10 Random Things - Tagged from Erin
I have a whole post about death and Charles. No one really thought they were going to escape that right? It's fucked with my mind and continues to do so. Two weeks ago I came home and re-read his blog and BAWLED until I had a headache. Cause shit sucks.
I just haven't worked it to the extent I'd like to.
But today, today you get a lovely meme type update from my being tagged by Erin, slash Ruby, slash Vagyna Fondue from LJ.
http://www.ohhonestlyerin.com/
Someone trying to traverse through life and parenthood without a fucking manual like the rest of us.
1. Weird thing number one..huh. I guess I'm not going to go into these in order.
I like rap..and country. And emo. I still love a LOT of alternative from the late 90s but I probably love pop the most. I'm a corporate whore in this case. If you HATE a song? I probably love it for some reason or another. The only exceptions?
1. ANYTHING Beastie Boys.
2. Beck's Loser
3. Sheryl Crow's All I Wanna Do
4. Weezer's Sweater Song
5. Violent Femmes Let Me Go Off..
Those may be the ONLY songs I hate. But hate them I do.
2. I have HORRID nightmare. Zombies, Ghosts, Leaving my kid at daycare..
They are all REALLY vivid and I'm almost always convinced they are totally true. Except in the case of leaving my kid at daycare...which he doesn't go to anymore and that I NEVER forgot him at while he was going. This one I can shake. All my other dreams? I usually wake up confused, frightened, even fucking terrified. I like to have a dream where someone is the "bad guy" but NO ONE believes me.
3. Even though I have such dreams, I can't stop myself from watching any horror movie that looks good and reading tons of Stephen King books. A STUPID amount of Stephen King books. But I love them so much. I'm re reading Duma Key right now and even though I wake up in the middle of the night and think about twin girls ghosts, I can't fucking stop.
4. I'm so creeped out by spiders that I will let them live inside my house as long as they aren't coming for me. Unless Ben is here and then I make him kill them. I only touch them (even through books and shoes and shit) if I KNOW that I may have to see it again later. Right now as I type this there is a spider crawling up the wall and I'm sitting here thinking that it PROBABLY won't come crawling on my head while I'm sleeping so I'm just going to let it go.
It's not a very bit one...or fast...hell, maybe it's a beetle. Now I feel bad for even thinking of killing it. Stupid bug.
5. Snakes also freak me out. I have goosebumps thinking about it. Just garden snakes? Doesn't fucking matter, I HATE them and will instantly equate them with Boa Contricters or Pythons...not Monty Pythons either.
6. I have an unnatural liking for totally hot girls in horror movies. I'm practically salivating at the thought of Megan Fox and Amanda Seyfried making out in "Jennifer's Body"...I also ADORE Jamie Lee Curtis and to a lesser extent Heather Langenkamp. I live with a boy and have sex with him, but I might go "lesbi-gay" for any one of these girls. Besides Heather Langenkamp..she's not hot that way.
7. If I decide NOT to do naughty things to my boyfriend in the morning and then he also decides the same? I'm PISSED all day. Cause it's FINE if I decide not to have sex, but he should certainly at least TRY....jesus.
Luckily, he seems to have picked up on this and saved us from certain doom today. I was ready to spit fire.
8. I'm pretty convinced that in two months when I've turned 30, I'll likely kill the both of us with my sex drive. I hear stories of people not having sex for MONTHS and I'm pretty sure I would actually stab Ben if that were the case. Not just the fanciful thoughts of stabbing that occur when I can't sleep cause he's snoring. We may have to have separate beds like in the 50s to sleep comfortably, but if that means I'm not getting any? What is the fucking point of a boyfriend then?
9. Sometimes I get nostalgic. To the point where I think "what if" entirely too much. To the point where I'm CONVINCED that my mother's life must be PERFECT now that I'm not around to fuck it up anymore. This makes me alternatively sad for not being able to visit with her and her perfect life and angry that she couldn't be "normal" when she can be now.
Then my sister came to visit. Now I know that my mother FAKES a good game and that's she's as drunk and fucked up as ever. I don't miss her anymore. Maybe the rest of my siblings, but it sounds like I'd be able to take about half an hour with her before I wanted to scream in her face. I don't want my kid to feel the same about me...and I often wonder if I'm doomed into the same pattern.
God I hope not. If I can't break the cycle of abuse and craziness, who fucking will?
10. Whenever I stand at the top of a flight of stairs, I can SEE myself falling down them. Same with crossing streets, I'm always half convinced that I'm going to twist my ankle..this is not an unfounded fear. I fall down a fucking lot. I don't know if seeing myself falling helps..and I certainly don't remember if I thought of it any of those times before I actually fell. So maybe it doesn't help at all, just makes me more anxious about walking out in public. Yay.
11. Why not? Sometimes I think I'm two people in my brain...
Most of me is convinced I'll never get married, but the other part of me is equally convinced. To the extent that I like to look at wedding dresses.
It's the same way with babies. Every time I've convinced myself that babies are AWFUL, something happens and I'm equally convinced that babies are amazing. Then I convince myself that I can actually afford a kid and like a month later I'm so convinced I have to take a pregnancy test even though my birth control my MORE EFFECTIVE than a vasectomy. This is what I call pregnancy brain and I hate it. With it always comes panic. Maybe Ben will think I did it on PURPOSE and maybe he'll break up with me!...He really doesn't like babies so this is not unfounded...do I really think after 9 years and many, many excess pounds that THIS would be the straw on the camel's back.
