I play it off, but I'm dreaming of you.
All this talk and thinking about my mother has caused me to have some really strange dreams.
I had another last night. One that almost exactly mirrored the way my life used to be.
She wanted me to do something for Mike. Something that I didn't really feel it was my "job" to do. Which always pissed her off. Once she was on me about something to do with my little brother and I yelled out that he wasn't my kid. She was so pissed. I guess she figured we should all just help out.
Whatever it was that she wanted me to do for Mike, it was something weird and I was just like...I'm not gonna. I don't have to and you can't make me.
To which she dropped me off wherever I was, left me there, and then went on some rampage to ruin my life. She kept trying to find me, so that she could have my cell phone. Which I didn't understand, cause I paid for the damn thing, it was mine. I was an adult, as far as I know, but I still felt powerless. Like either...I knew that she would be able to do whatever she wanted anyhow...or maybe I was a kid. I remember that I called Ariel, but she couldn't help me, since she lived so far away, and I was about to call Karina, but then all of the sudden, I made it home? And even then, she had sent someone to give me a message...something like that. It's fuzzy now. I remember waking up and being SO happy that I was not in that damn dream anymore.
I just remember being so confused, but hopeless. Cause I know how she is. I know how she runs people down. I know how she guilts people into giving her her way.
And I was at home, but Derek wasn't there? And for some reason I think he was with her, and I was worried that she just wouldn't bring him home.
Now, none of this dream logically makes sense. My mother has a new boyfriend (who we'll all hope isn't a child molester), and they don't live over here, so I don't know how she could even be over here.
It was one of the worst dreams I've had in a while. Not specifically a nightmare, but still pretty scary. Maybe it's some sort of warning? That she could still screw with me, if I'm not careful. So, again, I should just be happy that she is ignoring me. If she's ignoring me, then she can't screw with me.
God, I can't believe she's become this nightmare "thing"...almost more than human. She's really not. (I have to confess I keep looking at her pictures on MySpace and lamenting that THAT will be how I look in 21 years. Hopefully not, but damn. She looks so much older than she should...and yet, I'm still terrified of her.)
I had another last night. One that almost exactly mirrored the way my life used to be.
She wanted me to do something for Mike. Something that I didn't really feel it was my "job" to do. Which always pissed her off. Once she was on me about something to do with my little brother and I yelled out that he wasn't my kid. She was so pissed. I guess she figured we should all just help out.
Whatever it was that she wanted me to do for Mike, it was something weird and I was just like...I'm not gonna. I don't have to and you can't make me.
To which she dropped me off wherever I was, left me there, and then went on some rampage to ruin my life. She kept trying to find me, so that she could have my cell phone. Which I didn't understand, cause I paid for the damn thing, it was mine. I was an adult, as far as I know, but I still felt powerless. Like either...I knew that she would be able to do whatever she wanted anyhow...or maybe I was a kid. I remember that I called Ariel, but she couldn't help me, since she lived so far away, and I was about to call Karina, but then all of the sudden, I made it home? And even then, she had sent someone to give me a message...something like that. It's fuzzy now. I remember waking up and being SO happy that I was not in that damn dream anymore.
I just remember being so confused, but hopeless. Cause I know how she is. I know how she runs people down. I know how she guilts people into giving her her way.
And I was at home, but Derek wasn't there? And for some reason I think he was with her, and I was worried that she just wouldn't bring him home.
Now, none of this dream logically makes sense. My mother has a new boyfriend (who we'll all hope isn't a child molester), and they don't live over here, so I don't know how she could even be over here.
It was one of the worst dreams I've had in a while. Not specifically a nightmare, but still pretty scary. Maybe it's some sort of warning? That she could still screw with me, if I'm not careful. So, again, I should just be happy that she is ignoring me. If she's ignoring me, then she can't screw with me.
God, I can't believe she's become this nightmare "thing"...almost more than human. She's really not. (I have to confess I keep looking at her pictures on MySpace and lamenting that THAT will be how I look in 21 years. Hopefully not, but damn. She looks so much older than she should...and yet, I'm still terrified of her.)
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