I'm not even sure what to say to you anymore
This seems to apply to many areas lately. I'm not even sure what I should use for "small talk". I've been quieter, and it's not even been a bad thing.
My mom started up her own MySpace. The whole TWO people I've told (cause I ran into them on the street right afterwards) reacted with horror and an instinctive response of "don't friend her".
I did, but locked my previous angry entry. It was only visible to friends before that, so no chance she snuck in. Unless she snuck in to my sister's account for some reason.
I'm not even sure why I locked it. While my mom can be pretty petty and hold a grudge FOREVER, what could she possibly do to me out here?
It doesn't matter, I instinctively say nothing to her. And while part of me thinks it's because telling her how I feel will really get me nowhere, cause she's such a teenager and likely to just push it back on me, another part wonders if I'm not still afraid of her.
She is scary, I've seen her strike and been amazed. She's so vicious. Sometimes physically, sometimes not.
It all comes back to my not sharing as much as I should with others. Cause part of me feels like telling people how I feel really just gives them more ammunition.
Like pointing to my heart and saying..right here, right here is where you stick the knife in, ok?
It should be pretty easy and it should hurt quite a bit, so go ahead.
I still question myself when I say something to anyone anymore. Anything personal. Like should I be telling them this? Is it going to come back to bite me?
I know, with this blog I hold little back. It's probably hard for people to imagine me as being introverted. I only blog all about my life, in great detail sometimes.
I know it doesn't make sense.
But looking at my mom's page, it's weird. She doesn't know much about it, but at least she is trying, I guess. It's just weird. And her pictures? Well, I'm very worried that's what I'm gonna end up looking like. She is ONLY 47, and that's just really not very old to look the way she does. She looks....haggard. =(
Which is scary. I don't want her to die, I just don't want to have much to do with her.
I keep reminding myself that it's not like I snort cocaine, or the some of the other things she did. I don't smoke as much as she does. So that's gotta help. I always thought that people in Eugene/Springfield looked younger, so perhaps I got that going for me as well.
I don't know.
I DO know that I just heard a crashing sound outside my window, which is more than a little freaky. Did I mention that I HATE the thought of people outside my window? (Thanks guys) Freaks me out. It's a good thing I didn't actually see any of you through the window. I would not have went out with you. I would have been too busy screaming about people outside my window. =S
My mom started up her own MySpace. The whole TWO people I've told (cause I ran into them on the street right afterwards) reacted with horror and an instinctive response of "don't friend her".
I did, but locked my previous angry entry. It was only visible to friends before that, so no chance she snuck in. Unless she snuck in to my sister's account for some reason.
I'm not even sure why I locked it. While my mom can be pretty petty and hold a grudge FOREVER, what could she possibly do to me out here?
It doesn't matter, I instinctively say nothing to her. And while part of me thinks it's because telling her how I feel will really get me nowhere, cause she's such a teenager and likely to just push it back on me, another part wonders if I'm not still afraid of her.
She is scary, I've seen her strike and been amazed. She's so vicious. Sometimes physically, sometimes not.
It all comes back to my not sharing as much as I should with others. Cause part of me feels like telling people how I feel really just gives them more ammunition.
Like pointing to my heart and saying..right here, right here is where you stick the knife in, ok?
It should be pretty easy and it should hurt quite a bit, so go ahead.
I still question myself when I say something to anyone anymore. Anything personal. Like should I be telling them this? Is it going to come back to bite me?
I know, with this blog I hold little back. It's probably hard for people to imagine me as being introverted. I only blog all about my life, in great detail sometimes.
I know it doesn't make sense.
But looking at my mom's page, it's weird. She doesn't know much about it, but at least she is trying, I guess. It's just weird. And her pictures? Well, I'm very worried that's what I'm gonna end up looking like. She is ONLY 47, and that's just really not very old to look the way she does. She looks....haggard. =(
Which is scary. I don't want her to die, I just don't want to have much to do with her.
I keep reminding myself that it's not like I snort cocaine, or the some of the other things she did. I don't smoke as much as she does. So that's gotta help. I always thought that people in Eugene/Springfield looked younger, so perhaps I got that going for me as well.
I don't know.
I DO know that I just heard a crashing sound outside my window, which is more than a little freaky. Did I mention that I HATE the thought of people outside my window? (Thanks guys) Freaks me out. It's a good thing I didn't actually see any of you through the window. I would not have went out with you. I would have been too busy screaming about people outside my window. =S
Comments
right now I'm bracing myself for my own Mom's retaliatory attack. It will probably fall soon and affect Bridget.
it's fucking hard not to care when the person who's supposed to be there for you and at bat for you is the one holding the goddamn noose around your neck.
It's really hard to NOT have trust issues when you learn that NOONE is trustworthy. It's damn hard to be open and share when your own Mother holds shit against you, finds and uses anything she can to batter you or just make you cry.
It's hard to let go and not care because they trained us to put them and their needs first.
gah i could rant on this a while, better save that for my own blog :(
anyway, I feel ya.
My mom likes the guilt trips. If anything was said about her, or to
her, she'd just go on and on about how we didn't care about her. (much
like a teenager, some people never grow up)
It's really sad when your own parents don't or can't protect you, and
be there for you, instead of making your life harder. =(
I'm doing a fairly good job getting away from it, if only cause she
lives to far away. And now with Myspace, who knows what kind of drama
could start. =(
And since I'm not around her, I tend to "fantasize" her better. As a
better human being and I actually start to miss her. Until I realized
she was never the parent. Not since I was old enough to do most things
for myself.