I tag the two whole people who still read this...Jenn and Ariel..cause I can.
I just haven't worked it to the extent I'd like to.
But today, today you get a lovely meme type update from my being tagged by Erin, slash Ruby, slash Vagyna Fondue from LJ.
http://www.ohhonestlyerin.com/
Someone trying to traverse through life and parenthood without a fucking manual like the rest of us.
1. Weird thing number one..huh. I guess I'm not going to go into these in order.
I like rap..and country. And emo. I still love a LOT of alternative from the late 90s but I probably love pop the most. I'm a corporate whore in this case. If you HATE a song? I probably love it for some reason or another. The only exceptions?
1. ANYTHING Beastie Boys.
2. Beck's Loser
3. Sheryl Crow's All I Wanna Do
4. Weezer's Sweater Song
5. Violent Femmes Let Me Go Off..
Those may be the ONLY songs I hate. But hate them I do.
2. I have HORRID nightmare. Zombies, Ghosts, Leaving my kid at daycare..
They are all REALLY vivid and I'm almost always convinced they are totally true. Except in the case of leaving my kid at daycare...which he doesn't go to anymore and that I NEVER forgot him at while he was going. This one I can shake. All my other dreams? I usually wake up confused, frightened, even fucking terrified. I like to have a dream where someone is the "bad guy" but NO ONE believes me.
3. Even though I have such dreams, I can't stop myself from watching any horror movie that looks good and reading tons of Stephen King books. A STUPID amount of Stephen King books. But I love them so much. I'm re reading Duma Key right now and even though I wake up in the middle of the night and think about twin girls ghosts, I can't fucking stop.
4. I'm so creeped out by spiders that I will let them live inside my house as long as they aren't coming for me. Unless Ben is here and then I make him kill them. I only touch them (even through books and shoes and shit) if I KNOW that I may have to see it again later. Right now as I type this there is a spider crawling up the wall and I'm sitting here thinking that it PROBABLY won't come crawling on my head while I'm sleeping so I'm just going to let it go.
It's not a very bit one...or fast...hell, maybe it's a beetle. Now I feel bad for even thinking of killing it. Stupid bug.
5. Snakes also freak me out. I have goosebumps thinking about it. Just garden snakes? Doesn't fucking matter, I HATE them and will instantly equate them with Boa Contricters or Pythons...not Monty Pythons either.
6. I have an unnatural liking for totally hot girls in horror movies. I'm practically salivating at the thought of Megan Fox and Amanda Seyfried making out in "Jennifer's Body"...I also ADORE Jamie Lee Curtis and to a lesser extent Heather Langenkamp. I live with a boy and have sex with him, but I might go "lesbi-gay" for any one of these girls. Besides Heather Langenkamp..she's not hot that way.
7. If I decide NOT to do naughty things to my boyfriend in the morning and then he also decides the same? I'm PISSED all day. Cause it's FINE if I decide not to have sex, but he should certainly at least TRY....jesus.
Luckily, he seems to have picked up on this and saved us from certain doom today. I was ready to spit fire.
8. I'm pretty convinced that in two months when I've turned 30, I'll likely kill the both of us with my sex drive. I hear stories of people not having sex for MONTHS and I'm pretty sure I would actually stab Ben if that were the case. Not just the fanciful thoughts of stabbing that occur when I can't sleep cause he's snoring. We may have to have separate beds like in the 50s to sleep comfortably, but if that means I'm not getting any? What is the fucking point of a boyfriend then?
9. Sometimes I get nostalgic. To the point where I think "what if" entirely too much. To the point where I'm CONVINCED that my mother's life must be PERFECT now that I'm not around to fuck it up anymore. This makes me alternatively sad for not being able to visit with her and her perfect life and angry that she couldn't be "normal" when she can be now.
Then my sister came to visit. Now I know that my mother FAKES a good game and that's she's as drunk and fucked up as ever. I don't miss her anymore. Maybe the rest of my siblings, but it sounds like I'd be able to take about half an hour with her before I wanted to scream in her face. I don't want my kid to feel the same about me...and I often wonder if I'm doomed into the same pattern.
God I hope not. If I can't break the cycle of abuse and craziness, who fucking will?
10. Whenever I stand at the top of a flight of stairs, I can SEE myself falling down them. Same with crossing streets, I'm always half convinced that I'm going to twist my ankle..this is not an unfounded fear. I fall down a fucking lot. I don't know if seeing myself falling helps..and I certainly don't remember if I thought of it any of those times before I actually fell. So maybe it doesn't help at all, just makes me more anxious about walking out in public. Yay.
11. Why not? Sometimes I think I'm two people in my brain...
Most of me is convinced I'll never get married, but the other part of me is equally convinced. To the extent that I like to look at wedding dresses.
It's the same way with babies. Every time I've convinced myself that babies are AWFUL, something happens and I'm equally convinced that babies are amazing. Then I convince myself that I can actually afford a kid and like a month later I'm so convinced I have to take a pregnancy test even though my birth control my MORE EFFECTIVE than a vasectomy. This is what I call pregnancy brain and I hate it. With it always comes panic. Maybe Ben will think I did it on PURPOSE and maybe he'll break up with me!...He really doesn't like babies so this is not unfounded...do I really think after 9 years and many, many excess pounds that THIS would be the straw on the camel's back.
I tag the two whole people who still read this...Jenn and Ariel..cause I can.
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