered if I'm not pushing myself too far what with work as well.
If I'm happy and I feel like my needs are being met, besides having extra other income being nice, why do I give any fucks?
I take others opinions to heart a little too readily. Mostly I feel like it's a good quality that when I'm struggling, I try to get varying opinions and see many points of view. But sometimes others opinions weigh a little too heavily.
People are fucking difficult. And I'm pretty fucking bad at relationships. I'm good on paper but not always do much in person. Much more intelligent on paper when I can think my words out. Much more Bobcat Goldthwaire in person. Loud. Embarrassing. Vaguely annoying probably.
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