Random Thoughts

EDIT: After much consideration, I've decided to make this blog a bit more private...see I can't be sure my sisters won't see this and I don't want to ruin their lives more than our mom did. ___________________________________________ I can't even make up my mind. Was catching up on LJ today and it's made me more sad than bitchy. I think I might prefer sad to bitchy. When I'm bitchy I KNOW it's not helping but I can't seem to fucking stop. When I'm sad, well..shit I'm sad. I'll get over it. My mom has always been...well, an ostrich. Pretend there is not a problem and MAYBE there won't be. I'll admit I've followed this route on a few occasions, but NEVER to the extent that she did and STILL does. Before my sister came to visit, I thought that maybe I'd exaggerated how bad it really fucking was. I'm at least HALFWAY normal and capable, maybe my brain had made it worse than it was. It's not something I talk about frequ...

I have a whole post about death and Charles. No one really thought they were going to escape that right? It's fucked with my mind and continues to do so. Two weeks ago I came home and re-read his blog and BAWLED until I had a headache. Cause shit sucks. I just haven't worked it to the extent I'd like to. But today, today you get a lovely meme type update from my being tagged by Erin, slash Ruby, slash Vagyna Fondue from LJ. http://www.ohhonestlyerin.com/ Someone trying to traverse through life and parenthood without a fucking manual like the rest of us. 1. Weird thing number one..huh. I guess I'm not going to go into these in order. I like rap..and country. And emo. I still love a LOT of alternative from the late 90s but I probably love pop the most. I'm a corporate whore in this case. If you HATE a song? I probably love it for some reason or another. The only exceptions? 1. ANYTHING Beastie Boys. 2. Beck's Loser 3. Sheryl Crow's All I Wanna Do 4. Weezer...

Sometimes I would like to feel like I come first. Especially when the kid isn't here to come first. When he comes first I understand, but the computer and magic? They should not come first. Just once I'd like for him to at least offer to miss it and spend time with me. Not just to be on the computer. Sad today, likely it's at least partially due to my mother's birthday being yesterday. I'll get over it tomorrow, but for today having a boyfriend sucks. Sometimes I wonder if we'll make it past Derek getting older. I'm so quick to give up on boys, I always have been. Ben is good for my son though, and so he's lasted. What will happen when Derek is old enough to take care of himself and we don't need him? Can't tell you that. I don't know myself. Also, I love this CSI. Taylor Swift makes it ok even though Grissolm is gone.

I stayed home today. My back hurt so bad I slept on the couch so that I could pull myself up off of it easily enough the million times I have to pee at night. So now the rest of my body is sore, but my back might actually feel better? I'm taking the anti inflammatory they gave me last time it was bad, which is expired, but I don't want to leave the house and visit the doctor by bus since something is working. So now I'm taking the back medicine and sometimes a muscle relaxer, and antibiotics from the tooth pulling. I've been living on mashed potatoes and scrambled eggs and I can only eat during the three hour period in between medicine. So, I'm grumpy, sore, and the pennicillin has made everything that I do eat leave in rapid fashion. Which is fantastic considering how long it takes me to pretzel twist into a position where I can wipe my own ass. Derek is doing better with his cold/fever thing, and I'm greatful for that.

A search that states "like I needed another reason to hate you". LOL!

Yes, I do know that that is not the way to spell High and Low, but my favorite Daddie's song lately is Hi and Lo, so I think that's probably the way they spell it. Oh, here I am again. My favorite angst ridden place. At least I've found some angst that doesn't involve my boyfriend. I feel like I've come full circle from the beginning of this blog. Back when I wrote the blog that was basically advertising for a best friend. And then I found Ariel. Who I'd already known, but who became amazing at succumbing to my every desire doing everything I wanted coming at a moment's notice ...dude I don't know what to write, these all sound like statements that could end with "That's what she said". I'm sure she knows what I mean. I've never quite found anything like her. Jenn, I love you, you rock, you sushi with me, but you're so popular it's hard to plan anything at a moment's notice with you. Not that Ariel wasn't popular...

Sunday...I worked. It was crazy busy, but manageable. I kind of figured I'd not get anything of my own actually done. This was true. Monday..My first dentist appt in...6 years? Went ok, except the hygienist commented on how I have really good teeth and she was jealous and then she proceeded to take it out on my gums. Yum. Blood. I was actually excited to have my boss back this day, and thought maybe we'd resolve something things, but got nothing done again. Only helping customers. Rush weeks sucks. Also they wanted me to get my wisdom teeth out, of course. Tuesday...Got nothing done at work again. Or at least so it felt. Started to slightly panic at the thought of NEVER getting caught up on my new workload again. Wednesday...Continued to panic about work and also realized that a large part of my suddenly wanting a baby had to do with actually having a kid who likes me. Derek argues and argue and when he realizes we aren't changing our mind, his little mind explodes and he s...

