Random Thoughts

I got a ride home from work last night. A nice guy who knows a bit more about my life prior to work than most of my other co-workers know. I’m an open book, so my fellow Accountants know quite a bit. Not everything. Everything is too much. But they know I was a teenage runaway and they know a bit of the issues I had with my mother…again..not everything. Well this guy had only recently learned more of my story. The runaway part. So we had a nice conversation on the way home about work, etc, and then he asks me if I ever feel proud of myself for how far I’ve come. The answer is sure. Sure I do. When I actually sit and think about it I’m proud. But mostly I just survive. I don’t think about it that often. When I do, I’m proud. When I realize that I was in college raising a kid while most of our interns can’t even fathom..yeah, I’m proud. But overall, I don’t think about it often. My life has always been about surviving. Don’t think, just do. Not that I don’t think, I over...

It’s only Friday. And I work tomorrow. And I’m fucking whiny about it. B was no help and all wishy washy so I just decided I should make every effort to not be in the hole at the end of the month… But it’s just…ack. I don’t think anyone but me will appreciate me any more for it. I mean, I’ll be happy I put forth the effort, but disgruntled that it’s always me dealing with it. In the marriage email of doom (as it shall hence forth be called), I basically told him that if he doesn’t figure this shit out, it’s not gonna work. I’m not going the ultimatum route, that never ends well with him. But what the fuck do I do then? His dad won’t be here, where will he go? It’s like I uprooted him from his home and then I’m gonna kick him out? *sigh* Sometimes I wonder if he’s just not in this because it’s easy.. And then I laugh and laugh, because I am NOT easy. But he doesn’t have to work this way, you know? I hadn’t been stressing so much about the money lately, mostly because of t...

This helped me a lot. However, I have a hard time listening to that song now. And sometimes it wrecks me instead of helping, but it's CHARLES. Talking. Alive. http://vimeo.com/289961

I have kept to my promise. I have spoken not at all of marriage since I sent the email. Good job me. It’s really a lot nicer to not become emotionally wrecked when I can’t explain myself to Ben in a way that he agrees and it’s certainly not getting me any closer to being married. Dad’s death day came and went. I mostly ignored it, even with all the wine and day drinking for Katie’s birthday party. It was awesome. I LOVE being ridiculous for the camera. Try to get a good picture and I’m like..oh hell no, I look horrid, but when I am trying to look ridiculous, I don’t mind so much. Go figure. There were so many pictures of me taken, cat ears, wigs, pimp hats, a sombrero. ..I’m excited to see them. And judiciously share them. There was one where I was grabbing someone’s boob, that will not be available for all my face book friends, only the cool ones! Charles’ birthday was Friday. I feel like I’ve come to terms more with it. It sucks. He didn’t deserve it. But it’s how it is. I’m still ...

It’s just like that Hyperbole and a Half cartoon. What is wrong with me? I can’t even really put into words why I am suddenly so gung ho on the marriage bit. Maybe it’s the getting older bit. Maybe it’s because I feel like Ben is never going to want to and that translates into us breaking up at some point. Maybe I just want ONE thing about my life to be “normal”…sure I went to college and have a degree and I guess that’s “normal”, but I’d like something about my personal life to be “normal”. Sure, I did the kid thing early, didn’t get married to his dad, but this, this one thing is something I want. Like Phoebe on Friends. So…yeah…. This is my brain on marriage. I sent Ben an email in the hopes that by laying out my ten reasons to get married (like Letterman!) I can let it go and stop talking about it after I’ve been drinking cause… NO GOOD. I may have repeated one of my points though. I guess I wasn’t as laid out as I thought. So for my lovely lady friends who are reading th...

shit wrong story. Fuck it; don’t all stories start with once upon a time? Once upon a time I lived with parent/ parent figures. They were both abusive in different ways. I had pretty much no control over my life, though I liked to pretend I did. I’d get super frustrated/pissed off and I used to punch myself over and over in the leg. Calm down, it wasn’t that hard. I never bruised and I bruise like an avocado, so I couldn’t have been hitting myself that hard. It’s like the “stop hitting yourself” thing. Haha. Except sadder I guess. I often marvel at how far I’ve come. Look at me now!  ;p What brings this sadness to mind you ask? Work. Work is getting me down. I know that life isn’t all about work, but considering how much time I spend here? On one hand, I have angry accountants who are bitter about something….I don’t know what. I feel like their lives are pretty ok and I also feel like they had fairly normal childhoods. Maybe they are doing that thing I do wh...

"Wind me up and watch me go . Where she stops, nobody knows, a good excuse to be a bad influence on you." That Pink song is me to a tee. I have problems holding back. It’s not worth doing, if it’s not worth doing well, right? Let’s see. One day weekends suck. At least I got some sex in there. My thoughts today? I should probably be checking my blood pressure, but I keep waking up and being like…eh..not today. I know from my last doctor’s visit for birth control that it was still up. I should also be weighing myself, but after the initial “oooh shiny” new thing moment and the bad news, I just haven’t cared. I am LOVING the depo again. So happy not to have to remember a pill anymore. And no more spotting. Happy days are here again! I’m still doing things. I’m walking home 4/5 days pretty consistently. And using the weekend to walk more. For 3 weeks now, I’ve walked for over 300 minutes each week. My thighs are a bit chafed sadly……but no pain, no gain? I’m ...