Will complaining make one feel better? It’s not working for me.

Looking through want ads for jobs. I used to think, well, I don’t get the big bucks but at least I get to fuck off sometimes and the benefits are pretty good. 

The benefits are still semi good. I mean, I did spend too long wondering if the phone call from my gyno to call her back meant the dreaded C and the wondering how I’d ever pay for it with my deductible/out of pocket expenses. But I only pay like 5 percent of my monthly insurance bill and they cover the rest. They profit share. They match my 401k to varying degrees when I contribute and trust me, I contribute. I thought it was dumb at 22 but the video they showed me persuaded me and I’ve been putting in ever since. 15 years of 401k contributions. But if I don’t make it to retirement age, what good does that all do? 

It didn’t mean anything. All tests are fine currently. Just a solid 30 minutes of worrying while I waited for her to call me back at work since she wouldn’t tell Ben. More tests still. 

Most of these ads for jobs are either WAY out of my league with a 4 year degree or don’t say how much they make and because I am bad at making myself look good I often do something for years before I realize the terminology for it. Ffs. 


I don’t even know where this leaves me. More hopeless. Why even continue to try? 

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