I've decided that I hate middle school and I hate 11-12 year olds. The boy is full of arguments lately. Arguments and excuses...there is NOTHING I hate more than excuses. Just own up to what you did. He got Cs and Ds last term. My child whose almost always been at the top of his class, my child who I've always heard, "oh, he's SO smart" at conferences...my child who I want to do better. The teachers still think he's bright and indeed he is a quick thinker or else I wouldn't have such arguments with him. The problems? Turning in his homework. I MAKE him do it when I know he has homework (which is another point of contention, he'll argue that he didn't understand that it was homework) but I can not follow him to school and MAKE him turn it in on time. So a LOT of his homework is late, and graded down. He got A's for tests in math, but F's on the homework, so it was solidly a C. He's taking a 7th grade math class this term on top of his re...

There was a Daddie's concert last Thursday. The day before my child's 12th (When the fuck did THAT happen?) birthday. It was weird, seeing as how there was a Daddie's concert the night AFTER he was born, and he was born on a Thursday. I didn't go that one. Thankfully actually. A bunch of my friends got arrested hanging out in the graveyard after hours. I would have likely been with them had I not been recovering from a C-section. And had I not had the kid on time. Or found a babysitter I would have been comfortable with as he was ONLY a day old. (Goddamn cafe world. I'm totally addicted and have to pause every 5 minutes to try and save my cheeseburgers. Gah!) But I digress. Heather and I had been planning this concert since I found out about it. We go together, to almost every one. At least on my part, I believe she's gone to a few without me. A couple weeks ago, she called and told me she had the tickets and that she was bringing her friend Tricia along. I was ...

Ok..so it's not a new thing, but it was new to me. Having the cast play out the movie in front of the big screen, that is. They knew all the call backs, they had lots of girls in skimpy underwear, they had an AWESOME Frank furter. Flaming, he was. I love them flaming. Sometimes I miss David. *sigh* Anyhow. I was a bit unprepared for all the nudity that was to occur. Not entirely sure how it fit in with the movie, but I will admit that I like boobs. (Not that I can admit that around certain people...so I had to be all.."gross, nudity" about it explaining it later.) And college girls have nice ones too. As I'm rounding 30, I find mine being a bit more saggy. =( I miss high, firmer ones. Not that mine aren't good, they are good, it'd just be nice if they sat a little higher. They called my attention to bits in the movie on screen that I hadn't even noticed before. And I got to dance with a transylvanian. She was cute. =) It was VERY late at night, on crazy ca...

Whenever I write a line like that, with an "or", I think of Rocky and Bullwinkle. There were always two "titles" for each episode. My brain pulls weird memories like that out of nowhere. For instance, October reminded me solidly of my Grandma, and not because it was the month she died (that must have been after Christmas, thankfully), or because she loved Halloween or some such bullshit like that. It reminds me of her since she was in the hospital battling lung cancer. We went out trick or treating around the neighborhoods near the hospital, someone always needed to be near. They must have knew that the fight was almost over. I can't tell you that; while I've always considered myself empathetic and indeed CALLED it when they called on the phone as I could tell just by my mother talking that she had finally died, I was only 8 when it was all over. I loved her fiercely, my Grandma. I don't know that she was perfect and considering how my own mother and all...

That people don't always want to be your friend. That the guy you thought you LOVED in high school has a hell of a lot more going on than you ever imagined and that you share a love of horror movies. Here I thought that he was just fucking hot. It's not just a college site. Many, many more people are on FB than MySpace. You have a lot more work colleagues that you have to be "normal" for. Your mom may be a better mom than on MySpace. That remains to be seen entirely. More conversation in two days than in two years though. Since more people are on FB, that's more people to offend with random shit you say. FB is far more addictive, since it seems to be a cross between twitter and MySpace. I'm outta control.

Was already pissed and irritated by going-ons at work. Got home and the kid gave me lip. The kid who IS NOT FED, still has to read and shower and all before 9. We HAD this conversation earlier today. "Derek should eat early" was uttered by one or the both of us during this conversation and yet my kid HAS NOT EATEN YET. And will likely be late for bed. How can I punish him since it's partly the adults fucking fault? I'm going to guess that this is due to that fucking magic online game. Multiple times in the past couple weeks it's detained Ben. So I find myself wishing the fucking site would break, or BETTER YET! Maybe the fucking computer will break. Then I won't have to pay for the fucking internet either. Sure, I love the internet, I love the computer, sometimes I get caught up in it, but NOT WHEN IT'S IMPORTANT to get shit done. SO FUCKING ANGRY. And sad too. I've decided that I can't afford RHPS this year. Life is too fucking expensive. Ben was ...

I don't know how, but my site meter says I get visits. Largely from people looking for something related to the fucking Beastie Boys. I still hate them though.

Yes, I was THAT person. Bored tonight. Melancholy for no real good reason. Just because I can, I guess. It's been a million years since I updated this blog, I was thinking I'd let it fall to the wayside and yet, here I am. This blog has become like my hotmail account, over 2,000 messages and I can't seem to make myself check it. Notable things lately? I can't sleep worth a crap it seems. I'm always worried (which is nothing new) about something...money, the child, etc. This seems to have transferred to Ben. We'll probably both be pretty pissed off by the end of this sleepless stretch. That will be awesome. /sarcasm. He's been making an effort to come to bed earlier so that I don't get woken up as much since I finally explained my problems with sleeping. I guess I thought I woke him up at night and that he realized how shitty it was becoming. I explained that I don't think I've had a really long sleep since Easter. The night his tooth went all to ...

Today sucks. My stomach has been queasy since this morning, having that extra coffee didn't help, but I was dog tired. I'm trying to change my attitude before I take it into Friday with me. I dunno if I'll succeed. I spent last night being totally pissed off and questioning my life choices. It's not the best place to be in. That much I can tell you. Is all that vague enough? Good, I like it that way. Let's just say I was soul searching. And didn't really come up with any sort of answers. Obviously, I was not very successful. I rarely am. I was so mad and didn't want to name names so I just pulled out my notebook-diary thing that I used to write in. Back before I had a blog. It's been since 2004 since I wrote in it last. And oddly enough I found that I was still trying to find some of that answers back then. Isn't 5 years long enough to come to a conclusion? Or maybe I just get hot headed and have to write to blow off steam? I also found that all thos...

My vacation thus far: Friday - Met up with Jenn for steak (YUM) Walked the mall after stuffing ourselves silly. Ran into an old friend. Though I dare say she didn't recognize me, or perhaps my not talking made her uncomfortable. I don't think it was a secret that I hate being surprised by people in public. I get weird and quiet. And sometimes shaky. It's awesome. We hit the hot tubs and life was fantastic. The boys got home shortly after I did, Ben had won the tournament, so our night was damn good overall. Saturday - My concert! Oh, the concert. I LOVED it. It was loud, it was awesome, it was made further better by them allowing us to take our beers out onto the McDonald Theater floor. So we could drink and enjoy. Before the concert, we hit the Horsehead and got dinner. Also, ran into Sidney and Patrick. And Zac too. When I am at the bar and have been drinking and run into someone? I'm "2 drink Desiree", who can handle any unexpected situation with finesse (a...

I'm home. Been home for about an hour now. I've been feeling sorry for myself. And angry at all the assholes who keep saying how much they LOVE snow and oh, good, more snow. None of those assholes fell in the snow. None of them hurt their back. None of them have to walk in the goddamn snow. I'm gonna punch the next person who says how much they love snow in the face. Unless it's my child, and then I GUESS I won't punch him. That would just knock his teeth off anyhow. So I've managed to make myself feel a little better by sitting here thinking my hateful thoughts and listening to Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics. By far my best Christmas album. Ben and I had a discussion yesterday about how I rate my iTunes music. He thinks I rate things too high. And maybe he's right. But...it's all opinion anyhow, right? So after he proceeded to SHOW me how many songs I'd had rated at 5 (900 out of 4,000 - I STILL don't think that's too much) and how many...

Woke up to Derek saying he was throwing up at 2:30 in the morning. Proceeded to clean up puke from the bath mats. Much as Ben is THE spider killer, I am the vomit cleaner. Damn my solid stomach. Great middle of the night crap. Got up this morning, thinking hurray, it's payday. Fell in the street on the way to the bus stop. Straight down on my ass. Knocked the wind out of me. I've never had that happen before. It's a bad feeling. I felt like I'd never be able to breath again. It still feels tight around my back and stomach. It hurts. I managed to crawl over to the side of the street so that I would not be hit by cars. My back hurts. It hurts a little bit to breath. I get to work after much gasping and tearing up, and I find out that I've given away money again. SUB cashed their check a little too fast. Oh well. And I've apparently gone back in time and now I've got to have people buy alcohol for me instead of buying it for myself. I don't believe in time ...

It's ONLY Tuesday. How is that even possible? It feels like it's been a week and I just want it to be the weekend. My kid's week hasn't even started as school was out AGAIN today. I kept my word, I am not being too pissed by this. He better be careful going outside though. It's slippery. I had a moment where one foot slipped, but then it was ok. Baby steps, I must look like a moron while walking so slowly and deliberately. The thing is, I tend to fall down for no reason. I can't imagine how it would work if I have a reason to fall down. So far, so good. "California Dreaming" came on my iPod on the walk. It's fitting and I don't even LIKE California. I'm wearing Ben's socks in the hopes that my feet will be warmer. And the sun being out is nice. I hope it means things melt and dry up, though it's probably too much to expect. Instead, we'll probably still be icy tomorrow. And more snow is in the forecast. Did I mention I hate snow...